The Twinkies Cookbook: A New Sweet and Savory Recipe Collection from America’s Most Iconic Snack Cake by Hostess
My rating:5/5 cats
WELCOME TO APRIL PROJECT!
but first – let’s take a second to squee over the april page in the allie brosh calendar. so cute!
for april, the same general floater-warning applies, with some amendments:
this is my april project, so it’s gonna pop up every now and then throughout the month. however, because this one is a cookbook rather than a drawing, coloring, or maggie-centric project book, i’m likely not going to do one a day. that’s just too many twinkies! but i will do at least two a week, unless i do, in fact, need surgery, and that’ll just screw everything up, so fingers crossed that my body will heal itself. and, yes, i will miss my maggie adventures, but i guarantee you that some cat hair is going to find its way into these recipes, so she will be with us all in spirit.
i’m picking and choosing what to make from this book for reasons of time and practicality. as lovely as this is, i ain’t making a twinkie wedding cake:
and the twinkie sushi looks cute, but probably tastes gross, and i learned my lesson with that tang toast debacle.
and i feel like i just missed the timing on the twinkie easter egg hunt
there’s also a turkey stuffed with a twinkie-cornbread stuffing, but spring doesn’t seem like the right time for that.
additionally, i bemoan the fact that my deep fryer is no longer here, because there are a few that require one that i would love to make, particularly the deep-fried bacon-wrapped chocolate-covered twinkies which sound amazing. true culinary fact – the more hyphens a recipe name has, the tastier it is.
ALSO, i need to find someone to let me use their microwave so i can make the chocolate hazelnut twinkie s’mores. why aren’t there public microwave huts available? someone get on that.
but never fear, there are still many many recipes to explore.
the most challenging thing about this project is keeping sean of the house out of the twinkies EVEN THOUGH i have so many easter snacks and ridiculous treats lying around that he is permitted to eat, he keeps making a move towards the twinkie boxes and i need to keep swatting him with a spatula.
but so enough of that – let the great twinkie adventure begin!
CHICKEN-RASPBERRY TWINKIE SALAD
this is how it looks in the book
you will need
and of course, maggie is all investigative as i’m getting my mise together … no, maggie, your project was LAST MONTH!
so you end up with some salsa
a real white trash ‘raspberry vinaigrette’
and some chicken mixed with the twinkie cream and jam and balsamic which looked pretty gross
but everything looks prettier covered in salsa and cheese!
they look a little dodgy, but they were unexpectedly tasty. who knew jalapeños and twinkies were a good match?
and serving them on a bed of greens makes them healthy!
i gave some to greg, and he declared them to be ‘yummy.’ sean of the house wouldn’t even try them. he only likes twinkies in their natural state, preferably pilfered. but i say yum.
CHOCOLATE TWINKIE PUDDING
you will need
in the slow cooker, ready to go:
and you will use way more chocolate chips than the recipe calls for. because who wants open chocolate chip bags cluttering up the cupboards?
and this is what will happen:
it’s incredibly rich and dense
and doesn’t slide off of the spoon at all. and it kind of looks like a little bear.
rarrrr
also delicious. and somehow tastes like there’s alcohol in it, even though there is not
FROZEN YOGURT TWINKIE POP
you will need
combine
freeze
eat
even a broken-backed old lady can make it!
TWINKIE TUNNEL BUNDT CAKE
this is how it looks in the book
you will need
it gets all messy and textured in the baking process
with cutie twinkie-peeksies!
then invert, dust with confectioner’s sugar
and add john cusack
PIGS IN A TWINKIE
you will need
the recipe is pretty simple – make sausages, slice off ends of twinkies and then … sexxytime
(maggie is scandalized next to me on my messy sickbed)
then you bake ’em and add some maple syrup
these are tasty. very sweet, but tasty.
TWINKIE BROWNIE BARS
you will need
so, you make the brownies and then you scoff at the “microwave” step and make your caramel sauce in a wobbly poorgirl ‘double boiler’
and you layer everything together
and you cover it with a mixture of whipped cream and hot cocoa powder
it’s in the fridge now – getting ready for me to devour it… i will report back!
here is what it looks like in cross-section:
this is the most delicious one yet. i have fed it to greg, connor, and sean of the house and everyone has been over the moon about it. most definitely a keeper, and it has singlehandedly made the entire project worth it.
