monsterporn and offbeat erotica

WEREWOLF GYNECOLOGIST: HARD PACKED – ARIA CUMING

Werewolf Gynecologist: Hard PackedWerewolf Gynecologist: Hard Packed by Aria Cuming
0 Stars

is it unreasonable to get really angry at an 11-page book? if it’s this book, i don’t think so. it is unreasonable to hold monsterporn up to the same standards of writing as a more traditional story?? probably. but today i am going to, because i found this particular monsterporn completely maddening.

so – plot. samantha has a problem. she has been unable to achieve orgasm with her husband pete for several months. (“husband” according to the synopsis in gr – he is never specifically designated as her husband in the story) so, she decides to go to the gynecologist to see if there is a physical reason for her situation. good – a smart decision.

but first, before her appointment, she has sex with pete. lack of sexual explosions hasn’t slowed her down at all; she still gets aroused and her body is responsive to attention, and she’s well into it, she just isn’t able to get that

she likes it rough, and pete is very accommodating to her needs, but she is still not satisfied with his hair pulling, expensive underpants-ripping, whipping, and “forceful movements.” she needs something more “animalistic.” it is implied that she can still achieve orgasm when she treats herself, so it’s unclear why she thinks this is a medical problem, but whatever – off to the groinecologist! he turns out to be a werewolf! they have sex!

we will continue to pick our way through the plot while i rattle off this list of complaints, but that’s all you need to know for now.

moving around (in time) is not sexy

despite being such a short piece (i.e. – easy to edit), the tense changes frequently between past to present. and i know most people aren’t reading for plot here, but it’s really distracting. is this something that happened in the past, now recollected in tranquility, or is this happening right now? because it matters. some situations in life, we don’t realize how bad they are until we have some distance, some perspective. i look back on some of my relationships,and i’m like, “huh. not my shiniest moment.” so i need to know how much to hate this samantha chick. if she’s all in the moment, i might be able to forgive her for her terrible decisions, but if this is a tender memory for her, then she deserves all of my lip-curled disdain.

here’s some free advice, should you be considering becoming a gynecologist

1) never use the word “pussy” during an exam.
2) your deep piercing blue eyes should never “light up” when “drinking in” a patient’s appearance.
3) never put your hand on a patient’s knee and squeeze it before the exam. or after.
4) do not call her “abnormally moist.”
5) do not fuck your patient without a condom.
6) do not fuck your patient.
7) if you can help it, do not be a werewolf.

fun with spatial cognition

this is a speculum:

now, because i do not think goodreads would appreciate me posting a picture of the speculum in use, for those of you without vaginas i will explain that this device is inserted into a woman’s vagina, then that little duck bill part opens up, expanding and propping open the baby-chute so the gynecologist (werewolf or otherwise) can see what’s going on with all the internal lady-bits. got it? okay, so let’s be clear – there is no way that a woman can have intercourse while it is in place. it’s just not an option. perhaps a toddler would be able to maneuver its toddler-sized weewee in there, but a) that is disgusting and b) like all erotica, this guy is soooooo big and sooooo hard and yet somehow manages to jam inside of her through the speculum hole, not at all concerned about all the sticky-outy bits that are probably jamming into his testicles, and of course she loves all that rough metal pushing violently against her insides while he has at her.

and then he starts turning into a werewolf and ties her down on the table and his clothes rip off and she starts screaming and no one comes to her rescue and all of this makes sense. which brings us to

taking liberties with hundreds of years of cryptozoological tradition

i know that SOME werewolf mythologies insist that a lycanthropes can change form regardless of what the moon happens to be doing at the time, but i am a narrow-minded monster-purist. i don’t want all the shades of werewolf lore from a cross-cultural perspective. i want my werewolves to be cut-and-dried hollywood style werewolves – moon, silver bullet, howling. i don’t want them changing into wolf form in the middle of the day, and i certainly don’t want them to be so career-oriented. how does a werewolf even get through med school?? all those late-night study sessions, all that hair getting into open wounds…

which brings us to

hygiene – it always comes back to hygiene for me

hygiene and specificity. please be specific when you write. when you say something like He forces himself inside of me with all of his might, please give us a clue that in this case “me” refers to your backdoor. because it’s kind of a shock in the next sentence when he is suddenly withdrawing himself from her asshole and this – (spoiler-tagged for being so disgusting): View Spoiler » is fucking revolting. and then, of course – right back into the vag without even a thoughtful wipedown. a gynecologist should know better.

afterwards, she thanks him. View Spoiler »

horrifying.

even more horrifying, and yes – i am about to give away the ending to this 11-page piece of monsterporn – deal with it, this is the last paragraph:

I know that what I have done has wronged Pete, but somehow I find myself justifying my actions. I came to the doctor to fix what I had assumed was a problem with me. But now I think otherwise. Although I love Pete, I realize now that it is his fault that I am not able to orgasm. I need a real man, or perhaps more than that. I need the doctor again. I drop my panties on the floor of the room, leaving my scent behind and walk out the door.

so, despite pete’s patience and support of her during her sexual difficulties, for all of his warm and confident smiles and his easing of her nervousness and his giving her the bit of rough she craves and trying to keep things spicy so she can get her o back, she’s just gonna ditch an established relationship to what – hook up with a creepy werewolf rapist who made her eat her own poo?? this is an improvement?? all for an orgasm that you can give to yourself, samantha?? lunacy. but some girls do want to land a doctor.

assorted complaints

-going to the gyno with lash marks all over your ass, even if they are indeed fading to a dull red is totally classy. so is masturbating in the car on the way over.

-what the fuck are “elastic pants?”

I have always had a fantasy to be raped, but I never expected to actually enjoy it. so she doesn’t even enjoy it in her own fantasies?? that makes me sad.

-juices are spraying from her insides after this session. which might actually be something to bring to a gynecologist. a real gynecologist.

-“TAUT”!!!! THE WORD IS “TAUT”!!! take note, almost every single monsterporn author ever.

-samantha gets all snotty with the “overweight” and “unattractive” nurse because she says “You’re just a tiny thing! You probably eat like a bird,” and samantha interprets this as an attack or a judgment, when clearly it is just being said so that we the reader know how cute and tiny and perfect samantha is, like a sweet little hairless nymphet. so it’s great that she’s dumb AND shallow AND bitchy to other women. this is why no one comes to your rescue when you scream at the gynecologist is all i’m saying.

Pete and I had just moved to a new town. New friends, new jobs, new identities, and, unfortunately, new problems.

wait, new identities???? what’s that all about???

despite having one of the best titles ever, i did not care for this particular monsterporn, although i have no regrets about reading it. sometimes it is a release to get out all that rage over something completely inconsequential. and now i have to call my doctor to make sure she is not going to turn into a werewolf during my exam.

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