monsterporn and offbeat erotica

SEX YACHT: SEXY SEA ADVENTURES 2 – SCOTT REX

Sex Yacht - Sexy Sea Adventures 2Sex Yacht – Sexy Sea Adventures 2 by Scott Rex
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dear goodreaders:

it has come to my attention that there are over one million books being offered on nook for free. FOR FREE! ONE MILLION!

and keeping in mind the success of self-published/fanfic masterpieces like Fifty Shades of Grey, Angelfall, and Wool, i have taken it upon myself to find the Next Big Thing amongst these titles.

therefore, i will be reading as many of these as i can, to uncover the hidden gems, and passing along my findings to you. yes, you!!

will they all be awesome?
unlikely.
am i going to pick most of them just because their covers or titles make me laugh?
very likely, indeed.

this is the fifteenth book in the project.

first of all, let me take a moment to welcome all of my brand-new shiny followers!! my inbox was so full of your notifications on christmas day. i can just see you all sitting under your christmas trees with your new kindle paperwhites, learning about goodreads for the first time and seeing that helpful goodreads list of recommended people to follow. and here i am!! you are following me! and i am reviewing Sex Yacht – Sexy Sea Adventures 2! and i expect some of you were not prepared for this.

i imagine many of you will choose to unfollow me after this, and that’s fine. i read a ton of different kinds of books, not all of them suitable for family gatherings. it would be great if you stuck around and embraced the great wide world of books and not just “the good stuff,” and i promise i will read plenty of “good stuff” in 2014, but right now, i am reviewing Sex Yacht – Sexy Sea Adventures 2 so strap in.

i am not sure what this book is, but i can pretty much guarantee that it is not going to be the next big thing. another one bites the dust.

let me just type out the first two and a half paragraphs from this book for you because it is amaaaaazing, and makes me really wish i had read the first volume of this:

Josh had been adrift on the ocean for more than a week now. His sexy companion Angela had been stolen away by that vagabond Eric, but now they both seemed like a dream in Josh’s sunburnt mind. He was thirsty and exhausted under his parasol, sitting in his raft alone in the middle of the sea. All around him was blue water forever.

Half of his face had a longer beard than the other half because Angela had half-shaved him before he fucked her, drifting along on the ocean. That was a couple lonely days ago.

But Josh didn’t much care about Angela. All Josh could think about was his girlfriend Lisa. Was she still alive? Had she died in the shipwreck? Did the giant squid eat her? Josh hoped she was alive.

oh my god! so much tantalizing recap-tease! i would love to know more, but for now, i have only this one to enjoy.

so, half-beard josh is losing himself in erotic fantasies seemingly unconcerned about his predicament, but then luckily he is rescued by a pleasure yacht full of fancy people drinking fancy drinks in various shades of undress. fortunately josh, despite being cast adrift and losing all he loves, still knows how to talk to people in his beautiful and articulate speech:

“My name is Josh,” he told them. His throat felt much better now that he had some water. “My cruise ship was sunk by a giant squid. I don’t know if my girlfriend is alive. I miss her so much. Thank you for the water.”

pure poetry.

despite him talking like a forrest gump outtake, the revelers agree to take him on board providing he join them in their high sea-debauchery. this is no problem for josh, because he came on board with an erection, since The splashing water made him think about ejaculating between Lisa’s legs, so he’s good to go, despite having been at sea and all. which is impressive in itself.

i’m not sure about the wisdom of giving a man who has been on a raft in the middle of the ocean for an extended period of time a bunch of ecstasy and alcohol to ready him for a fornication frenzy – it sounds dehydrating and depleting both, but i’m overly cautious and wouldn’t engage in bareback orgies on a ship with strangers to begin with, i mean – there is a killer squid around! make for land!

so, let’s meet the people on the boat. they are described with effortless characterization in simple, declarative sentences so we really get a sense of who they are as people what they are wearing.

The man wore a white suit. The girl wore a black bikini and black sunglasses. She had small breasts and brown hair.

