Mounted by a Monster: The Tree by Mina Shay
i feel kind of awkward posting this review today – after this goodreads blog post ran, i suddenly got a lot of new people following my reviews. which is nice, and hello and welcome. but now i’m being scrutinized by all these new eyes, and i feel like i’m throwing people into the monsterotica deep end with no context, poor souls.
but since most of the comments on that blog post are about how bad that book was and how “misguided” i am in my opinions (ME!!! MISGUIDED????), i guess it doesn’t much matter.
new eyes – hello! i am karen. sometimes i review monsterporn. because it is hilarious. i tend to have “writing days” where i write a bunch of reviews in one day and then dole them out over the course of the week, so there’s less chance people will get sick of me (ALTHOUGH WHO COULD GET SICK OF ME, RIGHT??? I AM ADOOOORABLE!!) so i wrote this one a while back, and it’s all i have to offer you right now. don’t lose hope in me, as misguided as i am! i promise i will review more sirrius literature at some point, but for now, i hope you enjoy this review about a girl and a tree:
please do not mix this book up with mina shay’s other fine piece of nature-inspired erotica – Mounted by a Monster: God Of Wood. if you are being mounted by the tree, you do NOT want to call out the god of wood’s name. this will lead to all kinds of unpleasantness, and when you are already dealing with a very tricky situation in terms of vaginal (if you’re lucky) splinters, you don’t want to exacerbate the situation.
in this fine tale, we have an unnamed narrator who is on a six-day family camping trip in woods that have a “weird reputation,” with three generations of family but without her new boyfriend.
and she is getting a little horny. this stupid family camping trip was getting in the way of me getting off.
soon: I insisted I needed some time to explore on my own. They all knew I was an introvert and eventually let me go… i’m pretty sure she means “independent” and not “introvert” here, and shay also mentions our heroine “strapping on” her hiking boots. this makes me nervous. usually i can expect semantic precision from mina shay. i hope she’s not unwell.
our narrator, however, seems to be doing quite well. off on her own, all introverted and shit, she leans up against a tree for physical support and starts exploring her body.
My finger went questing for my g-spot. I hadn’t been sure it even existed until my boyfriend found it first. Clever man. I was both mortified and exhilarated at the same time when he discovered it.
not sure why she would be mortified, but this might be more of shay’s vocabulary issues in this story.
she’s unconcerned about being discovered, even by “harmless forest animals” – obviously she has never seen a raccoon attack.
and she’s only a little concerned about the plant life.
I didn’t know what poison ivy looked like, and it was easier for me to just avoid all suspicious plants instead of learning to identify anything dangerous.
spoiler alert – she fails at this, and she’s just innocently diddling herself:
My folds were slick enough for me to slide a finger into my neglected channel
(like ESPN at my house, OHHHHHHHHHH!)
when she is suddenly grabbed by vines affixing themselves to her wrists and ankles that hoist her up until she finds herself suspended five feet in the air, with her shorts shoved down her hips and facing the tree. which has giant green eyes.
maybe now she knows what “mortified” means
and nothing is more curious in nature than a tree, particularly about all this sexual intercourse he’s been hearing so much about, as he confesses:
As a treefolk, I don’t really understand what the fuss is about…It’s about time I learned a bit more about these urges.
he is an apt pupil, immediately figuring out how to open the front clasp of a bra. and then there are leaves fluttering against excited nipples and leafy vines caressing exposed flesh, and supple branches. so many supple branches. in fact, in this 11-page story, the phrase “supple branch” is used eleven times. and the typo “supply branch” is used once.
this kind of uncharacteristically sloppy writing persists, and i am SHOCKED by shay’s errors:
-probing’s
-tree’s didn’t have eyes
-fucking like rabbit’s
-vaguely away of a rustling noise
-I don’t mean to interrupt up
-securing my under my arms
-my dandling legs
-to touch myself in the ways I new worked so well for me
and on her overuse of certain words. along with the “supple branch” situation, she uses the word “root” twenty-two times – including this paragraph:
Now in place, the root nudged along my entrance. The insistent root was looking for my opening. I was grateful that my dripping folds were lubricating at least the tip of the wood shaft below me. The root pushed more firmly up against my body. My slick folds parted for the insistent bulbous tip of the root. The tree creature pushed its root shaft up into me.
come on, shay, mix it up! fortunately, she does use a variety of adjectives to describe the root:
invading root
cock-root
root shaft
large root
thick round root
insistent root
massive root
cock-shaped root
but it’s still a bit disappointing.
and tremors – do they go in or do they go out?? or up and down? how do tremors work even?
–Tremors started to trickle into my body from the direct contact.
–Little tremors of pleasure grew in my core and spluttered out through my body.
–Every thrust of its shaft threw tremors of pleasure up and into my body.
and why don’t you just pick one of these sentences to describe what is happening instead of using both?
Each deep impaling forced pleasure to spread outwards through my limbs. The root roughly fucked up into me over and over again until I could no longer deny the primal pleasure forced into my body.
frankly, i was a little disappointed with this story. this is not the mina shay i have come to love and trust. where’s the quality control? where’s the consistency?? where’s the logic??
because we have this
–I unmistakably moaned into the afternoon air.
–I moaned loudly.
but then, later
I didn’t want to gasp in pleasure in front of the tree creature
why so suddenly shy about gasping when you have moaned lo these many times?
and there are some questionable phrasings
when bark is pushing at her nipples, …I was shocked to realize that I kinda liked it. I liked it a lot.
“kinda” or “a lot” – don’t leave us hanging! but do feel free to read that in a forrest gump voice.
and this:
I opened my eyes thinking to stare down the tree monster as it fondled my breasts. My expected act of defiance was immediately supplanted as I saw the supple branch swing back towards me.
what is defiant about this?? what, what what???
and, it must be noted, once that root shows up, there is no more mention of the supple branches. poor supple branches.
The root approaching me was far thicker than any human I’d known, let alone fucked.
thicker than any HUMAN you’d known?? or human genitals? we are gasping to know. (but we don’t want you to hear us) and we don’t like hearing about your “battered walls” because ew.
I forced myself to make eye contact with the tree creature as I recognized the orgasm forming in my core
why it’s jim!! jim orgasm! how the hell are you? long time no see!
I embraced the imminent orgasm.
JIM!! HUGGAS!!
and this is just gross:
I lost all bodily control
because all i can picture is her loosing her bowels and peeing out those battered walls.
not the best monsterporn i have read. shame on you, mina shay!
tl;dr – girl fucks tree.
karen out.
