monsterporn and offbeat erotica


The Sex Swing RentalThe Sex Swing Rental by Ernest Winchester
0 Stars

dear goodreaders:

it has come to my attention that there are over one million books being offered on nook for free. FOR FREE! ONE MILLION!

and keeping in mind the success of self-published/fanfic masterpieces like Fifty Shades of Grey, Angelfall, and Wool Omnibus, i have taken it upon myself to find the Next Big Thing amongst these titles.

therefore, i will be reading as many of these as i can, to uncover the hidden gems, and passing along my findings to you. yes, you!!

will they all be awesome?
am i going to pick most of them just because their covers or titles make me laugh?
very likely, indeed.

so let’s start it off!

okay. so this is the first book in the project.

sex swing rental.

i must confess, when i saw this one, my first thought was, “ewww. just buy your own effing sex swing! that is bound to be a cootie-factory.”

but that is because i did not understand the premise of this book.

so she is a hooker, yeah? but she gets around the illegality of that by claiming to be someone who rents out her sex swing! and when she shows up at the renter’s place, intercourse ensues, unless she fears she is being set up, and then just rides in it, fully clothed, collecting her money for the literal service she has advertised.


as for the rest of it.

i mean, if you like your erotica deadeyed and jaded, this might work for you. there are no illusions here, no fantasy. this is bored hooker sex. the john is unattractive and droolingly eager, while she fakes her orgasm and keeps one eye on the clock.

you will, however, learn a lot about the mechanics of intercourse in a sex swing. i myself have never used a sex swing, but one time i fell out of a hammock and sprained my wrist, which sounds about as enjoyable.

especially with this lady.

but i gotta hand it to her – she manages to get a whole lot done in an hour. me, i can be plugging away, inserting EANs into the tool (which sounds totally hot when i see it written like that) and look at the clock, amazed at how long what sounds like a straightforward project has taken me.

this lady is all efficiency.

but it is not sexy. it is very very bored.

and the ending is quite possibly the worst ever.

which should be enough for you to read it.

it is free!

and, who knows, maybe it will become a sensation! and you will have heard about it here first. probably.

read my reviews on goodreads

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this feels gauche, but when i announced i was starting a blog, everyone assured me this is a thing that is done. i’m not on facebook, i’ve never had a cellphone or listened to a podcast; so many common experiences of modern life are foreign to me, but i’m certainly struggling financially, so if this is how the world works now, i’d be foolish to pass it up. any support will be received with equal parts gratitude and bewilderment.

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