deaf to my topless pleas to stop being so kindle-exclusive and come on over to my nook, i thought i would never get to read a chuck tingle story.
no?? no tinglers for me?
but thanks to an angel of the internet, who i will gladly name if given the go-ahead, i was FINALLY able to read a book by this chuck tingle fella who has taken the monsterporn world by storm. from all the articles and interviews i have read, and from his phenomenal high-definition but lazily photoshopped book covers and magnetic poetry style titles, i thought this was going to be the ne plus ultra of monsterotica.
i don’t understand. from all the excerpts, i thought this was going to be the funniest, most over-the-top thing i would ever read. but it’s the normcore of monsterporn. it’s like he just wrote a story and then had some dinosaur sex in it at the end. there’s … detail and set-building and character development. step off, raymond carver – this isn’t how it’s done!! where are my typos?? where is all the weird, silly fun that is the
beating heart throbbing member of monsterporn??
The entire wall is translucent, showing off a truly breathtaking view of a hilly grey landscape beyond where two separate moons hang brilliantly in the dark sky. If I hadn’t seen this view every morning for far longer than I’d care to remember, I might even be moved to tears by the sight, a real manifestation of mankind’s commitment to science and space travel.
Instead, I find myself bored, reminded that as Pike is taking off in his shuttle pod towards earth, I’m going to be trekking back across the massive grey dunes to gather data from the terraforming station.
less asimov, more ass-imov, please!
but don’t worry, it’s coming.
so our hero is all alone in the barren landscape of space. ooooor iiiiiis he? no, he isn’t. there’s also a velociraptor in a spacesuit named orion who thought he was all alone in the “empty solar system,” sent to explore the universe from his home planet… earth two.
orion is very articulate for a lizard, overcoming his anatomy to achieve all kinds of glottal and labiodental sounds:
…I’m assuming that back on Earth One you were taught that my people died in some kind of ice age? Something like that?”
The dinosaur chuckles. “That’s some revisionist history for you. No, there was no ice age. The real reason that the dinosaurs aren’t around anymore is because we all left, in search of a larger and more forgiving planet than Earth One. We sailed the stars for many years until finding a suitable home on Earth two, but we still like to keep tabs on all parts of the galaxy.”
but – boy, is it lonely.
fortunately, now they are together and they can play ping-pong and talk late into the night, and if their friendship turns into something more… well, that’s just natural, right??
…after a long night of ping pong and chowing down on astronaut ice cream, me and Orion find ourselves lounging on the couch and looking out over the grey hills together.
“Can I ask you a personal question?” I start, watching the dinosaur from the corner of my eye.
Orion smiles. “Sure thing, Lance. Shoot.”
“You ever think about what it would be like to fuck a human.” I ask. My heart is now thumping ferociously in my chest, but I try to remain calm and even keeled.
“Yeah, I mean, who hasn’t?” Orion offers. “The thing is, I’m a pretty big dinosaur and human women are just to delicate. I would probably crush one if I tried.”
I let his words linger in the air for a moment, not sure if I should say what I so desperately want to. But it’s now or never, I think to myself, taking a deep breath.
“What about a human man?” I question.
I can see the raptors expression suddenly change as understanding washes over him.
“Yeah, I think I might be into that actually.” Orion tells me.
“I mean, it’s not gay if it’s a dude raptor and a dude human, right?” I ask.
“Totally not gay.” Says the dinosaur. “The raptor would have to be in control though; dominating, even.”
and it’s ON!
but despite a few hilarious moments
“You’re gonna take that dinosaur dick and you’re gonna like it.” Orion tells me, taking me by the head and thrusting me down again. “You should have known better than to test me. My people have been fucking for billions of years before you humans we were even around.”
and despite the little glitches like that additional “we” there, it just feels too polished for monsterporn. and not like the polishing of the raptor rod. it’s almost missing the spirit of monsterporn by focusing on the story. and that’s not what i expected. i thought this was going to be the dirrrrrtiest, most coked-up hilarious version of monsterporn. but it’s almost trying too hard. the ratio of story to sex scenes falls strongly on the side of story. which is a weird complaint for me to make, since i have gone on record time and again saying that i skim the sex scenes. but it’s just not as much fun as others of its kind. it’s more of a monster romance novel, where they get together in the end for a single steamy, filthy scene.
i swear it’s not just sour grapes for not making his stories more accessible to nookies like me, and i want to read all of them nonetheless. i just think that the covers and the titles are so so so good, i wish this story had lived up to the potential. maybe the one about the man who has sex with his own butt will be better. i still want you on my nook, tingle!!
i will leave you with this
“You’ve been a very bad astronaut.” Orion tells me, his raptor face pressed hard against mine as we pump together in sweaty unison. “So you’re gonna take my Jurassic load up your asshole and you’re gonna like it.”
“Yes, sir.” I tell him. “Fill me with that hot load.”
“Beg me!” Orion demands.
“Please fill me with your nasty dino load!” I cry out. “I want your jizz inside of me!”
a far-from-complete chuck tingle cover gallery:
which i have to point out, is the same cover model from Monsters Made Me Gay: Yeti Gangbang
and the most meta of them all: