Bad Dogs by Virginia Woof
My rating: 3/5 cats
this book is on the bottom of the totem pole of humorous animal books with content recycled from royalty-free internet sources; shutterstock, istock, getty images, etc..
the pictures themselves are great – who doesn’t like adorable doggies? but i much prefer something like Dog Shaming, where ordinary humans have submitted pictures of their pets being naughty in a naturalistic way instead of something like this, that is more professionally photographed, but often just feels staged and soulless.
one does not just happen upon this scene with camera conveniently in hand. unless one lives in a pixar film:
and if you can tear your eyes away from the boobies, you will note that there are no doggie footprints leading from the bikini-babe to the “guilty” dog. i cry foul!
there’s more artistry and hi-def resolution here, but it loses all charm and spontaneity, and it features generic, phoning-it-in captions.
it also lacks a commitment to its theme. many of these dogs are not being bad at all! here’s my mathematical breakdown; of the 108 photos, i have determined the following:
dogs being “bad”: 30
dogs either not being particularly bad, or just doing stuff a dog does: 51
dogs clearly staged to look as though they are being bad: 24
unclear: 3
criteria for assessment: dog making a mess in the house – bad. dog getting dirty outside – just being a dog. destroying property – bad. sniffing another dog’s butt – just being a dog. dressed as a gangster with a cigarette in its mouth – staged.
some of the “bad” ones are also likely staged, but math is not an exact science.
in fact, here – just in case you mistrust my judgments, i will break it down for you all granular-like because i prioritize my time poorly. i may have changed my verdict on a few of these between the time i first counted to this more detailed itemization, but i’m not nitpicky enough to go back and make sure the numbers match up. this is why it’s good i’m not in charge of building bridges or anything.
ready steady GO:
1) dog “holding” empty bottle of johnny walker black – staged
2) dog sitting in washing machine with head poking out – unclear (likely staged)
3) mud-covered dog outside in field – not bad
4) dog in dishwasher – bad
5) dog stealing petits fours from plate – bad
6) dog peeing on casual gentleman’s leg – staged.
7) dog chewing on leather wallet – bad
8) dog face-planted in another dog’s butt – not bad
9) dog sitting on cat – not bad
10) dog just … standing there. maybe in a birdbath?? maybe a miniature koi pond?? not bad.
11) dog lying around tree – not bad
12) dogs licking glass – not bad. weird, but not bad.
13) dog eating shoe – bad
14) dog posed atop a pile of chewed shoes. bad, but likely staged.
15) dog sitting on grill. i think i said bad for this one
16) dog with half a squirrel – not bad
17) muddy dog outside – not bad
18) dog standing on a horse’s back – not bad
19) dog stealing sammich – bad
20) dog posed with its owners finger in front of its face, upon which a hipster mustache has been inked. dog = not bad. owner = stupid.
21) bikini picture (see above) – staged
22) dog chasing goose – not bad
23) dog playing with basketball – not bad
24) dog putting its butt on some giant kind of ball – not bad
25) dogs playing enthusiastically, teeth bared – not bad
26) dog jumping in the air by the ocean – not bad
27) dog covered in ripped up couch stuffing – bad
28) dog on couch covered in feathers from split pillow – bad
29) dog drinking from toilet – bad
30) dogs playing with whiskey measure thingy – i think i said unclear. likely staged – feels like an advertisement
31) cute dog eating yarn like spaghetti. not bad?
32) dog with chewed shoe – bad
33) dog behind cannon with some sort of woodeny thing in its mouth – staged
34) dog stealing hot dog – bad
35) dog standing next to chewed up copy of “how to live with a neurotic dog” – staged
36) dog in mailbox – not bad
37) dog with chewed-up newspaper – bad
38) dog on bed covered in feathers – bad
39) dog with chewed-up credit card – bad
40) dog with chewed-up money – bad
41) dog running away from bull – not bad
42) not really sure what’s going on here – you tell me what it is, i’ll tell you if it’s bad:
43) giant dog on couch – not bad
44) dog on its back, showing off its tummy (and goods) – not bad
45) dog sniffing at grocery store circular next to a shopping list that reads “dog treats, rawhide bones, cheeseburgers” – staged
46) dog surrounded by spilled kibble – bad
47) dog lolling in a hole (or an open grave) clutching a flower. not bad
48) dog getting into potted plant and making a dirt mess – bad
49) dog with chewed, headless barbie – bad (also a possible hate crime, since it’s a black barbie. although the dog is black, too)
50) dog and cat playing – not bad
51) dog sitting in mud puddle – not bad
52) frothy dog emerging from pool – not bad
53) dog stealing pie 1 – bad
54) dog stealing pie 2 – bad
55) dog wedged onto bookshelf – not bad
56) dog in toilet – bad
57) wet dog on raft – not bad
58) three dogs in washing machine – not bad, prolly staged
59) dogs in empty cupboards – staged
60) dogs with overturned trash can – bad
61) dog jumping over fence – not bad
62) dog pooping on grass – not bad
63) dog with open, drooly mouth – not bad
64) dog with flower stem (?) protruding from mouth – not bad (?)
65) dog in pot (see above) – staged
66) wet dog looking angry about being wet, apparently after a skunk encounter – not bad
67) dog sniffing another dog’s butt – not bad
68) tiny dog leg-humping giant dog – not bad
69) dog sitting on toilet – not bad – prolly staged
70) dog with much scattered toilet paper – bad
71) dog dressed as a different breed of dog (pug) next to actual pug – not bad
72) dog pooping on grass 2 – still not bad
73) sleeping dog in tuxedo beside overturned champagne flute – staged
74) dog amid general clutter and disarray – bad
75) dogs in fridge (see above) – staged
76) single dog in fridge – staged
77) muddy dog on bed – bad
78) muddy dog outside – not bad
79) dog wearing tie beside glass of booze with a cigarette – staged
80) dog with beer bottle – staged
81) two dogs examining laptop – unclear
82) dog … sitting. not bad
83) dog with pacifier – staged
84) dog with sunglasses perched upon car window – staged
85) dog dressed in st. patrick’s day outfit lapping a guinness – staged. also racist.
86) dog dressed as seventies britpunk – staged. and offensive.
87) muddy dog outside – not bad
88) dog frolicking in garden hose – not bad
89) dog singing with dog pal – not bad
90) dog and cat playing – not bad
91) dog tearing into treat box – bad
92) dog eating cake – bad
93) dog amid chewed up homework – bad
94) dog with chewed up magazine – bad
95) dogs playing with dog toy – not bad
96) dog holding leash of smaller dog in mouth – not bad/staged
97) dog wearing seaweed on head to resemble dreads – not bad
98) tiny dog in office chair amid much destruction, some of which i do not think a dog so tiny could have done. verdict – staged
99) dog near paint tray, covered in paint. bad, although likely staged, due to the lack of anything else in the photo/editorial framing
100) dog jumping on bed – not bad
101) dog eating cake batter (?) – bad
102) dog with mess of colorful feathers strewn about – bad
103) dog with chewed-up wedding dress – bad
104) dog licking the straw of a tim horton’s latte – bad?
105) dog in teacup – staged
106) dog chewing slipper – bad
107) dog with knocked-over christmas tree holding stocking in its mouth – bad, likely staged
108) dog dressed as santa sleeping with champagne bottle – staged
and there you have it, i have spent a lot of time “reviewing” a book that in no way deserved this much time being devoted to it.
i make excellent decisions.
it gets three stars cats instead of two because the pictures are adorable, but it is not a necessary book in the slightest.
