Humping Animals Adult Coloring Book by John T.
My rating: 5/5 cats
MAY PROJECT IS OVER! a couple of days late, but the world hasn’t much felt like a place where animals humping should be a priority. still isn’t, but maybe this will be a distraction from the chaos or a chuckle thru the dry heaves. i’m sorry everything is horrible. be safe out there. here are some animals humping.
WELCOME TO MAY PROJECT! spring is in the air, folks, and nature is ready to bone! here in nyfc we’re still on lockdown and all that, but here in this coloring book, social distancing is being GLEEFULLY FLOUTED by all manner of consenting critters! APRIL ‘RONAS BRING MAY BONAS!!
I HOPE YOU LIKE PICTURES OF ANIMALS HUMPING!
PIG HUMPING PIG!
ugh, there are WAY TOO many voyeur-birds in this picture—this ain’t no peep emporium, ya pervs! they’re the only monsters who actually DO want to see how the sausage is made. or the makin’ of the bacon. or the meat-based pun of your choosing.
DOG HUMPING…BACK OF PLUSH TEDDY BEAR HEAD!
those of you NOT looking at the part of the picture where that dog is valiantly humping the unhumpable (incels everywhere wailing “what’s the back of that teddy bear’s head got that iiiii don’t got?) will notice that sensitive wall hanging containing the words, We will build this love to the sky now until forever it’s all of me and all of you…
now, because i am an EXTRA MILEGOER, i googled that phrase to see what it was from and i discovered this fine duo:
who are known as Dan + Shay (and forgive me if i am mansplaining, which i almost certainly am, but i don’t know anything about modern music so i’ve never heard of ’em) but so anyway, they have a song called From the Ground Up and here are its lyrics (spoiler-tagged because they take up a lot of real estate) View Spoiler »
which is a “who, ME?” eyebat of plausible deniability skimming as close as close can be to those lyrics without inviting litigation from songwriters who maybe don’t want their ART backdropping some very confusing animal frottage.
in “researching” this matter, i delighted in the first two questions displaying in google’s never-helpful People also ask feature:
Is Dan and Shay deaf?
(no)
Is Dan and Shay a couple?
(no)
but more importantly, i also found a listing on etsy where you can purchase YOUR OWN sensitive wall hanging to hump in front of
and that is what i learned today.
DOG HUMPING DOG!
if you will permit me my morrissey-(ian)-malcolm-mash-up:
?Amid concrete and clay
And general decay?
also, the expression on this dog’s face is perfection, and the motion lines? love.
i took a couple of days off to go a little mad, which is fine for this project, because the book has fewer pages than the month has days, and fine for me because nothing matters anymore wheee!
TURTLE HUMPING TURTLE!
which is, i suppose, fine for the turtles—it’s all fun and games until you remember how indifferent nature can be.
but it’s fine, they don’t resent the neglect.
much.
PANDA HUMPING PANDA!
a timely illustration indeed, as, after more than a decade of humans pressuring them to “do it,” captive pandas ying ying and le le recently took advantage of the privacy of a visitor-free zoo to mate like no one’s watching. unfortunately, someone still was, but at least it wasn’t a bunch of snot-nosed schoolkids. thanks, pandemic!
DOG HUMPING STUFFED MOOSE!
another day, another dog humping a stuffed animal. this one’s making a whole day of it, having already clearly humped through that duck, with the unicorn (looking worriedly on) waiting on deck…i guess even dogs got them quarantine frustration blues. at least this one is in the right ballpark, anatomically speaking, and isn’t trying to make his moose-puppies inside some poor creature’s skull.
HERMIT CRAB HUMPING HERMIT CRAB!
this may be humping or may be a prelude to a humping situation, i’m unsure. crustaceans are so mysterious; this could be love, pickpocketing, grooming, or someone about to get their eyes clawed out. if it is indeed mid-hump, i’m not convinced the hermit crab on the bottom bunk is aware that they are being humped-upon. in any case, that beach is still covid-closed so they have privacy to explore their options.
DOG HUMPING DOG HUMPING DOG!
so, mea culpa, i messed this one all up. i couldn’t figure out the anatomy here—where the individual humpers began and ended—since there were THREE dogs and only TWO rear legs. i made an executive decision re: whose leg was whose based on the relative fur-length of the participants and even as i began coloring that leg, i knew i’d made a terrible mistake, but since i had chosen the darker color of the bottomest dog instead of the lighter color of the middle dog, i could not unring that bell and now it’s like the my sweet audrina of doggystyle and i feel just terrible about it. i am sorry for turning a picture of three dogs humping merrily away into something weird and gross.
BUNNY HUMPING BUNNY!
this is such a desultory portrayal of lovemaking that it’s depressing me a little. where’s the joy? where’s the passion?? they both seem distracted, disengaged; there aren’t even any motion lines to indicate their sensual coupling. is this what happens when two creatures roofie each other? is the blue one looking at that carrot because he’s hungry or because he’d rather be on the receiving end? in any case, it’s a sad day for animal humpery.
HIPPO HUMPING HIPPO!
i’m glad these humpopotamuses, these humpy humpy hippos are having fun, but MAN—this was a bore of a page to color. broad unmitigated expanses are thumbs-down!
to offset the dullness of this page, perhaps here is where i will reveal that i have an alternate bookcover to the one pictured here. are you ready?
ta-daaaa!! so much humping! also, spoiler alert for tomorrow.
DEER HUMPING DEER!
now THAT’S what i’m talking about. unlike those dozy bunnies, this deer is really into his humpin’ session, so much so that he actually appears to be orgasmically levitating. the doe looks a bit pissed about the whole situation, but her glare might be directed towards the squirrel voyeur and not in reaction to the enthusiasm of her mate. either way, HUMPTOWN IS HERE!
DOG HUMPING LEG!
the moral of this book seems to be: dogs don’t know how to sex.
ELEPHANT HUMPING ELEPHANT!
i would apologize for the unconsciously heteronormative coloring choices i’ve just noticed patterning thru this review, but instead i’ve decided to preemptively deflect your outrage with my outrage over whatever assumptions you are making based on my color choices. so there.
then again, my name is karen and according to internet zeitgeist, i am guilty of A LOT of shitty behavior.
DOG HUMPING DOG!
sweet redemption! doggsexx has finally figured it out, here in this desolate mudlot, surrounded by random props! although they are…wait for it…BONING, so it’s relevant! but seriously, folks, what kind of love nest is this? does this pet porno take place after the world has ended? who brought that food bowl to set? the food bowl that says “lucky,” making this a picture of lucky getting lucky, so a thousand points for LAYERED HUMOR and a thousand more for the look of furious concentration on the bottom-bunk pooch.
GIRAFFE HUMPING GIRAFFE!
this one is making my head hurt a little. i am not convinced this is sex. now i need to rest from the effort of…all of this.
RACCOON HUMPING TREE!
the fact that i am certain this has happened ZERO TIMES in the world in no way diminishes my enjoyment in this picture. OR maybe i am completely wrong and raccoons humping on trees is why leaves fall in autumn. where my scientists at?
have changed my mind and decided this picture is guardians of the galaxy fanfic!
FROG HUMPING FROG!
now this is some joyful humping! i don’t have any notes on this jolly pair—they have sex all figured out and they don’t care who’s watching as they christen each and every one of those lily pads and fill the pond with polliwogs.
DOG HUMPING CHICKEN!
again, the dog finds himself with an unsuitable paramour. but in this world gone mad, who are we to deny any two creatures the joy they find in each other? this love is not wrong &etc
hump away, my friends. in full PPE.
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