monsterporn and offbeat erotica


I've Fallen and there's a Tentacle in my ButtI’ve Fallen and there’s a Tentacle in my Butt by Edward Naughty
0 Stars

there is no such thing as “good” monsterporn or “bad” monsterporn. just like there is no such thing as a “good” rainbow or a “bad” rainbow. the existence of monsterporn is something to celebrate because it’s a little slice of unexpected joy that exists simply to bring a smile to the face.

however, there is poorly-written monsterporn.

this is one of them.

here is the first paragraph. simple, declarative sentences that sound as though they were written by a robot. (and not a sexxy robot, either.)

Jenny had never been in love and little did she know that soon she would become extremely infatuated with her soul mate. She enjoyed her night out at a party where she met an attractive man named Matt. He mentioned that he was a scientist, trying to impress her. His hair was dark and clean cut. He wore slacks, a button up shirt, and tie. She enjoyed the compliments he provided throughout the evening. He had been known around town to be a sweet talker. Jenny had long blonde hair and wore a skimpy bikini that accentuated her boobs and ass. She was voluptuous in all the right places. They flirted with each other and built up sexual tension throughout the night. She giggled as they left the party early to go to his place for a drink.

the compliments he provided?? this is as bloodless and unerotic as a jane austen novel.

and only in monsterporn will you find a woman wearing a bikini on her night out to a party.

and only in monsterporn will you find a man with muscular stomach muscles.

okay – jumping ahead past where jenny and matt have sex and warm cum saturated her pallet (because she’s a warehouse??), to where matt gets called in to the lab to help out with a project, where despite his muscular stomach muscles, he is NOT a scientist, but an “intern,” and a doofy one at that.

Lately he had been helping out with a laser blaster experiment. His job was mainly to set things up so they could blast them. They let him shoot the blaster once and it was a highlight of the job for him.

i don’t think this author knows what science is for.

this is a strange laboratory. there seem to be no proper scientists here. i mean, there is margaret, who is the scientist in charge of all the projects at the lab, which seems suspect, but maybe it’s a small lab. but she’s never referred to as “dr.”, instead we get: The scientist Margaret was holding a clipboard.

and these are the kinds of experiments this lab performs:

Meanwhile at the lab, a naked young woman subject was being prepared for a sexual experiment. She had no idea that they would be testing the erogenous zones of her body and monitoring her mind. They were also monitoring something she was unaware of behind the wall.

“sexual” experiments. whose subjects just blithely strip down naked with “no idea” what is actually being measured or tested. are there no waivers???

so, in this instance, the sexual experiment involves a monster, who once again is described in the most basic sentences without context or even description, really.

Behind the door was a tentacle monster being held in captivity for experiments due to its attraction to sexual energy.


however, we do learn that the tentacles are covered in suckers, and also a gelatinous slime like liquid that smelled like vanilla extract

which will have to do, in terms of details.

so – skimming, skimming – matt accidentally lets the tentacle monster escape, there is a scuffle, a single tentacle is axed off of the creature and escapes into the night. exeunt, pursued by scientists.

the scientist margaret coaches her fellow scientists outside that The tentacles are attracted to sexual vibrations, so while you are searching for the tentacle, I would suggest you fondle your genitals to give yourself the advantage.

however, she cautions them that if the tentacle does become attracted to them, it will lock itself into one of their sexual orifices. see, i hear that, and the last thing i am going to do is go diddling myself out on the streets. let someone else capture the creature. also – how do her fellow scientists not know that the creature is drawn to sexual vibrations? are there no morning meetings?? does no one know what they are doing in this lab??? shame on you, science!

matt is left to his own devices in the lab, and he gets bored. so his mind goes to jenny, his three-hour sexual acquaintance, who doesn’t seem to mind that she was just straight-up dismissed from his apartment while he drove away to the lab, and when he texts her “Hey, babe, bring me something, I’m hungry,” she texts him a photo of her vagina. She just happened to be in the area, so she agreed to stop by.

and is she still wearing only her tiny bikini?? you bet your sweet tentacle she is!

they pick up where they left off, rubbing and feeling on each other and she licked her lips and her mouth was slippery due to the excess of lip gloss she put on earlier. what is with these sentences???

and so of course their sexual vibrations bring tentacles from all corners of the lab, and one finds jenny and she utters the title of this book. and then more and more and more and more tentacles join the party, using matt and jenny both as sexual slankets. but it’s okay – everyone’s having a good time. a boringly described good time:

They couldn’t help themselves due to the pleasure unlike anything they had ever felt. It was like a thousand orgasms at once. They gave into absolute pleasure. They cried out each time they had the feeling, because it was so overwhelming they could not contain themselves.

and then… other things happen, clearing the path for a sequel. many many sequels.

i mean, this is free monsterporn, so come and get it, but it is empirically weak.

because, science.

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