monsterporn and offbeat erotica

SHE ONLY WORE A SHIRT TO THE FUNERAL – KEN HARAMIRU

She Only Wore a Shirt to the FuneralShe Only Wore a Shirt to the Funeral by Ken Haramiru
0 Stars

Hitler himself would have been proud of the dozen or so intensely fuckable blondes at the funeral, each of which were paragons of Teutonic beauty.

when invoking hitler at the opening of your erotic fantasy is far from the most inappropriate thing contained within, you know you have a winner.

this is a story about what happens when a man attending a funeral for his ex-girlfriend’s father meets a woman (relationship to the deceased unclear) who is also attending the funeral, wearing nothing but a shirt. a dress shirt, sure, but not, in fact, a dress. long story short – there is intercourse.

from the foreword:

A note on this story: Everything up until you see the line “My prayers weren’t answered” actually happened., and yes she was pretty much dressed like the girl on the cover. Once I left the reception, I couldn’t wait to get home and write a story about what could’ve happened.

so, we have officially reached the time in our evolution as a species where a penthouse letter is granted isbn status. is this a sign of the apocalypse? it should be.

so, like i do with all dirrrty short stories, i am going to go through the whole text, providing commentary. if you want to be surprised by the events of the story, don’t read this review.

so! we are at the funeral and everything is going the way funerals go until a woman walks in, wearing only a shirt. hence – the name of the story.

…my eyes went wide in disbelief as I caught a flash of panties and the hip cut-out on the shirt revealed an amazing amount of her legs.

if she is only wearing a shirt and you can see her panties, and later “the bottom of her perfectly-formed ass,” it does stand to reason that an “amazing” amount of her legs would be exposed. one might even say all of her legs.

Halfway through the service, the blonde in the shirt stood up and edged her way out into the aisle.

because it’s not rude enough to go to a funeral with your panties on display, you can’t even be bothered to sit through the whole thing. all class, this lady.

Her slender legs worked like a perfectly-tuned set of scissors…

shit – have i supposed to’ve been tuning my scissors this whole time? because regrettably, i have not.

on his way out, he sees her in the “cry-room” with a toddler on her lap (neither of them are crying) and he looks at her crotch and she smirks and blah and blah and then we are at the burial-part, where we are treated to the image of

…workers lowering the casket into the open hole.

foreshadowing!

and then we are at the afterparty, where our hero brent catches up with his friend and co-worker fred and tells him about the chick wearing only a shirt, who has somehow gone unnoticed by fred, and unremarked-upon by anyone else and this clunky sentence occurs.

Fred looked over towards the kitchen and didn’t see anything – which would of course be the norm since the kitchen counter was in the way.

“the norm” is not a synonym for “natural.”

and then there is this very detailed and unnecessary detail

Lois’s father had built a laundry room on the other side of the kitchen, apparently so that he could re-use the same water hookups on both sides of the walls.

ooooh baby – is it hot in here?? tell me more about the fucking plumbing!

so brent chats up the smirking pantsless chick at the food trough and she introduces herself as jade, and tells him to meet her in the laundry room in a bit, probably because she is totally turned on by those water hookups. brent goes back to fred to wait.

I plopped down next to him and worked on my plate of snacks. I’ve always been a fast eater, but I tried to pace myself this time. I knew for a fact that I’d finish everything on the plate in about a minute if I didn’t.

forrreeeshadowing

followed by a lot of detail about how tough and muscly both he and fred are (no homo!) and some detail about their jobs.

Fred and I own a gun shop together, one which specializes in selling to armchair amateur Special Ranger Recon Commando Seal types with more money than sense and a love for every tactical “go-fast” gadget known to mankind.

oh, good. because it is an awesome idea to arm people with “more money than sense.” thanks for that.

Today both of us were wearing black tactical pants. While Fred wore a somber charcoal gray shirt and a suit jacket, I was a bit more “out there” and wore a black leather jacket over a skin-tight black muscle shirt.

has no one dressed appropriately for this funeral???

and where is ex-lois – the daughter of the deceased?? she never makes an appearance really, but we get a little bit of detail, to her detriment.

…Fred was momentarily distracted by Lois’s bombshell sister (I admit, I dated the ugly one in comparison)

what a super-courteous thing to say! this guy has already committed many kickable offenses. keep ’em coming!

but later, because now it is time for laundry room sex. with a stranger. at a funeral.

…by the time I turned around again, the top three buttons on Jade’s shirt had come undone. I noticed for the first time that she was wearing a push-up bra, and her cleavage was beginning to show.

one would expect, after three buttons, yes.

