monsterporn and offbeat erotica


Forever KissForever Kiss by Christy Lynn
0 Stars

first things first:

dear goodreaders:

it has come to my attention that there are over one million books being offered on nook for free. FOR FREE! ONE MILLION!

and keeping in mind the success of self-published/fanfic masterpieces like Fifty Shades of Grey, Angelfall, and Wool Omnibus, i have taken it upon myself to find the Next Big Thing amongst these titles.

therefore, i will be reading as many of these as i can, to uncover the hidden gems, and passing along my findings to you. yes, you!!

will they all be awesome?
am i going to pick most of them just because their covers or titles make me laugh?
very likely, indeed.

this is the seventh book in the project.

i am learning to be careful in my old age. in applying myself to this free nook book project, i forgot to take into consideration that these free books are put out there by people with a passion for writing who are exploring alternative means of publication for a variety of reasons. some of them are arrogant as hell, and you can tell who they are. and some are just nice people, without the benefit of editors who have probably shown their close friends their book and received good friend advice, but not great professional advice. and, obviously, i knew all that, but i forgot how people who write these things might could get notified when some snarky stranger on the internet has a laugh over their book. and between the way-nicer-than-i-deserved good sport PM i got from the author of Never Trust a Goat, and the sweet author’s note at the end of this book: Thank you for taking the time to read my book. Please take a moment to leave a comment at the site from which you downloaded. This book is free; feedback is the only payment I require. imma try to rein it in a little. but this one would have benefitted from a professional editor. i’m not sure if this is an ESL situation, or just an enthusiasm to get the book out there without doing the revision-process too strictly.and again, this is a free vampire-erotica book. and you can’t really hold free vampire-erotica books to the same standards of glory as you would a more traditional book. as far as content, at least it is original. this is not a typical vampire “i vant to suck your blood” situation. being erotica, he has other thirsts. first of all, he only likes big girls, which is refreshing, for those of us who have been…blossoming…lately. but it does tread that fine line between stalking and romance and the main character-lady even points this out several times, like – why am i allowing this dude who has been following me around for weeks to take me out to dinner and why am i so rude that i order food before he even gets there and start nomming while he is just staring at me and why do i not even giggle when he asks me to show him my studio and my artwork when this is the weirdest dinner i have ever had, experiencing an orgasm at the table when he hasn’t even touched me?

note to erotica fans – there is no actual intercourse in this book, just a weird “i’m not touching you, but you are feeling phantom fingers all over your sensitive bits” situation.

i dunno – i was going to type out all the writing-bits that made me giggle, but i suddenly lost the giggle-impulse. it’s a weird little book about a vampire who can drink blood, but can also subsist on “energy,” or, erm, vaginal fluids. and who states that he does not need to breathe, because he is a vampire and all, but as he later achieves erection, which i am pretty sure requires oxygen, he may be one of these medical marvels all those teevee shows are always talking about.

it’s a sex book with vampires that sorta charms me but also makes my good breeding barriers go up, which i hope is only temporary. and that cover…. no! we are folding our hands now and smiling politely while the child plays piano for assembled company. but later, in private, we will rub salve on the half-moon indentations on our palms…

read my reviews on goodreads

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this feels gauche, but when i announced i was starting a blog, everyone assured me this is a thing that is done. i’m not on facebook, i’ve never had a cellphone or listened to a podcast; so many common experiences of modern life are foreign to me, but i’m certainly struggling financially, so if this is how the world works now, i’d be foolish to pass it up. any support will be received with equal parts gratitude and bewilderment.

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