is that an alien in your tummy or are you just happy to see me??
this book is like if arthur c. clarke* wrote monsterporn.
i never got the chance to read Debbie Does Monsterland since it is one of those jerkbooks that is kindle-only, so i was grateful-but-apprehensive when someone gifted me a copy of this, the second volume in the F*ck All Monsters trilogy. what if i couldn’t follow the plot without the foundation laid (heh) in the first volume? what if there was relevant backstory or foreshadowing that a reader needed to be familiar with in order to enjoy this story? i was only half-serious, because monsterporn, but darn it if this piece of erotica didn’t transcend the genre and raise the bar of what monsterotica can grow up to be. there actually IS plot and character and reasoning. she even spells the word “taut” correctly. i needn’t have worried about being confused – through surprisingly graceful expository flashbacks and memories we get enough backstory to be comfortable situated in the story, so we can just focus on all the orgies without interrupting with too many questions.
before we get to the details (and i PROMISE you there will be MANY FILTHY DETAILS and SO MANY PICTURES) i want to take a second to do a sorta blanket commentary on the strengths of this book and what sets it apart from the crowd. for monsterporn, this is very long, clocking in at 66 pages. also unusual for monsterporn is the author’s attention to detail, coherent storyline, and ability to surprise. this is a truly literary version of monsterporn, sure to sweep the monsterporn awards ceremonies whenever they finally decide to make that a real thing. could “emma steele” be a pseudonym for orson scott card??”**
not only does the story feature intercourse between a woman and a million different species of aliens, pansexual debbie also intercourses human men and women, black and white, old and young, hot and not, in a ballet of physical and sexual flexibility.
and it’s funny! it’s metaporn – satirical, self-referential, with gentle pokes (and some deep thrusts) directed at the sci-fi and erotica genres both.
but it’s also very sad. very emotional. sometimes sex gets outta hand, and not all of the human or creature lovers are gonna live through these 60 pages.
bottom (heh) line – it is genuinely enjoyable, which is not something i can say for a lot of monsterporn.
okay, let’s get to the part you all came (heh) here for.
so, this story is about nancy “debbie” archer who is, at fifty feet tall, the “giantest person on earth.” you may know her from this movie poster:
this takes place immediately after the events from Debbie Does Monsterland, in which debbie gets horny, breaks out of her imprisonment in a medical research facility and heads straight for monster island to fuck all its resident monsters, culminating in best sex ever – godzilla. patriarchal america gets mad at this liberated sexual congress and a nuclear warhead blows debbie apart into stardust while she’s in the middle of boning that lizard. rude.
The billowing tower lifted her up, up, through the highest reaches of the atmosphere – and into outer space – her atoms streaming out like radiation… like a ribbon of etheric jizz, whipping through the emptiness to splatter the distant moon: a cosmic cum shot, with Stardust Debbie as the semen – Debbie as atomic splooge, creaming the face of the moon.. pooling into an empty lunar sea…
i mean, already that’s far more ambitious than any monsterporn i’ve read, and it goes on to really make science sexy. you know, for the schoolkids: ***
It’s small, this wormhole: about the size of a human vagina – a normal human vagina, not a giant one like Debbie’s had been. Set into the ground like the mouth of a burrow, the wormhole shimmers and hums, wet with mystery – again, like a vagina. At one point an American flag stood here; it was the planting of the flag, in fact, which opened the wormhole in the first place – the pole’s downward stab not only piercing the lunar surface, but poking a hole into space-time itself … a hole which later grew, sucking the Stars and Stripes down into it, until it was about the size, I repeat, of a vagina – at which point it stabilized, in balance with the rock around it. Now here it waits, unknown to man: a hungry throat leading off to exotic dimensions.
Just like a vagina.
metaphysical and cosmological erotica ensues, and then suddenly debbie finds herself, atomically reconstituted, aboard a spaceship called The Pastrami, humansized, confused, horny, and in the company of both harry dean stanton
and tom skerritt,
which is all well and good, but debbie is really dismayed by being so small.
