monsterporn and offbeat erotica


Mounted by a Monster: Boxed Set Volume 6Mounted by a Monster: Boxed Set Volume 6 by Mina Shay
0 Stars

this is the book of the month for my wonderful monsterotica reading group, and bonus upon bonus, it is a five-book bundle. a five-book bundle that is 37 pages long. that shit is concise.

let’s examine every story individually, yeah? and, as always, all comments are sic. and sometimes just sick.

In Her Closet

this story is about a real estate agent named claire with a bit of an unprofessional streak – she likes to have sexual intercourse in the houses she is showing. not with the people to whom she is showing the house – that would be bribery. and also gross. no, she likes to go back after-hours, hide in one of the rooms, and have her partner find and ravish her. totally normal.

this particular house is a little bit unusual. the seller is a woman who recently inherited the family home from her parents. Jennifer hadn’t lived in the house for years, but her parents had kept the room just like she left it as a teenage girl.

okay, let’s pause for just one second. a recently inherited house means a recent death or deaths. a still-furnished inherited home means a reeeaallllyy recent death or deaths. and our claire is going to fuck some dude in this house with absolutely no qualms, no worries about being disrespectful?? okay, just checking.

right, so this particular house is a little bit unusual. jennifer is insisting that there is a monster in the closet of her girlhood room, and she’s got some rules:

“I don’t want to sell the house to a family, if it’s possible. The monster used to spank me when I was bad, and no other child really needs to go through that.”

claire is all “yeah yeah whatever get out so i can bone.” and she returns to the house at night, and prepares for her booty call. but oh no – he cancels.

and then this happens:

There was no longer any point in risking getting caught. Claire admitted defeat and walked back over to the closet. She opened the door and someone handed her the dress. Still consumed with thoughts of punishing Brad, she didn’t quite register it as someone handed her the heels, too. She paused for a moment peering into the closet when a dark, hairy hand reached out and grabbed her wrist.

The dress and shoes fell from her hands as Claire was pulled into the inky darkness of the closet. She heard the door thump closed behind her. She opened her mouth and sucked in air, prepared to scream loud enough to alert the neighbors, every dog in the neighborhood, and the police from three precincts away. A strong hand covered her mouth before she could let loose.

Unable to scream, Claire decided to bite down instead. Hard.

“Ow!” came a voice from the dark.

so, yes – i know you were told there was a monster in the closet, but you did leave the back door unlocked earlier so you wouldn’t have to use your traceable realtor’s punch code, and monsters don’t usually have humanoid shapes and speak so crossly, do they?

You are a real piece of work, aren’t you lady,” came the voice from the darkness behind Claire. “First you intrude into a home that isn’t yours, then you curse, and now you are a biter too. What do you have to say for yourself?”

to me, that sounds more like you have a sexual predator in the closet.

especially when he gets a little infantilizing on her:

“Look, lady, you’ve been very bad. You’re going to have to be punished.,” he said. The voice brooked no argument. “Your parents probably told you I wasn’t real, right? Bad news for you.”

so he recognizes her as a “lady,” but still manages to throw in that creepy little “parents” comment, which begs the question – what did this monster in the closet do to the little girls he terrorized for all those years? and has he just been sitting here idle all these years waiting for new prey?? this is disturbing on so many levels. and then

the monster grabbed the rope that was thrown over the closet rod and quickly tied her hands together above her head.

a rope. thrown over the closet rod. again – totally disturbing if little girls are his normal targets.

“You’re a wriggly one, aren’t you? Much taller than most people I’m supposed to frighten, too. Jennifer was only half your size. And Susie before that was even smaller.”

no, no no!!

creepiness escalates into spanking and alarm-bell-comments

“You really did just bring this on yourself.”

but claire is a saucy one and she’s totally on board by this point.

“You’re not really supposed to be liking this,” he whispered into her ear. Claire felt the wiry bristles of his beard brush against her face

do closet monsters have beards?

in this case, “here” means “claire’s vagina.”

and she gets her swerve on after all

Claire groaned audibly out loud.

yes, both audibly and out loud.

the “monster” has an “unnatural girth.” but doesn’t everyone, in erotica?? i’m still not convinced this isn’t just some dude.

The rod pulsed inside of her.

surely not the curtain rod.

so yeah, there is intercourse and after completion, a light goes on in the bedroom! and for some reason, it is jennifer, stopping by the house in which she does not live, and she finds claire naked, still tied up over the (curtain) rod, and covered in various fluids.