DAVE’S TWINKIE BURGER
this is how it looks in the book:
you will need
i was really looking forward to this one; it’s that kind of sweet/savory mashing i so enjoy. i’m following the recipes here faithfully, even when i think it would be better to do it my way, so when this one said “frozen beef patty,” that’s what i used, even though it was a little thinner than i typically like my meat. so you divide one beef patty among three twinkie bottoms
top with bacon
and brie
top with hot sauce mixture while maggie looks on – and yes, i attempted a fancy fine dining sauce-smear, but did not quite pull it off. and also dropped some on my table.
but it still looked magnificent… formidable
it just wasn’t as delicious as i’d hoped. it was in no way disgusting, but i think there needed to be a “remove the cream” step. the twinkie cake/bacon combo was a winner, but the cream pushed it into “too-sweet” territory. and brie is not the right cheese. or i just messed up the proportions. the sauce was too spicy and the bacon and hamburger too savory and they ended up overpowering the mild flavor of the brie. the texture was nice, but that’s all i was getting from the brie.
a little disappointing, but if i decide to make it again, i know how to improve it.
**this project is facing a terrible setback. apparently, there is a twinkie shortage no one told me about. today i went to NINE different stores in my neighborhood – five grocery stores and three duane reade/rite aid stores, risking my poor busted back AND my friendship with greg, who i enlisted to help me walk and to carry things i’m not supposed to be carrying, and we did not manage to find a single box of twinkies. i had enough here to make two additional recipes today, and tomorrow i am going to take the subway to some stores i am confident will have them, but i’m a bit concerned – where have all the twinkies gone??**
TWINKIE CHERRY PIE
this is how it looks in the book
you will need
here is the process – cover halved twinkies with cream cheese/condensed milk mixture
cherry pie filling
crushed pineapple
nuts – i used peanuts because the recipe called for ‘brazil nuts or other nuts (optional)’ which is…nuts, because whose go-to recipe nut is the brazil nut? can you even buy brazil nuts? don’t they only exist to be flicked outta the mixed nuts in favor of the noble cashew? (gesundheit)
whipped cream
more cherry pie filling and more nuts
i haven’t tried it yet, but i will report back.
not the prettiest cross-section, but it was damn tasty!
CRAZY TWINKIE CAPRESE BITES
this is the one i was dreading the most
you will need (the brown stuff in the plastic lid is finely-crumbled bacon)
fry (note to youse – twinkies fry up FAST and can burn very easily if you get distracted with other things)
like making a balsamic reduction
maybe not the most masterfully-plated dish
add balsamic reduction
and there you have it
this was not as disgusting as i thought it would be and somehow, against all expectations, sean loved them. which was good because i burned more than a few of them and he enjoys the taste of char more than i do. i don’t think i’d make them again, but at least i didn’t frow up, and i have a ton of balsamic reduction to use on something tastier.
TWINKIE ORANGE BAVARIAN DREAM
you will need:
arrange oranges
cover with goop
greg, maybe don’t look at this part
then slap it in the fridge to set and cover it with pretty in a few hours
this is greg’s favorite so far. it can be made with any jello flavor, so i may test some others
FRENCH TWINKIES
you will need
this is basically ‘make french toast out of twinkies!’
oh, and they are deliiiiiicious
maybe even the best one yet!
NO-BAKE TWINKIE TURTLE CAKE
you will need
look familiar? they all pretty much start out this way
add pudding
add toasted pecans
add caramel
add whipped cream and chocolate chips. refrigerate.
this one got … weird.
i don’t know if it’s because i got cook & serve pudding instead of instant pudding and it hadn’t cooled properly before i put it in the fridge or if i’m being punished for having no pudding brand-loyalty
but the pudding got gelatinous, there was a caramel flood and everything was cray
CHICKEN & WINKIES
you will need
you make waffle batter with twinkies ‘crumbled’ into it. which is pretty difficult because the cream just sort of gets everywhere, so i ended up crumbling the cake around the cream and just tossing the creamy center into the batter as one cream-log before mixing it all up. i also used three twinkies instead of two, because two seemed insufficient.
then – waffle it! special thanks to erica, who sent me this waffle iron for easter because she is a lunatic angel. observe – baby’s first waffle!
then i made a whole stack of ’em
then add some dinosaur chicken nuggets (which taste better than boring chicken ovals)
rarrrrrr
and some syrup so you can play dinosaur nugget tar pit games oh nooooooo
good times had by all but the dinosaurs. there wasn’t a strong twinkie taste to the waffles, even using that extra one, but the mere fact that i was making waffles in my own home was pretty freaking cool.
TWINKIE-CHOCONANA TOFFEE CRUNCH
you will need
i am taking some liberties with the ingredients because i couldn’t find a 22 oz tub of pre-made chocolate pudding, so i made it myself (instant this time ‘cuz i learn from my mistakes) i also used plain toffee chunks instead of chocolate-covered ones because it was hard enough to even find these. phew – confessions are draining.
SO – start with twinkie layer
cover with pudding and bananas
then do that again
one more pudding layer
and whipped cream
this was the first recipe to call for canned whipped cream instead of cool whip, so whippets were required. look at me; i’m a suburban teenager!
add toffee and ta-daaaaa!!