She sighed and unfastened a couple more buttons, and the triangular window of cleavage grew even larger.

if you could already see the bra two buttons ago, aren’t we past the point of cleavage? shouldn’t we be nearing the midsection by now?

but back to it

There was a small C-section scar just above her panty line, and a few stretch marks spider webbing across her perfectly flat, toned midriff.

what is this? is this supposed to be “mommies are sexxy too!! don’t fret about those stretch marks, girl, i’ll still bang you!” why are we even mentioning these details?

whatever, so she begins to give him a lap dance.

She ground her pussy against me, and I could feel the heat she kept inside it.

that is a clever place to keep your heat, jade!

I ran my hands up and down her back briefly before they settled on the clasp of her brassiere and unhooked it. Her bra straps fell limply down, dangling uselessly as I ran my hands up and down the length of her spine.

either jade does not have shoulders, or she is wearing a bra that does not fit her properly. i feel bad for her either way.

but now he can see her boobs!

There were a few stretch marks on them

what is it with this guy and his obsessive note-taking on her imperfections? it feels almost aggressive, like “you ain’t all that – you have stretch marks.”

I could still feel her pussy grinding against my crotch, protected by the only piece of clothing she had left.

technically, this was the only piece of clothing she ever had on over that particular part.

Jade closed her eyes and threw her head back, grinding deliberately against me as she ground harder.

take notes, as this may appear on the test: she is grinding as she ground. and it is deliberate, not accidental.

and everyone should take note: if you’re not funny, don’t try to be. bad humor isn’t cute.

Jade ran her fingers down from my navel to my boxers, her fingers lingering over the bulge which was trying desperately to escape. “Oh, wow. I did this?” she asked.

I shrugged. “It wasn’t the Easter Bunny.”

what the crap does that even mean? is that supposed to be charming?

I sat down and said, “Just to warn you, the grinding was rubbing me a little raw. Might not be able to do much more.”

Jade rubbed her hand on her panties. “I bet these won’t be as rough as your pants were,” she said as she sat down on me again. She slid experimentally on my lap, and she was right. Her pussy was hot and wet, and I could feel it right through my underwear.

okay. but – he is still wearing his underpants, which is the fabric that was actually rubbing over his peepee and causing him discomfort during the (deliberate) grindy-grind. the removal of the pants will make no difference to the chafing situation.

eventually it pops out of the little boxer-hole, so okay, problem solved, but before that – not an improvement, silly!.

and then a bizarre challenge to win the fair maid

She spread her legs again and sat down on top of me, this time taking my cock and positioning it against her panties directly. “If you can get through these, you can fuck me,” she announced.

copious description follows, much of it is gross. he is straining against the crotch of her underpants with his penis, and there are all kinds of liquid noises and pleasure-noises, and eventually the motion of his ocean against the saturated underpants combines to create panty-destruction and he is able to intercourse her through the hole in her underpants. hooray!

and they can finally begin all the sexx with

flesh molding around each other in a dance as old as our species.

you know, or older. since other species reproduce this way, too.

Jade opened her mouth to breathe, and I stopped her by pulling her head down and kissing her.

because it’s such a turn-off when ladies breathe.

then they’re up from the chair and he’s holding her still-attached body to him and

I took a step or two to get some distance, and then dropped down onto a pile of clean clothes to soften the fall.

because what’s better to speed the grieving process than having to wash clothes you already washed that are now covered in your ex boyfriend’s fuck juice??

but it’s okay, because he has a moment of clarity. ish.

Jade gasped as the shock of the landing was transmitted into her pussy through my cock, then I used my weight to roll us over. There was no reason to fuck on top of my ex’s clothes, particularly since she’d just lost her father.”

i propose that the sentence could have ended at the word “fuck.”

and it’s like he’s on a roll with these piercing moments of etiquette:

There was a brief pang of guilt as I remembered that this was supposed to be a funeral, but the feeling of Jade’s pussy on my cock was enough to make me push away the guilt to focus on this.

“supposed to be”? it still IS a funeral, my friend. everyone else is still experiencing it as such.

and in the aftermath comes the philosophy:

“Never underestimate a dick’s ability to overcome obstacles, as long as there’s a vagina on the other side.”

not sure if he is using the word “dick” to refer to a penis here, or to himself.

he examines the ruined panties which are, again, all she has to wear besides a shirt.

