I Fucked a Zombie Horde by Delilah Fawkes
delilah fawkes is the gold standard for monsterotica.
and i don’t feel obligated to say this about her because she has been super-helpful to me in all of our interactions, or because she gave me her seeeecret code to read this for free, or even because she wrote this one at a request from sunny, which shows what good people she is.
this is just…good.
and i am not even saying that it is good… for monster porn. it is just good-good, and the sexxy bits don’t even start until page 10 of the 13-page story.
before that, it is just an action-based narrative of a woman trying to escape some zombies and save a hot guy along the way. and she manages backstory in this tiny little thing that kristen simmons couldn’t be bothered with in her entire 362-page novel.
i mean, BAM:
Staying ahead of them isn’t as easy as you’d think. They don’t lumber about with outstretched arms going “Arrrrrrgh!” in slow motion. They get faster when they see you. When they smell you. You have what they want, and they’ll do anything to get it.
You have to be faster. You have to keep what you want, which is your body, and sanity, intact.
You have to be better than the zombies, or they’ll eat you alive.
The name’s Rose.
My mama said it was because I blushed so delicately as a baby, but I like to think it’s because I have thorns. I’ve been living in this God-forsaken city since it happened, since they all started turning, and I made it longer than most everybody I know. They all fell, one by one, till nothing was left.
That the way it goes, I guess. That’s the way the cookie crumbles.
They say it all started when scientists were inventing a new pleasure enhancer—some new grease in a tube for the bedroom. They made one that was supposed to harden your boner, and one that was supposed to tingle the ladies’ down south, but when they combined them… the monkeys in the lab… well, I suppose you could say they went ape shit.
that’s all you need to do. what is happening? there are zombies. why? because of a lab accident gone awry. what makes this different from other zombie stories? because these zombies don’t want to eat you, they want to fuck you. and if they make you come, you in turn become a zombie.
i mean, it is less medically convincing than the traditional zombie origin-stories, but it is original and funny, and i appreciate her twist on it.
and it is so easy to provide these basic answers to your audience. YOU LISTENING, SIMMONS?
i genuinely liked this story. i pray that someday it is included in one of those zombie anthologies because there are (still) so damn many of them being published and this one is too much fun to be excluded.
can i just say that the ending to this one was the funniest thing i have read all week? the zombie-horde sex, whatever – groping, inserting, fluids… etc. sunny will probably like that part. it is definitely full of intercourse. me, i am here for the laffs. and oh, delilah knows how to end a story with some laffter.
thank you again, delilah, for brightening my day with your sick genius!
if your former kindergarten students could see you now, eh??…