TWINKIE PANCAKES
this is how it looks in the book
sean will be making these for me, while i recover from surgery over here on the bed. keep the project aliiiiiive!
you will need
OR
the recipe just calls for ‘pancake batter,’ and i don’t know how sean’s going to feel, energy-wise, so i’m giving him an easy-out option
which he did not take, and he made pancakes from scratch like a hero!
i helped by cutting twinkies
pshhhhhhhh
and ta-daaa!
so, i’m glad i didn’t make this one myself, because it was kind of a failure. not because of sean, but because he discovered the same thing i did when i was making the twinkie caprese bites – twinkies fry up really quickly, so once the pancakes were flipped, the twinkies were getting blackened by the time the batter around them was cooked.
but he’s no dummy – he ended up just making me regular pancakes and smooshing fried twinkies onto them with a maple syrup adhesive. genius.
i should have surgery more often
okay, so here’s some bittersweet news: dana has left woodside. she is moving on up to some schmancy place, leaving greg and me and connor behind, but ALSO leaving behind her microwave and s’mores maker:
which microwave has been temporarily donated to me, before i bring it to the sal next week, it being too big for my apartment. (the s’mores maker can stay) so me and sean of the house have been having quite a microwave party, which may or may not be shared with the larger world, but most importantly, it means i was able to make this after all:
CHOCOLATE HAZELNUT TWINKIE S’MORES
this is how it looks in the book
you will need
is very easy to make
this half goes here:
this half goes in here:
and then they kiss. messily.
and then you get in on that sweet action
thank you so much, dana, for making this mess possible. woodside misses you. and your cats.
one week left to go! i’m not sure how many more recipes i am going to be able to squeeze in before the end of april!! i have adjusted my list of planned recipes, and i can manage a few more, but i have to be realistic, as unfamiliar a concept as that is to me. i think i can probably do four more, but i’m going to plan for three and then be pleasantly surprised.
TWINKIE CARROT CAKE COOKIES
this is how it looks in the book
you will need
this one was a complete disaster.
it started out well – i gutted the twinkies
i may have grated too many carrots. i bought an extra one because they looked small, and i probably really only needed the two, but now i have an extra grated carrot lying around for all my grated carrot needs.
this recipe, unlike many of the others, takes up TWO WHOLE pages. it isn’t at all difficult, but it’s more than just layering, and you will need a food processor. now, i have a food processor, but it’s more like a tabletop chopper with a food processor attachment, and it is woefully small. with the reassurance of the internet that a blender can be used in place of a food processor 9 times out of 10, and absolutely for the basic things this recipe called for, i decided to attempt a blender/mini-food processor alternating batch system, cleverly circumventing the need to go out and buy a new appliance.
but it didn’t quite work out that way.
my blender was not up to the task of processing food and making small batches of dough in the food processor took forever, blended inconsistently, and was difficult to remove from the compartment, so after every batch there would be some dough left that got blended again and again and again and became overworked and tough. plus, this dough is the stickiest dough in the world ever, so i would lose tons of it with each transplant as it clung to my spoons and rubber spatulas and my hands and refused to just be dough! after hours of mess and frustration and a sticky camera (i tried to take more pictures of the messy proceedings, but it became too dangerous for little blue), i ended up stirring the grated carrots in instead of continuing this ill-fated process.
finished cookies
iced – even the icing was weird. i think by the time it came to be icing-making time, i was already so irritated at spending so long on a task i thought would be just a portion of my day, i had mentally moved on to the anxiety of all the other things i was meant to have accomplished and rushed it. it came out really runny.
but at least i got to turn maggie into a unicorn
sean loves them and was starting to gobble them down un-iced until i scolded. i iced two for posterity, but i’ll probably leave the rest un-iced the way he prefers and just let him have at the rest of them. i took a small bite when they first came out of the oven and wasn’t crazy about them. you can’t really taste the twinkies, so it’s like the opposite of that thing you do with kids to fool them into eating vegetables. here, you make a carrot cookie and then say “haha, i tricked you! it’s actually BAD FOR YOU with secret twinkies, whe!” and that’s just wrong
APPLE BRIE CHEDDAR MINIS
you will need:
this one has a lot of steps, but i managed not to screw it up this time.
scoop out all the twinkie cream
fill those holes in with shredded cheddar
make some apples w/ rum and butter
put ’em on top of the cheddar
cover with brie
and toasted walnuts
slap the twinkie dome on top
panfry them in butter
make a sauce out of twinkie cream, sriracha, rosemary, and salt – which looks very holiday-festive before you mix it all together
dollop the sauce on and squirt your balsamic reduction all over it
look how good i squirted this time! LGM!