Debbie looks at herself. One-tenth the woman she used to be. One-tenth the surface area; one-tenth the nerve endings. She looks at her clit, commonplace now, remembering how it had been: the clit of a giantess, as large as a man’s hand… packed so full of nerves it might as well have been a brain – a brain built solely to dream of flesh on flesh, wet, hard, tight … its dreams realer than most realities…
But now, her clit – so tiny – it’s like a raisin, its former glory shriveled.
debbie’s not giving up, though! she’s gotta test-drive this new body, this new clit, and so she totally fucks tom skerritt and harry dean stanton. while stuck all over with acupuncture needles. it’s as hot and bloody as a T-bone. (heh)
and even though she is used to more magnificent genitals, debbie is a glass half-full kinda girl
Debbie’s breath catches as she sees their cocks flip out and up, slimy pre-cum already shining on the tips. For an instant she thinks of the last cock she had: Godzilla’s. A cock she had lusted for, had fought off tanks and infantry for, swam an ocean for. A Holy Grail of a cock. She feels a twinge of sadness now, faced with these two human dicks. But it’s time to move in, she reminds herself – to quest for Grails afresh – and she knows that, just as there’s something of the giantess in her, there’s something of the King of the Monsters in these men. Something of the lizard in them. She can see it in the way their eyes bore into her, an ancient hunger burning in them like cold fire. Their cocks throbbing with delirious blood. Watching a vein pulse on Tom’s shaft, Debbie feels her stomach flutter with excitement. These cocks – these commonplace cocks – they’re colossal in their souls.
after that fluid-heavy encounter with tom’s dick and harry, debbie learns is that it is 1987 and she meets (and has sex with) the other members of the crew (you may have seen this coming but pretend to be surprised):
and sigourney weaver
it is a VERY sexxy ship, unencumbered by pesky sexual harassment lawsuits and full of mutual desire and easy-to-unzip coveralls. yaphet kotto and debbie are like butterflies performing a springtime mating dance:
Then, to dismiss Debbie, he slaps her on the ass, saying, “Welcome aboard, baby.”
Debbie grabs the crotch of his coveralls, squeezes. “I already love it here.”
but that’s enough sex for five minutes – let’s learn more about The Pastrami and its mission. by which i mean the ship. debbie is given a tour of the ship, including belowdecks. by which i mean the cargo hold. but also of john hurt’s genitals.
first, he shows her the ship’s many cages
“This is our cargo,” John Hurt says. “We collect aliens – in particular, aliens from popular culture: film, television, comic books.” these creatures are put into zoos and admired by all.
and just FYI, hurt goes on to assure any entertainment lawyers who may be in the house
“Most of these are copyright 20th Century Fox and/or Time Warner and/or Universal Studios, and are presented here for informational and/or entertainment purposes only.
later, we are reminded by our om. narr. that these aliens are:
All copyrighted, mind you, by their respective parties, and used here without permission for philosophical purposes only)
so don’t even sweat the copyright violations as these iconic aliens get an eyeful of debbie fucking john hurt. and we learn that it’s not just E.T.’s finger that glows, but also his member and also what comes out of his member. and it all just makes debbie very wistful, despite the pages and pages of human sex she has been getting.
Still on the floor, the stumpy alien jacks off as it watches Captain Hurt spray Debbie with semen. When the alien cums, what shoots out is glowing red. Like magma.
Feeling the lukewarm spittle of human semen ooze down her chest, Debbie imagines it’s magma.
she’s been on the ship for some time, enjoying the sex, but also frustrated – never as satisfied as she had been after godzilla, and with so many questions about her transition and what it all means. fortunately, there’s a psychiatrist onboard. and she’s really good at her job.
Sigourney Weaver starts the balls clacking in a Newton’s cradle on her desk. “Debbie, you’ve still never told me how you became a giant in the first place. It could shed some light on your problem.”
“It’s – difficult – for me … to talk about.”
“I could hypnotize you. Would you like me to hypnotize you?”
She thinks about it. “Sure.”
Sigourney Weaver hypnotizes her.