Jennifer shook her head. “I told you about the monster in the closet,” she said.

best line award:

The monster in the closet was now the monster in her pussy


Werewolf Hunting

okay, that one was alarming, yes, but this one breaks new ground in disturbing.

the very first sentence:

Okay, so I admit to planning on shooting my boyfriend with a tranquilizer gun sounds a bit extreme. But there are extenuating circumstances. If he’d ever just admitted to me, straight up, even once, that he was a werewolf, well then I probably wouldn’t have to shoot him just to prove my point.

this is the kind of reasoning you hear coming out the mouth of a lunatic in prison. the hole is dug more deeply:

Right now, my job was proving that Marlon was a werewolf. That probably sounds crazy, and he’s denied it all along. In fact, his strong denials just created more questions in my mind. He had an answer for all of my questions, they just didn’t all ring true. He could’ve come clean at any time over the last two years. Now I just needed a clean shot.

well, it’s true – the more vehemently someone denies being a werewolf, the more likely it is that they are actually a werewolf. that’s just common sense. and you can totally trust the perceptions of someone who says things like

It was late in the afternoon and the moon was nearly at its fullest.

ah, the beautiful afternoon moon from all the famous love songs.

so she follows him with her tranquilizer gun, to that place he goes every full moon, and lo! a wolf!

There was no real way to know if this was my Marlon or not. They both shared a similar fluid grace. I didn’t know what he was waiting for. Was he giving me a chance to back off my pursuit and pretend this never happened? Was he waiting for me to flee to chase me down and rip me limb from limb? Or was this just a normal wolf and I’ve made a terrible mistake.

we all make mistakes sometimes

so she carries through with her plan, and shoots this maybe-marlon-wolf. luckily, he was indeed a werewolf. because this is monsterotica, and not a true crime novel. but it easily could have been.

I didn’t know how much tranquilizer to use and I hopped I hadn’t accidentally killed my boyfriend.


although, she later says pretty decisively The amount of tranquilizer I used should have him out for twenty minutes.

but then Marlon was shaking off the effects of the tranq dart incredibly fast. Probably something to do with a heightened werewolf metabolism system.

and this vascillation between doubt/confidence/doubt is exactly the kind of mental pattern i want to see in someone who is licensed to carry a deadly weapon.

but marlon can’t control the beast,and tells her to run RUN!!

as she is running away, this is what is going through her head.

How was this happening? He was still my Marlon. Couldn’t he control the beast at all, even with me? I only wanted to find out the truth once and for all because I suspected he was going to propose to me. I wanted to marry this man, but i had to know what kind of man he truly was.

true love conquers all, i guess. true, irrational running-away while making seating charts love.

he catches her. there is intercourse.

“Marlon!” I cried out with each thrust. His cock pounded into me. I kept repeating his name as each thrust pushed his cock deep into my core. On one particular deep thrust I screamed out his name.

but you just said you cried out his name with “each thrust.” twice. so what was so notable abut that last “particular deep thrust/scream?” except for its depth. like the depth of these characters.

but there is a happy ending. she finds that she can indeed reach him in his werewolfy lusthaze and the pounding becomes a little less monstrous.

My earlier fear was replaced with a sense of security. As long as Marlon maintained control, he would be my fiercest and strongest ally I could ever hope for. Living with a werewolf was going to be a challenge. I’d never shrunk from challenges. Any future challenges we would face together, and hopefully I wouldn’t need a tranquilizer gun to do it.

I decided in that moment, if he did ask, I’d say yes.

challenges, challenges, challenges i like to say the word challenges.

but it is sweet, in its own way, right? despite the veiled threat??

best line award:

I arched my hips up slightly, trying to give him a better angle to ease the fucking he was throwing into my body.


Merman Ride & Slide

this is a book about courtney!