this one is actually very good and the brie makes sense here, unlike in that other recipe. after i panfried them i put them in the oven for a bit to help melt all that cheddar in the bottom because i didn’t want them to scorch before the cheese had a chance to get nice and runny. if this project has taught me one thing…
TWINKIE LASAGNA
this is how it looks in the book
you will need
i cheated and bought frozen raspberries because people between paying gigs with medical bills looming have no business spending $7.99 on fruit. i also made a half-portion recipe because people fat on steroids and over a month of back-injury house arrest have no business eating so many twinkies.
last time for this
thanks again for the microwave, dana!
dollop on the chocolate
layer on the berries
heap on the pudding
smooth on the cool whip
and this is what it looks like after it sets. or, fails to set
even though it looks weird and runny, it still tasted real good, so i say success, although i don’t see the correlation to lasagna. also, that layer of melted chocolate chips really screws everything up – once you put it in the fridge, it becomes this hard shell in the middle that seems out of place with the rest of the soft gooshy textures.
END OF PROJECT SUMMATION:
19 recipes. 12 1/2 boxes of twinkies. and what did we learn? we have very little space left, so i can only list the winners:
1) FRENCH TWINKIES
2) TWINKIE BROWNIE BARS
3) TWINKIE ORANGE BAVARIAN DREAM
honorable mention:
TWINKIE-CHOCONANA TOFFEE CRUNCH
misc. notes:
recipes i thought i was going to make but ran out of time:
•TWINKIE TOAST PIE
•NO-BAKE TWINKIE PUMPKIN PIE
•BANANA TWINKIE BREAD PUDDING
•TWINKIE BANANA SPLIT
•TWINKIE BOMB
•TWINKIE FOREST BERRY ICE CREAM
•TWINKIEHENGE
additional recipes i chose not to make, some only for lack of a deep-fryer or ice cream machine, both of which are in storage:
•TWINKIE STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE
•PINEAPPLE UPSIDE-DOWN CAKE TWINKIES
•RIBBONS AND BOWS TWINKIE WEDDING CAKE
•TWINKIE CUPCAKES WITH MARSHMALLOW BUTTERCREAM
•MALTED CAKE TRUFFLES WITH DARK CHOCOLATE HOT FUDGE
•TWINKIE STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE PIE
•PATRIOTIC TWINKIE PIE
•TWINKIE SUSHI
•TWINKIE EASTER EGG HUNT
•COUNTY FAIR PARFAIT
•TWINKIE KEBABALS
•TWINKIE BURRITOS
•FRIED TWINKIES WITH CHOCOLATE SAUCE
•TWINKIE PETITS FOURS
•TWINKIE BREAD PUDDING WITH WHISKEY SAUCE
•TWINKIE-MISU
•BITE-SIZED TWINKIE BAKED ALASKA
•TWINKIE ICE CREAM
TWINKIE CORNDOG
•DEEP-FRIED BACON-WRAPPED CHOCOLATE-COVERED TWINKIES
•TWINKLING TURKEY
•CREAMY MALTED TWINKIES MILK SHAKE
•TWINKIE GRASSHOPPER
•TWINKIRITO
AND NOW A RANT: so here’s something i discovered when i was going through my bookshelves trying to figure out what the may project should be. i found this book:
which is an earlier edition of this book with many of the same recipes as the one i’m using, but also a TON of others, including some i want to make LIKE CRAZY and am very angry i am only discovering this now!
complete list of recipes specific to this earlier edition:
•TWINKIE TRAIN
•TWINKIE PEANUT BUTTER LOGS
•TWINKIE BIRDS
•DEEP-FRIED TWINKIES WITH RASPBERRY SYRUP
•CHOCOLATE TWINKIE TRIFLE
•TWINKIE ÉCLAIR
•CHOCOLATE TWINKIE POPS
•TWINKIE FANTASY
•PINEAPPLE TWINKIE PUDDING
•EASY TWINKIE PEACH CAKE
•TWINKIE MACCHIATO CAKE
•TWINKIE CHEESECAKE WITH CHERRY TOPPING
•TWINKIE ICEBOX CAKE
•BANANA FROZEN YOGURT TWINKIE SUNDAE
•TWINKIE ICE CREAM CAKE
•GRANDMA JO’S TWINKIE JELL-O DESSERT
•TWINKIE LOVE POTION NUMBER 75
•TWINKIE MILKSHAKE
•PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY TWINKIE CAKE
•STRAWBERRY TWINKIE STACK
TRIFLE IN THE TWINKIE OF AN EYE
•TWINKIE-PECAN BANANAS FOSTER
•PUMPKIN TWINKIE BREAD PUDDING
but that’s not even the thing that made me rarrr the most – it’s that, after i had to jettison 3/4 of ALL MY BOOKS after bedbug party 2015, two of the books that managed to stay here were twinkie cookbooks? i mean, i know things were crazy and mistakes were made, but considering how many books i really want to read are in storage units far from my grasp right now, it seems like an outrage that these made the cut in place of, say The Blood of Heaven.
cruel cruel world.
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