The Trillionaire Tater Tots Caused Me Gay by Dougliette Juliette
Though the thought of making sexy time with the boy tots is very gross to me, I know I cannot turn down such incredible offer. “Okays,” I says. I looks down at the kitchenette floor in deep, deep shame as I make announcement. “I . . . I . . . I fucks the tots.”
The tots, they all cheers, “Hurrah!”
watch your back, tingle!! there’s a new kid in town.
this is another one of those bizarro-erotica stories that is heavier on the bizarro than the erotica. in fact, if i heard that anyone actually used this in a one-handed reading capacity, i would be deeply disturbed. with most of the monsterporn, i can understand objectively why some people find it sexxy, even if i myself do not, but this – it takes a special kind of person to get off on tater tots.
and vladislav yevtushenko-zhernakovshmirnovo is that special person (and can i just take a minute to thank the lord for copy and paste? bow your heads!)
round-tummied vladislav yevtushenko-zhernakovshmirnovo has only been in the united states for a few months, hailing from an eastern european land of frozen tundra and packs of wolves and criminals and fascist government that keeps all the food and last remaining sexy ladies for themselves. he is gainfully employed in a slaughterhouse and is learning the english from books. he has come to this country for ladies and riches, but is not finding much of either.
the sexy American ladies, they all laughs at me when I try to talk to them on street and at the disco dances. Sometimes they even say mean words to me. They says things like “Fucks you, dudes!” and “Fucks offs!” and “Go kills yourselves, fatsos!”
unfortunately, along with ladies and wealth, he also loves tater tots. which ordinarily wouldn’t be a problem, but now that the tater tots have become sentient and incredibly wealthy, it’s illegal to eat them. oh, you don’t know about this?? well, it happened, and you should be aware of it, because if you eat a tater tot now, you will totally go to jail. they are powerful. and all male. and gay. but only for human men. how do you not know this?? get a newspaper, jeeeez.
so vladislav yevtushenko-zhernakovshmirnovo is finding it hard to get ANY satisfaction in his new home. if only, if only….
Yes, if I could eat my favorite comfort food—the tots of the potato with the ketchup—then when I comes home every night from my miserable, shit-splattered, blood-soaked, 14-hour workday at the slaughterhouse, then maybes I would not be so sad and lonely and want to kill self.
but he has a master plan. since he can’t buy and consume tater tots, he will have to make his own! genius!
but that statement is completely backwards – the tater tots are not so easily fooled, and there will be reprisals. you know, from the tater tot protection agency. which is comprised of tater tots with attitude. and they get all up in vladislav yevtushenko-zhernakovshmirnovo’s fat face, causing him much distress.
“Oh, no’s!” I says, crawling up to my knees. I cries like little baby. I was—how you say in America . . . crying like the little basic bitches?
but they are willing to offer him a deal and leniency if he is willing to become the tots’ lover. fat balki misunderstands
“Lover? How you mean? I do love tots. Tots have always been my favorite foods!”
yeah, because that’s what they want.
and after much hemming and hawing and many homophobic comments, eventually vladislav yevtushenko-zhernakovshmirnovo caves in the face of a handsome bribe. by a handsome tot.
LET THE TATERFUCKING BEGIN!!!
sex with tater tots is… weird. i know that’s unexpected and possibly racist, but it IS! i don’t want to spoil what tot-erections are like, or which household condiment makes for good lube, or what happens when a tater tot “ejacuvates,” but i will say that tater tots are not into cuddling, and they are no one’s bottom.
and, as promised, one is indeed juggalo. and his name is faygo freddy. whoop, whoop!
and that’s when shit really starts to get weird.
what’s great is that i am finally getting around to watching oz, and the big climactic (heh) scene in this is completely relevant to something that happens in episode one of season two. you know, the one called “the tip.”
View Spoiler »
and in other tales of synchronicity, i recently learned that this restaurant exists:
potatopia and the island-city where the tater tots have gathered and prospered in this story real life is tateropolis. so it’s more or less the same.
so, please, read this story to learn about all the stuff i left out. and when you do read the last line, you will discover the extent of my persuasive powers used for eeeeeeevil.
happy readings!! muah hahaaaaaaaa
