this book is definitely more bizarro than erotica, so if you are looking for a sexxy romance story between a human and a starbucks secular coffee cup in which the participants are View Spoiler »alive at the end of the book « Hide Spoiler, you may want to try Oppressed In The Butt By My Inclusive Holiday Coffee Cups. i haven’t read his yet, so i don’t know where it falls on the tru luv 4-eva spectrum, but i’m playing the odds that it’s moar sexxier than this one which doesn’t even start being porn until page 30/46 .
in the spirit of the season, i am turning this review space into an advent calendar, and at the crack of dawn each day*, you can gather your (18+) children around you and together ceremoniously uncover a meaningful phrase, a sentence, a paragraph from this fine holiday story to hold in the back of your mind as you go about your day, fulfilling your holiday obligations, and just kinda meditating on the words, letting them resonate within you, reminding you of the true meaning of the holiday spirit and the festive possibilities of two balls one cup.
View Spoiler »She was full of Starbucks pumpkin spice cum. « Hide Spoiler
View Spoiler »The divine coffee cup acted like a slinky with a giant dick. « Hide Spoiler
View Spoiler »“She needs her pussy licked. The only way to feel the Gnostic Enlightenment of Lucifer is through oral pleasure; it is why we gave the children candy canes on Krampmas to prepare them to suck cocks and clits.” « Hide Spoiler
View Spoiler »“God blesses us because your mother and I work hard, and it’s important that we enjoy the same things as the WOPS, Kikes, and the WASPS. We are winners like them, and the winners drink Starbucks coffee, while the niggers and SPICS drink their sugar water with that fat red guy running around. What is that drink called?”
“Yeah, Kool-Aid that is it.” « Hide Spoiler
View Spoiler »The dick acted like a bridge going from her mouth to the cup about to enter the pussy. The sex term was known as the London Broiled Bridge, but he also looked like ancient symbol the gnostic worshippers drew of Krampas the cock god. « Hide Spoiler
View Spoiler »“I love Christ and I am disappointed in Starbucks, but I need my Latte or else I will hurt my Jewish in-laws who have a Zionist plot against my peace of mind.” « Hide Spoiler
View Spoiler »“Yes,” the divine cup screamed, “My soul will enter your womb, and your cuckolded husband will have my father’s grandson. You will lose your soul, and I will rule your body until my son is born!” « Hide Spoiler
View Spoiler »When she researched the Starbucks company, she learned that it was Jewish and secular just like her Asian Anal Sex loving excuse for a husband. « Hide Spoiler
View Spoiler »“The coca beans were thrown down to the fiery place because the angels couldn’t be trusted to handle coffee.” « Hide Spoiler
View Spoiler »“My servant, take that impressive Jew cock of yours and prepare for her Krampus cock and coffee.” « Hide Spoiler
View Spoiler »“Jesus himself always had a bad Christmas.” « Hide Spoiler
View Spoiler »“I love coffee like you do Daddy. I love it as much as Christmas.” « Hide Spoiler
View Spoiler »“Yogurt was one of the foods the Illuminati ate. To think and reach Gnostic alignment they needed good bowel movements, the probiotics helped keep their rectums and souls in the flow of Gnostic Enlightenment.” « Hide Spoiler
View Spoiler »The young Macauley Culkin character smiled, petted the spider, and said, “You’ve been naughty Teresa, you’re drinking wine instead of coffee, in a cup that doesn’t have Christ on it. Yahweh’s son will be mad, and me, Krampus, is very mad too.” « Hide Spoiler
View Spoiler »“If you love Christ and your soul, you won’t touch that cup. That mermaid on that cover…she is the fish goddess of hell. She controls the Styx. The Little Mermaid and Starbucks are part of the Zionist plot, to reject Christ and give birth to the anti-Christ. Starbucks is part of the Illuminati agenda to destroy all Christians.” « Hide Spoiler
View Spoiler »“Oh Jesus, that feels so good,” Teresa declared.
“It’s Krampus! And you haven’t experienced anything yet. Casey come here and worship your god. Let’s fuck the Christmas spirit out of her.” « Hide Spoiler
View Spoiler »“BLLLOOOOOOWWW,” Teresa screamed with the massive cock going further down her throat but it was too late. « Hide Spoiler
View Spoiler »Coffee was the drink of the Luciferian Gnostics for it gave them focus and knowledge, but Jesus gave everyone wine, making them feel emotion instead of logic and gnostic truth. « Hide Spoiler
View Spoiler »“NO, YOU MUST PAY WITH YOUR BALLS!” « Hide Spoiler
View Spoiler »“No this can’t be.” “Christ said the same thing while dying on his cross. I offered him my favorite drink, pumpkin spice latte made with the best breast milk of the most beautiful virgins of Israel**, but he wouldn’t drink one drop. He shunned flesh and never experienced a nice pair of tits in his face; I believe the modern word call that motorboarding. I don’t know where that comes from, but I know I love sucking out human milk through the nipple.” « Hide Spoiler
View Spoiler »It was past midnight in Israel and Krampus was fucking all who ingested the Starbucks from the red Happy Holidays cup. Krampus could be everywhere. This was how he delivered his presents of anal sex and violence on Krampmas, but he always chose one special person to have vaginal sex with and that person this Krampmas was Teresa. « Hide Spoiler
View Spoiler »The coffee company knew it had to take over the world to bring their Gods back into the world. The word ‘star’ was a celebration and reminder of their God, the Morning Star that was mentioned Isaiah 14 and punished by the adversary Yaweh. ‘Bucks’ an old term for money was still used today. « Hide Spoiler
View Spoiler »“Oh yes, nothing better than Catholic breasts. They ached to be sucked.” « Hide Spoiler
View Spoiler »He said he would stop their black magick of using pumpkin spice and coffee to make Roman and other gentile women run wild with lust. That pumpkin spice would eventually be for those of calm heart, not for the harlots who worshipped at the altar of Lucifer and Krampus, but instead those who accepted Christ in their hearts and realized his death conquered the sins of Krampus. « Hide Spoiler
View Spoiler »Christ and Christmas were superficial and didn’t reflect the truth of life, but Krampus, the Coffee cup god of sex and violence had showed her the harsh but beautiful truth of life. « Hide Spoiler
* or open them all at once – it’s your fucking advent calendar.
** wait, how are virgins producing breast milk? and while we’re in editor-mode, why are these “secular jews” requiring a kosher meal? which i am just realizing now makes no sense to those of you who haven’t read this since i haven’t actually used that part in the calendar – spoiler alert – but are all my jewish friends doing it wrong? isn’t jewish christmas why chinese restaurants were invented? why can’t you just put the ham in the fridge for, say, tuesday instead of throwing it away? why didn’t teresa take her husband’s name? am i asking the wrong questions here?