SEXYTIMES WITH PUFFERS!
okay, so if you are planning on reading this book at any time (and of course you are – it is both free and about sex with a puffer-shifter), know that in this review, i will be giving a lot of plot points away. if you like to be surprised by the story arcs in your monsterporn, probably you will want to stay away from this review until you have enjoyed the book for yourself. but if you like reading about monsterporn more than reading monsterporn, carry on.
SO – dana is a marine biologist working on the piranha research team at a shady research facility. “research” might be imprecise, as she isn’t really entrusted with the full scope and details of the project, she only knows that the piranhas which she is tending have been genetically modified to be more aggressive than usual.
i also doubt that she is actually a marine biologist. she seems to be more accurately described as a poolgirl, because she doesn’t do or say anything particularly science-y.
BUT SO one night, as she is monitoring the pool, or at least standing near it without any clipboards or lab coats or anything that gives her a science vibe, she notices a shiny object at the bottom of the pool, glimpsed through the schools of angry fishies and thinks – i should investigate this!
using a pool net proves unsuccessful in scooping up the object, although the motion does attract the piranhas, who attack the net with toothy curiosity.
so dana knows she’s gonna have to actually get into the water. now – since these are not your mama’s piranhas, entering the tank requires a whole bunch of annoying steps:
It would take about ten minutes to put on all of the necessary layers and seal the diving helmet, including the standard issue swimming suit.
standard issue swimming suit??? does that mean she has to….?? you got it!!
Dana stripped off her outer clothes. She was about to remove her panties and bra when she heard one of the secure doors open.
oh no! who is invading her secure door???
That was Paul, the hottie from the Puffer Fish Division.
despite his hottie-ness, dana is outraged!! not because she is all sorts of déshabillé but on the grounds that
This was a secure room and he didn’t have the necessary security clearance, and he’d probably screw up her research.
which “research” component of her job we have yet to see, but i’m sure he would totally screw it up by walking through a door.
then in true bella swan fashion, the entrance of a handsome man coupled with her subsequent animated scolding of him causes her to slip in a puddle and crack her head on the edge of the pool as she falls into the water. the very same water in which all those hyper-aggressive piranhas are still riled up from the net-party. while she is all vulnerable in just her underclothes.
this is high dramatic tension.
she is sinking towards the bottom of the pool, all dizzy and horrified, anticipating the feasting of a million hungry fish-mouths when she hears another splash.
She tried to twist towards the sound. Had Paul jumped in too? Some sort of misguided attempt to rescue her? The fool was about to get eaten alive just like her. So much for good intentions. He’d gotten them both killed from a stupid accident. Dana desperately tried to get her arms and legs moving again. She doubted she had enough time to swim to the surface and escape on her own, but she had to try.
man, this chick is judge-y even when she’s about to become fish food.
fortunately, She wasn’t about to go down without a fight. (and all the 14-year-old boys giggle)
but then – what does she see???
What looked like a puffer fish was being buffeted around in the water by the swarm of piranha. Except puffer fish didn’t normally grow to several feet in size, even when fully puffed. The one in the tank now looked around six feet long, not including the spines poking out around it’s bloated shape.
yeah, i see that misplaced apostrophe.
i also see this:
The piranha kept striking at the puffed-up fish, pushing it around but unable to tear into the brightly colored ball of spikes. The puffer pushed back, forcing the aggressive piranha away by its shear size and sharp spines.
oh no!! you’ve been shorn!
but no time for grammar – there’s not a moment to lose!! dana has used the puffer fish’s diversion to escape from the pool, then watched as the mysterious giant fish also leapt out and now it is time to quickly take action!
The primary aquarium had a unique blend of chemicals meant to alter the strain of piranha. These chemicals were dangerous to humans. The protective diving suits were meant to keep divers dry from the chemical bath. There was also a decontamination pool that all researchers were required to soak in after entering the primary pool, in case one of the protective suits were breached.
okay, so i guess they were not genetically altered, but altered by immersion into chemicals. my bad. because genetic manipulation would be farfetched, but a giant pool full of dangerous chemicals filled with equally dangerous fish is more sensible, from a “safety first” perspective.
so dana shoves the puffer fish into the decontamination pool before jumping in herself.
but how did the puffer fish get into the piranha pool in the first place, you wonder?? no you don’t. you totally know that the fish is actually the hottie paul, and that he is a shapeshifting werepuffer. duh.
and dana watches his transform back into paul while they decontaminate together.
there is banter:
“You’re Paul, right?” she asked.
“Yes, I’m afraid so.”
“I’ve seen you around, you work in the Puffer Fish Division, right?” she asked tentatively.
“Yes I am. I’m guessing you work for the Stating the Completely Obvious Division?”
hardly a meet cute. but dana recovers gamely
Hi, I’m Dana. I’ve never seen anything like you. Plus I was almost just devoured by a school of piranha. So please excuse me if I’m not exactly at the top of my game here.” She glared at him. “What are you anyways? Some kind of werepuffer?”
“We both work in a top secret research facility, funded by the military, working with incredibly dangerous experiments, and your first thought is I’m some sort of puffer-shifter?” Paul’s frown softened as he grew more thoughtful. “I guess I am, though.”
although lose a point for just now realizing that paul is nude.
