monsterporn and offbeat erotica


Mounted by a Monster: God Of WoodMounted by a Monster: God Of Wood by Mina Shay
0 Stars

i mean, how could i NOT read a monsterotica book about a god made of wood? i mean, he is MADE of WOOD. and he is a GOD. and he is MADE of WOOD!

just when i had begun to despair that i had reached the very apogee of imaginative monsterporn, and would have to slog through MORE werewolves, MORE aliens ad nauseam, mina shay comes through with a GOD of WOOD. which isn’t even a thing. so thank god for the fertile imagination of monsterporn writers. you are all stars.

unfortunately, this one wasn’t awesome. strictly in terms of being funny/fun to review, if you are reading these for the sexxy bits, this one has them. and it’s got a truly gobsmacking premise, but it’s very short, and it lacks some of the silly bits i have come to crave from my monsterotica. but never fear – there is still fun to be poked!

lindsay has started her own business. lean in, girl! she and her boyfriend aaron, described here as “blundering” but “persistent,” run a dildo company called “hemlock creations.” aaron is in charge of gathering the hemlock, while lindsay carves it into custom-made dildos. because when i sit around, thinking “what would i MOST want to ram into my vajayjay right now??,” the answer is always

varnish doesn’t solve all of life’s problems.

so one day, lindsay is blithely carving up one of her creations when she hears someone enter her studio. but it is not aaron, oh no – aaron has been incapacitated by a creature wanting to know who has been cutting down all the hemlock, and has come to investigate.

why, it’s THE GOD OF WOOD!

He was roughly humanoid in shape. Two arms, two legs and a central trunk and head…His legs looked like two thick tree trunks and were covered in bark. His arms were smaller, smoother tree limbs that bent where an elbow should be and ended in several long vine-like tendrils instead of a hand with fingers. His face was more smooth bark, however moss grew on his face and formed a kind of beard. In fact, she noted the patches of moss occurred wherever a human man might have hair: on his head, the area that correlated to the armpit, there was even a patch of moss down where the two leg trunks met up with his hardwood abdomen.

and what does he want?

“I am the god and protector of this hemlock wood, and you will answer for your crimes.”

lindsay is much cooler under pressure than i would be if a giant tree came into my place and started bellowing at me.

“Hey slow down a moment there, Mister Hemlock! What crimes do you think I committed,” she challenged him.

ummmm maybe all the DILDOS YOU MADE FROM MY FRIENDS???? he more or less says.

“Oh,” she said, realization crossing her face. “These are all made from hemlock branches. It’s the hardest of the soft woods, you see. And there’s a marketing angle, too. Hemlock causes death if taken in large doses. But our product means women all over the world can take in smaller doses so as to achieve the ‘little death,’ It’s our company tag line.”

he is unimpressed by this businesswoman’s (s)explanation, but that doesn’t stop her – she babbles more of her mission statement, like she’s a girl scout selling calendars in july.

“Oh, but don’t you see? This little death from our hemlock dildos is providing the ultimate service to our, er, human customers. Every dildo is hand carved and to exact specifications from our clientele. This is a boutique operation, and every piece of hemlock that we’ve harvested has been used for the countless joy of people everywhere. Sometimes that joy is brought several times per night! The wood may not be used for fire or building shelter, but it’s most certainly being used to benefit humanity.”

i mean, a-plus for effort, but were the situation reversed, i doubt lindsay would be super-thrilled to learn that her toddlers were being harvested by tree-creatures to shove into their knotholes

and the GOD of WOOD is not swayed by her sales pitch.

he notices a shelf of dildos, and SOMEHOW surmises that these have not ever been used. lindsay stammers about how this is her first business venture carving dildos out of wood, and that those were failed practice attempts, not fit for customer use. that she for some reason keeps on a shelf instead of disposing of. but GOD of WOOD does not like waste, and wonders aloud if she has ever even used them on herself.

“Hey, that’s a bit personal isn’t it?”

i think that when you make sex toys out of another person’s buddies for profit, you automatically forfeit the right to get offended at personal questions.

and GOD of WOOD agrees. so he’s going to make sure that all the trees stolen from his protected grove are used and used well. he is going to test drive those puppies all up in their creator. but does a tree even know how to please a lady?

“I possess the collective knowledge of every tree in this forest. I know what’s been done under the boughs and the cover of darkness. It’s time to put some of that knowledge to use.”

not the most compelling argument. if watching porn made you an expert on sex, 14-year-old boys would be AMAZING at it. please don’t field test this unless you are yourself under 18. and if you are under 18, please stop reading this right now.

and it begins. and GOD of WOOD begins to disrobe her.

Lindsay’s chest was small enough that she didn’t always wear a bra. She briefly wondered how the tree god would have managed the intricate clasp on a bra had she been wearing one.

answer soon revealed:

The prehensile vine-fingers pulled at her top button until it popped free. Hemlock then deftly unzipped the cut-offs.

and then FINALLY she asks herself the question that these heroines always ask themselves, always way too late:

What am I doing?”

you are doing the GOD of WOOD, sweetie.

and he is bringing in all of his sexxy leaves and vines, along with her not-good-enough-to-sell dildos. oh, the humanity.

and he uses the first one upon her, with all of his observed skillz, and brings her a little death.

there, that fwiend has served his purpose.

“No waiting,” he said. “We begin again.”

lesson one: you are never free of your own past failures.

Lindsay gasped for air. She turned her head to the side and looked at the storage shelf of her practice dildos. She groaned as she saw several more unused hemlock dildos on the shelf. Lindsay hoped she could survive this rapid succession of little deaths.

lesson two: take out your damn trash.

and then, on page 10 of 11, this happens

Realization struck home. Lindsay was being mounted by a god of the wood.

because now, after an hour, the GOD of WOOD has gone through all of the faulty dildos. and now he’s ready to see what this sexual intercourse is all about.


because, suddenly, he has a penis. but don’t worry – there’s no bark on his cock. because that would be weird, right, if there was bark on the tree’s cock? or if trees had cocks?

but science and monsterporn are like clark kent and superman – never the twain and all…

best line:

His fucking grew hard like the shaft of wood he was thrusting into her.

and then science rolls over in its drunken stupor and vomits a little

Lindsay felt a distinct change in the wooden cock buried deep inside of her pussy. Unlike the dildos from before, Hemlock seemed to be pulsing inside of her. Natural wood couldn’t do that.

this is so true.

Hemlock twitched and spurted hot liquid against her inner walls. Lindsay could feel the odd cock pulsing in her, spraying more of his seed deep into her womb with each pulse.

science, please come back!! please!!! bring socrates and explain this to me! what is this liquid?? is this going to poison her to death?? i need to see a cross section of a GOD of WOOD so i can understand how this is happening.

mina shay is mum on the subject.

but, as always, she leaves it open (heh) for a sequel.

GOD of WOOD, you have pleased me. and taught me a valuable lesson.

i am going to take out my trash now.

read my reviews on goodreads

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