Sharcano by Jose Prendes
My rating: 5/5 cats
SHHHHHAAAARRRCCCCAAANNOOOOOOO!!!!
yeah, i gave this book five stars cats, what? they are a different kind of five stars than the five stars i have given, say Wuthering Heights or Bleak House. they are more like the kind of five stars i have given to books like Abraham Lincoln: Fuck Lord of the Moon and Reamed by Ratatoskr, where the stars are more about how appreciative i am that this book actually exists than that i am assessing their literary merit or any lasting contribution to humanity. those five stars represent the joy i felt reading this book. although, even then, this was probably more like a 4.5 stars because fun as this was, it was still FOUR HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN PAGES long, which is really long for this kind of thing, and it is only the first book in a trilogy. so, so many more pages to come.
this is in the fine literary-monster-pulp tradition as guy smith’s amazing “crab” series (of which i have only read Killer Crabs and Crabs’ Moon – must get on the other five), and also vernon d. burns’ Double Feature and Gods of the Jungle Planet. (all books to which i have given five stars, so you are seeing what i am meaning) however, this is neither sexist enough nor racist enough to really be keeping their offensive flame alive, nor is there nearly enough inexplicable sexual intercourse. which kind of ties into the “not sexist enough” part – these female characters have more to do than just act helpless and ask stupid questions while they are on their knees. which is a thumbs-up for libbers, but there is something so time-capsule charming about those guy smith books with their horrible drunk-grandpa giggle-cringe moments. this one is not without cringe, but it’s less pervasive.
so, yes, everyone loves sharknado. and sharktopus. and shark polar vortex.
and avalanche sharks oh my god
but my favorite bad shark film has always been bait, in which a tsunami in australia causes a mall and underground parking garage to become flooded and filled with trouble
and the beginning of this book reminded me of that, when a volcano erupts, causing a tsunami which floods the streets of shanghai with shark-infested water, and there is much jaw-snapping at people on rooftops. and we’re off.
so a lot of you are probably rolling your eyes at this already, calling it a cheap sharknado rip off. but good people, i entreat you – listen. this is more than just some wind picking up some sharks and tossing them at some aryans. because while it starts out with ho-hum normal shark week sharks, it soon escalates into…LAVA SHARKS
they are sharks and they are made of lava
because fuck you, science!!
and they can get you anywhere, because volcanos start shooting off all across the globe, and lava sharks erupt out of cracks in the ground and getcha even in places where you should be safe from freaking volcanos.
and they are so angry. and hungry.
but never fear, because there are plenty of alpha males at the ready
“I’ve worked camera on a dozen or so nature shows, Mister Cathcart, I won’t slow you down out there,” Rick replied with a satisfying and friendly Australian accent, tossing him a wink, but not the good kind that Jessica at the park was throwing around.
“Rick, nice to know you. Question: Let’s say we’re in the field and you wake up in your tent to find an emperor scorpion on your chest, what do you do?”
“Whatever the fuck it is, I’ll brush it off of me and stomp it to shit,” Rick replied without hesitation.
“Good answer, you’ll do nicely.”
take that, lava sharks! prepare for some stomping!
a lot of this book’s length is owing to its parade of similes. sometimes there are as many as three similes on a single page. here is a sampling, but by no means a complete record:
–the vehicle would tear through the jet’s tail section like his dick through spring breakers
–tossing the squid away like a Raggedy-Ann doll out a car window
–the sight of the Megalodon, like a meat train derailed on the beach
–he would snatch it like a horny teen would snatch a virgin cherry
–like a pile of dung festering in an abandoned outhouse
–like a constipated poodle
–he moved like an inchworm, but with a rocket up its ass
–like he had just shit a hornet’s nest
–like a class clown at a helium party
–a hoarse shriek of fright like a drowning horse (see what he did there?)
–He eyeballed the fat, awkward wallet and spread it like a pair of legs on prom night
–like a freaked-out monkey stuck in a tree that he had forgotten to climb down from
–like a teen at Christmas enjoying his first hit of cocaine off an Asian hooker’s tit
–like something a clown had shat out
–like grapes with fireworks shoved up inside them
–like an old man with a free fuck coupon to the local whorehouse
–like a professional pants remover
and this really specific one:
–like a giant blob of burning silly putty slamming over and over against a newspaper to retain the image of the latest Calvin and Hobbes adventure.
this book will probably be overlooked when it comes time to distribute the national book awards. but, if you are looking for a book where a giant squid fights a megalodon, only to be trumped by a volcano, new york city gets covered in lava, a lava shark goes right for a lady’s boobs, plus sasquatch, plague, satanists, one thousand hilarious gory deaths, instant cauterization, and a fair assessment of a popular movie
“This reminds me of that long ass movie with the two midgets,” Trigg recounted. “The one about the ring and all the talkin’?”
you can’t do much better than this. and if you can, please drop me a note.
i will leave you with this
Lava sharks jumped up at him from below, snapping at him like little barking Chihuahuas at someone’s heels. Except Chihuahuas weren’t on fire and flying through the air at you. They would be a very serious threat then.
oh, yes.
look out.