She was back home for spring break from her sophomore year at college and determined to mark a few things off her list of items to do before leaving her small hometown for good… Other items she had planned this summer included learning how to play roller derby, losing her virginity, and getting backstage at a rock concert.

way to bury the lede, courtney! but the getting backstage at the rock concert should help remove that pesky virginity. ooooor you could check off the first item on your list – to get into the super secret party of the local billionaire celebrity with his water park empire and his enigmatic ways.and then maybe you can explain to me why going back to college for your junior year = leaving your hometown for good. because you say it twice, with no explanation. where are you going? why aren’t you coming back?

but back to this party. courtney’s grand idea is to climb to the roof over enigmatic billionaire’s indoor water park and climb out onto “a ceiling window” to observe. a ceiling window.


so, obviously the window cracks because – duh. courtney’s college better not be the fancy expensive kind is all i’m saying. and she crashes through and falls into the pool, but not before she notices that all the party-goers, including enigmatic billionaire, are mermaids and mermen and then whoooooaaaahhhhhh splash.

yeah, splash

and that’s what happens with courtney and billionaire, except nakeder. like, immediately.she receives oral from the breathing-underwater man (has no one ever noticed his gills???) and then they have outside the water intercourse where he has all human parts. and he also has ulterior motives which explain his willingless to go straight to the sex-making, but not hers:

“You see, mating between humans and Merfolk has a certain side affect. Our mutual orgasm is even know working an additional kind of magic that humans are not resistant too. Your short-term memory will be fading soon. By the morning, you won’t remember anything from today.

and that is where we get roofies from, boys and girls. mermaid spooge.

best line award:

Courtney had only just met this man. this Merman, she didn’t understand why she was letting him take such liberties with her body.


Rock Troll

this one is probably the least-explicable to me. so, dana works at Charlie and Kathor’s Decorative Rock. which is apparently a company that provides rocks and boulders to landscapers.and there is only one rule – doooo not come back to the job after hours! dooo noooot.

but she does. but it is for her dog’s medication, so don’t go getting all judgy. yet.

dana has met charlie, but not kathor, who is rumored to be very antisocial. but through the dark, what does she see amongst all the various rocks?

The figure was tall. Very tall. Unnaturally tall.

tall, you say?

upon closer inspection, he is twelve feet tall with pointy ears, massive biceps, stringy hair, and a hooked nose. he sees her and she tries to excape, but kathor picks up the back of her …ummm… pickup, and prevents her from leaving.

dana is a little frightened, but also intrigued. she uses flirtation as a defense mechanism. cooing over his truck-lifting strength, she asks him to do it again “Just do it, please, I’ve never seen a troll before. Especially one as strong as you.” A flash of pride crossed Kathor’s face and Dana was glad to see her flattery was having the desired effect. “And take your shirt off, too,” she added.

oh, you little minx!

so he does, and despite his thick, cratered, green-tinged skin, she decides the best thing to do is to roll up on him and grab his trollhood. and he’s all “what the fuck” and she’s all “gimmie gimmie gimmie i grab you because i am suddenly a lust-machine.” and she climbs him and fondles him and there is some oral exploration.

She’d gotten a taste of troll and now she was determined to learn everything there was about the monster in front of her.

but we got a problem here. size matters: His tumescent shaft was already larger than the few previous boyfriends that Dana had slept with.

this is unclear – does she mean his penis was bigger than the penises of her former lovers, or bigger than the boyfriends themselves? because if b, that’s not really notable – if he is twelve feet tall for reals, he had better be packing more than some 6-foot human. and if a, well, yeesh.

but regardless of how that sentence is parsed, we have a problem.

Kathor’s cock had grown too thick for her mouth to accommodate.

booooo! she calls it quits with basically a shrugged “whatever.”

“I’m sorry, Kathor, but you’re just too big a boy after all. I was hoping that maybe I could taste you all the way, but it’s looking like this was just a bad idea.” Dana moved to pull his trousers back up over the rigid shaft that was now jutting firmly toward the night sky. “That,” she said gesturing to his cock, “is just too much to handle.”

“You can handle it,” his gravelly voice rumbled. “You’re just trying it the wrong way.”

because this troll is not going to be blueballed. not when his testicles (as we will soon learn) are already like “bags of stones.” and he hauls her off with some mouthy bullshit.

“I think you are a lot stronger than you let on sometimes, Dana.”

wait, how did we get to “sometimes??” isn’t this about twelve minutes after they meet?? and suddenly he’s bending her over a boulder and making these assertions about the way she is “sometimes?”

and then this??

