Garden Gnome Gangbang by Fannie Tucker
gnomes are dirrrrrty!!!
i don’t know if i should even bother reviewing this when sammy has already done such an excellent job. (and grabbed all the pictures already!!)
but more reviews of these books = more exposure to my dirty not-so-secret world = one of you is bound to start getting curious and take the plunge and become one of us. in this case, a
so, jenny buys three garden gnomes for her garden. her backyard garden, WHICH IS NOT A EUPHEMISM! it is just a garden, you pervos.
She had made the small plot behind her house her private sanctuary, a peaceful place for privacy and relaxation. If she wanted to accent the flowers and well-kept hedges with a few whimsical lawn ornaments, it was nobody’s business but her own.
and if she wants to have intercourse with all three of them when they come to life after watching her masturbate to a dirty book while curled up on her lawn chair, that too is no one’s business but her own. and the business of anyone willing to shell out $2.99 to read garden gnome porn. and anyone reading this review.
garden gnomes.
tiny hands.
tiny feet.
giant gnomehood
giant hats.
i never thought i would be reading an erotic story in which the hat of a garden gnome was used to administer sexual pleasure through rapid insertion and thrusting. this awe must be what people felt watching the moon landing on tv. except that this is real. yeah, i said it.
this is my favorite sentence in the book, as it sums up monsterotica perfectly:
As the gnome fucked her and she pleasured his friends, she tried not to think about how ludicrous the situation had become – having sex with three lawn ornaments come to life. It felt good, and that was enough.
these stories are hilarious poor-taste fun, and i am so unashamed for the laughter i get from them. besides, you people like glee – drop your stones.
more facts!
gnomes get really excited during sexual play. after giving jenny her first orgasm:
The gnomes cheered in unison – a high, merry sound of accomplishment, as though they’d just built something wonderful.
it’s like jr. high all over again, right?
other things i learned:
gnomes call oral sex a “lickey-loo.”
and are delicious in their secret places. He tasted like gourmet mushrooms, and he had a sweet, earthy smell that reminded her of planting new flowers in the spring
and a final lesson:
when gnomes come, and the sexual romp comes to a close, they sing a little song:
Loopwyn, Bimpo, my gnome friends,
She sounds pleased, and so our pleasure ends!
Living in the garden, sing and hum!
Drench this lady with our gnomish come!”
and then
and i am not making this up: rainbows. they come rainbows. they come liquid rainbows. they come liquid rainbows that taste like candy. they come liquid rainbows that taste like candy and fizz on the tongue. they come liquid rainbows that taste like candy and fizz on the tongue and wiggle down the throat.
like that. but lower
and you wonder why i read this stuff?? for shit like that – the end.
watch out, duck!! you are in for a surprise!