My cock had successfully punched a ragged quarter-sized hole through her panties, and her vaginal juices had soaked a bull’s eye around the hole.

let’s not applaud ourselves over a quarter-diameter measurement. ain’t no one writing in their diary about that.

Jade took a look at her panties and swore softly. “I should have taken those off,” she said as she stood up, letting the sexual fluids drip more freely from her vagina.

YOU THINK?

She threw one of the wadded-up tissues at me, and I ducked it reflexively.

and who gets to clean that up? poor ugly lois, that’s who!

When I looked back at her, her hands were on her hips, all modesty gone.

i’m pretty sure all modesty was gone when she decided to only wear a shirt to a funeral, but we might have different working definitions of “modesty.”

and then – jade spills about why she’s so horny and damaged.

A couple of months ago, I found out that when I was pregnant … my husband slept with another woman because he didn’t want to fuck me until I got my body back. I found out when his paychecks suddenly got smaller – he got her pregnant, and she stuck him for child support.”

which sucks, and you may be tempted to feel sympathy for poor naked jade. BUT DON’T!

“As for this, Brent, don’t worry. If I get pregnant, I’m not coming after you for the child support. I’d rather twist the knife by making him pay for both of my kids if we do divorce.”

yayyyyy!!! a revenge-child!! way to lose any points you just earned in the sympathy olympics!

“We must do this again some time,” I said.

Jade smiled shyly. “Well, at least until I make up my mind what I’m doing next,” she said.

it’s a little late to play coy, but okay.

I held up her panties, looking at her through the hole in the center. “I imagine this will present a problem for you, given what you’re wearing.”

Jade shuddered. “Well, you’re the one who decided to convert them to crotchless.”

WAIT, WHAT? please read back the transcripts. i seem to remember this being your suggestion, missy.

and let’s have one more reason to kick brent:

Jade bent over and rooted through the pile of laundry on the floor, trying to find something she could wear. The years since my breakup with Lois hadn’t been kind to her, and there was no way that Jade’s slender hips could hold Lois’s panties. But Lois’s hotter sister was about the same size as Jade, and had been staying at the house since her father’s death.

wow. way to add insult to insult, buddy.

I stepped into my tactical pants, one leg at a time

i’m not sure if this was another attempt at humor, but either way i hate it.

and now jade starts feeling shy about exiting the laundry room all rumpled and without panties

“Anything I can do for you?”

She sighed. “You can kick that window out and help me through it so I can drive away,”she said.

I shook my head.”I’m afraid the grieving family wouldn’t appreciate the broken window.

because NOW is the time to start thinking about them, after you’ve been discourteous enough to abandon the mourners to get some and then wipe it all over the clean clothes. oh, and using the death as a banter point?? fucked up.

will jade say one more dumb thing? yes! she will!

“I’ll get in touch soon. I’m pretty sure I’m fertile right now, and the more I think about it, the more I want to have your baby to get back at my husband.”

and so brent FINALLY goes out and joins the others again, leaving jade in the laundry room to exit later, so it won’t look suspicious. (!!!???)

…then Lois raised her voice over in the living room and people started walking over to listen. She started talking about her father, what he’d meant to her, and that everyone who wanted a copy of the family photos she’d scanned could write their email address in the guestbook.

during all of this RUDE SPEECHMAKING, our hero texts jade to let her know she can come out of the laundry room unnoticed, since everyone else was being polite and honoring the solemnity of the occasion instead of texting some bimbo. he then has a little bro giggle with his friend over his conquest while lois is still going ON AND ON AND WHERE ARE HER MANNERS?

I smirked in reply, and joined the applause after Lois had finished her little speech. A lot of the more distant family had learned more about her father at his funeral than they had during his life, and it’d been an impressive life. The applause went on for quite a while.

too bad you were fucking some chick instead of honoring someone’s impressive life.

so but happy ending!! two weeks later, jade is pregnant! presumably with brent’s baby. and instead of a normal human reaction to this news, when jade is asked “So, what does that mean for us?” her response is, “That depends, doesn’t it? Because I get horny when I’m pregnant, and if it’s like last time, my husband won’t even touch me once I start showing. You wouldn’t want me to go unsatisfied, would you?”

because that’s what he was asking about, you floozie, not about his responsibility/involvement in the life he will be bringing into the world, but about your horniness. boy, that’s going to be one healthy relationship and one well-adjusted child.

and then it ends.

dear characters in erotic short stories – please have better manners next time. they, like STDs, are free.

NOTE:

number of times “smirk” or “smirked” can be found in this twenty-page story: 14

by which you can gauge what an insincere and annoying couple they are.

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