“Why are you naked?” she demanded.
paul keeps up his his sulky-teen demeanor
“In case you don’t remember, I just quadrupled in size and grew spikes out of my flesh. That has a tendency to destroy one’s clothing.”
for the record, this is inaccurate. if he had started out as a puffer fish, then – yes – he would have quadrupled in size. but she said he was a six-foot puffer fish, so unless he is – say – fetus-sized, he did not quadruple in size. he just became a very big puffer fish that then shrank down to smaller size so she could get him into the pool and then i guess grew again to paul-size. it’s all very confusing, this science here. but the fact remains that unless – again – he is teeny tiny – his clothing should not have been affected by his six-foot puffer size, although i will concede that the spikes were probably a factor in shredding his clothing.
at any rate, he is naked, and that is all that matters.
and dana is still in her wet, nearly transparent white bra and panties.
and things are about to get all sorts of contaminated in this decontamination pool.
but first, more talking. it is worth noting that we are currently on page 8 of a 15-page bit of monsterporn and no one has had anything remotely porny happen to them. this is practically a cozy monsterotica!
so dana is all embarrassed because she isn’t even wearing her good underwear, so she lashes out with the scolding and the accusations about what he is even doing in the piranha facility so late at night, and since she noticed that while he was warding off the piranhas with his spikes and all, he grabbed the shiny object she had spotted all those pages ago with his fish-mouth, she tries to grill him. not like a fish, but like a lawyer.
although – yum, right?
but if paul knows one thing, it’s how to distract a marine biologist
“Never mind that, hey you are kind of hot for a scientist, you know that?” He smiled innocently at her.
she is not having none of that. yet.
but since they are stuck in this pool until the magical chemicals do their work, he tries again
“Ten minutes? Maybe we could find some other way to pass the time without the interrogation?” he suggested. “Hey, remember that time a few minutes ago when I saved your life?”
I wouldn’t have fallen in if you hadn’t startled me barging into a secure area in the first place!”
there is more flirtatious bickering, as paul tries to break into his second secure area of the evening, View Spoiler »by which i mean HER VAGINA!!!! « Hide Spoiler boasting, “…part of me can be puffed for her pleasure.
and then – finally – on page 9, we have our first contact as paul surprises her with a kiss.
and she likes it, even though he’s not altogether human.
scientists can’t be choosy.
and smooching leads to bodies pressed together leads to dana reaching down, curious about what kind of junk a fish-man has
He certainly felt normal enough, although he did seem to be a bit larger than the average guy.
the expression “hung like a fish” didn’t come from nowhere, after all!
and then without further foreplay ( i guess her earlier statement, She wasn’t about to go down without a fight was true after all) he’s all up in her business. View Spoiler »by which i mean HER VAGINA!!!! AGAIN!!!! « Hide Spoiler but dana is never one to let a romantic moment go by without a lecture.
“I don’t think this is going to work, Paul. There’s too much water. Sex in water like this doesn’t really work. The thrusting is going to get painful. I mean, it sounds good in movies or whatever, but…”
i guess she is a scientist after all! and let’s not quibble about the fact that they are not doing it in water, but in a chemical bath, and let’s ignore the possibly horrifying consequences of chemicals going up in her vagina. View Spoiler »by which i mean HER VAGINA!!!! « Hide Spoiler
but paul isn’t going to let her be a wet blanket.
“You forget who you are having sex with. I’m the Pufferman”
because he wasn’t joking before, when he was talking about puffing for her pleasure.
Dana gasped as the fullness in her pussy increased. The cock lodged deep in her pussy puffed again, stretching her walls tightly. His cock deflated slightly as Dana fought to catch her breath. His cock puffed a third time inside of her, stretching her even more. Pleasure coursed through her body from the extreme fullness of his unnaturally expanding cock.
Her knuckles went white against his back as Paul continued a rhythm of inflating his cock deep inside of Dana. Her nerve endings flooded with pleasure with each puffing of his cock. Instead of thrusting into her, his cock was filling her and moving inside of her in ways she’d never experience before.
BUT WAIT – you say. surely there is another physical characteristic to the pufferfish that is not being addressed in this decontamination pool seduction we are witnessing!! and dana realizes it now, too:
“Wait, aren’t there spikey bits?” she immediately feared being torn up on the inside.
but never fear!
“Relax, I can control the transformation. No spikes like this. But I can do knobs,” he replied.
dana has some experience doing knobs, too.
Dana’s eyes grew wide as she could feel slight studded knobs form on the length of his inflated cock.
“Ribbed and puffed for her pleasure,” he said with a grin.
and then paul also remembers something: girls have boobs. so finally, after all this “straight to the gates” action, he backtracks to second base.
sex continues with his unnatural member.
does she allow him to finish inside of her, this stranger who is part fish?? yes, she does. she is not, it seems, a scientist of common sense.
and now they have some romantic pillow talk about the nature of the facility, the truth about the shiny object paul retrieved from the pool, the probable origin of paul’s shapeshifting abilities, and a realization by dana about some of the strange new feelings she has been feeling since working at the facility.
amaaaaazing!! FREE MONSTERPORN!! GET IT WHILE IT’S HOT!!!
also – THIS is a puffer fish i wouldn’t kick out of bed for eating crackers:
Mounted by a Monster: Werepuffer is Now in Your NOOK Library!
has there ever been a sweeter email???