Some of the men wore fancy suits, others just wore shorts. One of the women wore a full dress. The other women wore skimpy bikinis. One young girl was sunbathing naked. She was probably only nineteen.

One of the guys was black and he started playing a flute. It was a fun and playful melody.

She had freckles and she was slightly plump.

She was really sexy.

one of them is important enough to rate a comma:

“I am Tina,” she said in a thick accent. He didn’t know what accent it was, but it was sexy.

fair enough. not at all lazy writing there. did you see he actually used TWO commas? that must have been exhausting.

so – now we are all set on character and backstory and motivation. after this, there is a lot of sex. a lot of really strangely-written sex. it seems to be written by either a teenage virgin who thinks he knows what sex is like, or something run through google translator from one of the languages of asia:

His erection pushed against her belly and he rubbed it there.

Down in the seats everybody else was sitting and making out. They were all touching and kissing and watching Josh and the girls.

She moaned as Josh fumbled it inside her a little bit.

and my favorite:

Shaking with joy, he grabbed her ass and kissed and kissed her vagina. He kissed it deep like it was her lips.

although this one is also pretty amazing. it is like inventory sex:

He licked her pussy, licked her belly, then sucked on her nipple. Finally her (sic) started kissing her mouth and rubbing his huge red dick against her wonderful nineteen-year-old pussy. They were grinding. She wrapped her legs around him and he was shaking. He put her down on the ground and spread her legs. He didn’t start out slow. He started out strong and deep and hard and made her cry out in joy, pushing deep while looking in her drugged-out eyes. He put one hand on the ground and one hand on her tit, and started fucking like crazy

incroyable. bear in mind that he is still just assuming this girl is nineteen, even though he keeps stating it as fact throughout. but, bareback stranger orgy participants are not the sort to concern themselves with the possibility of “to catch a predator” repercussions.

and this is just such a messy orgy.

Josh could feel her splashing against his dick and legs.

Finally his orgasm was finished, and there was cum everywhere.

but there is time, even amidst all the pounding, for a little sentimentality:

“You’re so hot!” Josh mumbled as he pounded Tina. His eyes rolled back in his head. “Oh God I think I love you.”

josh is a fan of mumbling:

“Both of you suck me off,” Josh mumbled.

“I need your pussy again,” he mumbled, and pulled Tina to her feet.

nothing hotter than a mumble. but poor josh – he gets so confused during all of the lovemaking…

“Oh my God I don’t know what to do!” Josh was just pounding and squeezing in a frenzy.

some fun facts for you:

here are some hilarious malapropisms/misspellings:

“writing in satisfaction”

“…one of the women licked his ear and rubbed slowly on hick cock.”

“Her hips jolted smoothly left and right as she swung her armed.”

tip: nothing has ever, in the history of the world, “jolted smoothly”, much less a woman’s hips.

number of times an earthquake is used to describe sexual activity: 2

best of which is:

She came in a gushing earthquake, thrusting awkwardly and powerfully against his bucking fucking body. She put her hands on his chest as pussy juice splashed and squirted against him

points lost for gross liquid-imagery and the idea that earthquakes “gush.”

number of times a hurricane is used to describe sexual activity: 1

number of times the phrase “nipples like the mountain-peaks of pure joy” is used: 1

best euphemism for female parts: tenderized wetness

number of times happiness is attributed to body parts, thus reinforcing my google translator theory: 3

1)”happy tip”
2)”wet slick happiness”
3)”happy flesh”

number of times god is invoked: 5

most notably:

“This is why God created life!” Josh cried. He licked his lips and pulled his cock out of Tina.

this is most assuredly not why god created life, you weirdo petri dish.

this sentence manages to combine two of the earlier fun facts in one sentence!

There was pussy and cock and tits and mouths and everywhere writing happy flesh.

and i mean, i hate to ruin the ending of a book, but it’s too good. so, pirates board the sex yacht in the middle of all this, as they do, and they gather up all the happy, sweaty, sticky people. who once again demonstrate no fear over their situation

When they were all in the dank prison cell together, the prisoners started having an orgy.

insatiable.

sequel??

read my reviews on goodreads

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