Talking seems to be the only thing your mouth is good for. Tired of talking. Time for something else,” he grumbled.

it’s a little rude to be all passive-aggressive about her not being able to take your monstercock, pal. she gave it a better try than most girls would. but, yeah – she was a little to cocky about her ability to service that…. NO! RESIST STUPID WORDPLAY!

but, if it’s too big for her mouth…, he’s got some ideas.

and one more pause to discuss size. he is twelve feet tall, by dana’s estimation?? so how is sexual entrée possible with her bent over a boulder with her legs on the ground?? is he all torso??

and then he basically ruins her. i know, i know, childbirth and blah and blah, but there’s no way she’s gonna be right after this brutal assault on her vag. but, it’ll be better next time, right?

best line award:

His meat hung in the air like an unspoken promise.


Make Me a Sasquatch

another strong opening line “Make me a sammich,” was the last thing Heather heard Allen say before he ran squealing into the forest like a frightened animal.

and with that, heather’s plans for losing her virginity ended. or diiid they?

Heather was one of those mousy, intelligent girls that most guys seemed to ignore. Maybe the really hunky ones thought she’d look down on them for being dumb or that she only wanted to date guys on the chess team. They couldn’t have been more wrong. Sure, Heather was petite with mousy brown hair, wore glasses and spent more time with her head in a book than pretty much anywhere else. But that didn’t mean she wanted some pseudo-intellectually sensitive priss who ran off at the first sound of a bear or whatever was prowling around in the woods. Heather only looked small and fragile, but she didn’t think she’d break from a bit of rough and tumble. She’d survived the half-hour trek out to the middle of nowhere just fine while Allen was wheezing to catch his breath once they reached the picnic site.

ah, the mythology of the plain-but-sexxy booknerd who is too shy to approach a man. here’s an open secret – booknerds are the horniest people in all the land. ALA conferences? BEA afterparties?? orgies, all of them. except me. innocent as a lamb, i am.

this is the sasquatch’s opening line:

“I’m taking the sandwich.”

and this is their first exchange:

“Are you a Sasquatch?” she asked timidly.

The creature grunted around his sandwich. Swallowing loudly he replied, “Yep. Most people go with Bigfoot though. Sasquatch is better. Buck is best.”

“Buck?” she asked.

“That’s my name.”

“Oh, er, hi. I’m Heather,” she replied.

“S’okay,” he replied around another huge bite of the rapidly disappearing sandwich.

why do all the monsters in these stories talk like some asshole at a house party? why that casual-dick attitude? where did they learn english, particularly english slang?? and why are they so grabby and breedy?? because that’s what happens here. he eats her sandwich and then he’s all:

“I’m not in the habit of taking orders from women. Especially humans. You’re in my clan now. It’s just that simple…You’re my woman now, and you’re gonna make me a sasquatch. Probably a few of ’em, eventually. You may as well get used to it,” he said.

may as well. what booknerd is going to refuse such a marvelous offer? but it’s cool, because it turns out she is into bad boys, remember? and it’s not like the bigfoot isn’t a total catch.

The seven feet of raw dominance standing in front of her was only marred by the sheer hairiness of his extremities. The sloping brow didn’t help either, and yet there was something very compelling about Buck’s confidence.

you say confidence, i say rapeyness.

but it’s not a total downer, because apparently sasquatch fluid tastes like honeyed almonds. and who doesn’t like honeyed almonds?

so while it’s not exactly how she imagined losing her virginity, she still enjoys herself, despite her inner conflict about it all:

She wasn’t supposed to be enjoying this, was she? She didn’t ask for this, not from him, not from a sasquatch in the woods.

well, you kind of did ask for it. standing in the woods like that, making a sandwich and all. that’s a clear sign you want to be carried off by a seven-foot beast who talks like a frat boy and bear his many children, genetic implausibility be damned!

best line award:

Heather thrilled inwardly at how Buck was using her for his own pleasure and to maintain dominance in his clan.

so this is my overall problem with the stories in this collection. monsterporn is supposed to be about monsters. the congress between a human and a creature in creature form. the taboo. the unimaginable. but here, the “monster in the closet” was basically just some nasty dude hiding in a closet, not described as a monster at all. the werewolf was kind of shifting in between man and beast, the merman came out of the water into man-form for the sweet lovemaking, and the sasquatch was a hairy guy who wanted to start a family

have my babies, please?

the rock troll was the only real monster here, and even he was humanoid, if freakishly big. if i’m gonna giggle at these, i need an element of the bizarre, the shit i can’t wrap my head around. gimmie a squirrel, gimmie a slug, gimmie a chupacabra!. otherwise, it’s all just another episode of law and order: svu.

be more exotic, monsterporn!

and that is all.

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