“Okay, Debbie, you’re hypnotized. Now tell me what the fuck happened.”
Hypnotized, Debbie says, “What the fuck happened was this,” and she proceeds to tell her entire life story – which was way more than Sigourney Weaver wanted, but she sits and listens to it anyway, nodding off only occasionally.
You have to be careful what you ask for, with hypnosis
and after that impressive display of doctoring, sigourney weaver drops some science-hypotheses about why debbie is only just regular-sized now, and it actually makes sense. inasmuch as science has ever made sense to anyone.
“I feel like we’ve been in this office an awful long time. None of this is really forwarding the story’s action. Shouldn’t we get out of here already? It’s been too long since there’s been a sex scene.”
and debbie’s right. so she has sex with veronica cartwright. and also sigourney weaver.
then circum(heh)stances … change for debbie. i’m done mapping out the storyline – you need to read this thing for yourselves and all, but i promised some pictures and i’m going to deliver on that promise. all you need to know is that debbie and her genitals make some allies in the cargo hold. and i wish to god i knew how to make those boxy things that the new adult kids do and that mark rants about in his review here because i would make the most epic one ever, kitties be damned! for now, i guess i’ll just add photos in the only shitty way i know how. to that end – here are the nonhuman participants in debbie’s adventures in lovemaking, whether one-on-one romance or straight-up gangbang:
Debbie’s abdomen glows a warm red, the luminous tips of cock and finger shining out through the flesh … like putting a flashlight in your mouth…
ALF, as you know, loves eating pussy. and “I wish you could fuck me, ALF” is a sentence i never thought i would ever read.
who is, apparently, “kind of an asshole.”
jabba the hutt
debbie engages in anal sex with his three-inch cock. and it is pretty much as disgusting as you would think: Jabba the Hutt laughs as his stunted tool spurts a dribble of rotten semen into Debbie’s large intestine
xenomorph has acidic semen and a trick dick
The glans of the penis resembles the alien’s cranium – elongated and smooth. As it swells tighter and tighter, there emerges from within its urethral opening a second penis: a lesser shaft gliding out through the meatus, the nested cocks throbbing as bubbly pre-cum leaks from the tip of the inner dick.
like this, only lower:
The Gorn ejaculates on Debbie’s face, hissing murderously, just like it did in that episode of Star Trek where it was coming after Captain Kirk to kill him.
the following are creatures mentioned in passing as participating, but without alluring excerpts for me to share. but you can still enjoy the mental image of debbie intercoursing with these beloved characters:
marvin the martian
MAC from mac and me****
the great gazoo
the monolith from 2001
i love this book. it’s genuinely funny and violent and bloody and crazy and there’s just wall-to-wall sex and some ingenious solutions to unusual problems. there is also philosophy, physics, and so much cheekiness:
“I thought The Pastrami’s mission was to collect fictional characters in general, not just fictional aliens. What gives? Could I get some exposition on this?”
and true romance:
She begs mentally for it to hurry up; she needs its terrifying penis now
and either your worst fucking nightmare or one bitchin’ tattoo:
Then, at last, the Predator and the Xenomorph close on her. They mount her like two demonic stallions from some incomprehensible hell.
and it all ends on one helluva cliffhanger/promise. it is quite simply the most impressive and surprising book i have ever read in which a woman has sex with the entire cast of a movie from the eighties.
i need part three. and also part one. and probably some other parts.
*name chosen at random from mental list of “generally respected sci-fi novelists i have never read.” so, if arthur c. clarke did, in fact, write monsterporn, swap his name out for a different generally respected sci-fi novelist who never did. OR, if arthur c. clarke was some kind of homophobe or he spree-killed a bunch of hobos or has some other sort of attendant negative connotations unknown to me, feel free to swap his name out for someone who writes good and doesn’t spree-kill. basically, all you need to know is that this is some damn well-written and intentionally funny sci-fi monsterporn.
*** do not use this story to teach science to schoolkids.
**** which – i have never seen this movie, so i need someone to tell me if it is as fucking bonkers as it appears from these pictures. seriously – why why a thousand times why?