monsterporn and offbeat erotica


Can ChocolateCan Chocolate by Magenta Morgan
0 Stars

it’s baaack!!

dear goodreaders:

it has come to my attention that there are over one million books being offered on nook for free. FOR FREE! ONE MILLION!!

and keeping in mind the success of self-published/fanfic masterpieces like Fifty Shades of Grey, Angelfall, and Wool, i have taken it upon myself to find the Next Big Thing amongst these titles.

therefore, i will be reading as many of these as i can, to uncover the hidden gems, and passing along my findings to you. yes, you!!

will they all be awesome?
am i going to pick most of them just because their covers or titles make me laugh?
very likely, indeed.

this is the tenth book in the project.

so, okay, this one is my own damn fault. i selected this book from the available nook freebies because i thought it was going to be pooporn. because you can’t call a book “can chocolate” and not expect people to make that logical leap. and i thought it would give me scat-giggles and i could add one more dirrrrty feather to my cap. but no. this was not pooporn at all.

it was really gross.

now, you might say, “but karen, wouldn’t pooporn have been gross?”

well, yes, obviously, but poo is so far removed from my own voluntary sexual experiences that i could have approached it clinically, the way i do with all the monsterporn, and not have it color my own experiences. but this was just regular-people sex, not offbeat kink, and it reminded me just how gross sex can be when you’re not all shrouded in the endorphins that make it nice and not just a horrorshow of limbs and fluids and twitching.

erotica has never turned me on, but this one actually managed to turn me off.

here are some of the descriptive passages that made me a little pukey. i will put them in spoiler tags FOR TEH CHILDREN!! don’t click unless you are 18!! or ever want to have sex again.

stage setting: this is told from the POV of a woman who has fallen asleep nude on the beach, woken up to a couple playing the grown-up game, and joined in.

View Spoiler »

and so now that that’s all over, i want to point out a few more things, mostly about personal health and safety.

ladies. falling asleep nude on a beach is never a good idea. waking up to two people going at it near you is awkward, and i know you think that joining in will make them less embarrassed, but it is not the best way to avoid venereal disease, especially when you guys are going to do that much fluid-play. (those of you 18+ clickers will understand just what i mean). and especially if you insist on going backdoor to mouth for completion and then sharing mouth-treasures with your new friend who is still a stranger, despite being all nude. and while we’re at it, i really feel that backdoor should be a period to your evening. sticking it other places after that is just asking for troubles.

one more adult spoiler moment, while we talk about the relativity of size.

View Spoiler »

and finally, two last observations.

Slowly he moved them in and out then speeded up, hammering them in and out like a machine gun.

not how guns work.


I quickly got a different tee shirt and hopped into a pair of knickers so he wouldn’t think I was a complete tramp.

this is, of course, after the threeway on the beach before names were even exchanged, with plenty of people watching. if people are gonna slut-shame you, it’s probably more cuz of that than the lack of knickers.

philosophical question:

View Spoiler »

read my reviews on goodreads

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this feels gauche, but when i announced i was starting a blog, everyone assured me this is a thing that is done. i’m not on facebook, i’ve never had a cellphone or listened to a podcast; so many common experiences of modern life are foreign to me, but i’m certainly struggling financially, so if this is how the world works now, i’d be foolish to pass it up. any support will be received with equal parts gratitude and bewilderment.

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