my monsterporn group does a little secret dream monster valentine porn-exchange, and i selected the unicorn as my dream monster, naturally. the secret gifters have now been unveiled, so i know kira chose this one for me, and to her i say “thank you for uniporn!”
this is a sad story about a girl with some undiagnosed mental illness who gets led into a life of crime by a manipulative unicorn. is my interpretation, anyway.
sandy is a twenty-year-old virgin. apparently, this is unusual enough that it makes “everyone” laugh at her. but she doesn’t care. much. she’s keeping her v so she can summon a unicorn; crossing her legs, reading her shapeshifter novels, and living in a tiny cabin where wildflowers are allowed to grow…erm – wild, up to her knees. every once in a while, she will wander out, dressed as one does to attract a unicorn.
Staring into her bedroom mirror, she fluffed up her blond ringlets and smoothed out her lacy red mini dress. Like most of her clothes, it was way too tight for her generous helping of curves. In fact, it almost looked painted onto her butt and boobs, not to mention cinching embarrassingly snugly at the waist. But it would have to do.
not sure why “it would have to do” since you could just…get new clothes, clothes that fit, but even stranger to me is her logic that in order to attract a unicorn with their heralded love of virgins, sandy would choose to dress like a whore.
let’s just take a moment to remove our monsterporn goggles and take a step back to view this situation with our real-world eyes. i know, never a good idea, but we’re doing it.
so we have a lady living in an isolated log cabin with an unkempt lawn, wandering around dressed like courtney love whose only ambition is to attract a unicorn. nothing wrong here, right? just sanity and smart life choices.
Now that she was out here, listening to a lone car’s honking and narrowly avoiding stepping on a broken beer bottle, Sandy had to ask herself what she was doing. But her heart was drunk with the promise of the unicorn. There wouldn’t be so many legends about unicorns if they didn’t exist.
that is also terrible logic. and why is there a car honking in the woods? and – even though we don’t learn this until later – she is barefoot, so the bottle-avoidance is actually pretty crucial. but she should probably “ask herself what she was doing” with more frequency.
but most important here is the assertion that “her heart was drunk with the promise of the unicorn.” because it’s all about love, right?? and when dealing with love, we all go a little crazy, right?
That horn! She needed that horn. So long and spiral and sharp. How many people had it impaled? If Sandy had it, she’d be safe. She imagined clutching it, thrusting its thick mass at the things that got in her way. She’d watch the white light rain forth from its tip and blind the jealous bitches who’d mocked her chastity belt. The horn would be so strong in her hand, so solid…
let’s take one of those steps back again. so it’s not about true love after all? the only reason she wants the horn is to poke girls who made fun of her for being a virgin? if being a virgin is so shaming to her, why not just … lose the virginity to a human boy or girl? you’re already dressed for it, and it would be so much less time-consuming than hunting down a unicorn and what – killing it for its horn?? sandy, you are fucked up.
A flame burned in her belly. Sandy fanned herself. When had it gotten so hot outside? Water ran down her skin, but her mouth was so dry. She plucked a blossom from a nearby honeysuckle vine and licked the nectar inside the petals.
you can see this, right? poor sandy, wandering around the woods wearing a nighttime dress in the daytime, barefoot, sweating, her makeup probably running, lost in her wild fantasies and eating flowers. it might actually be courtney love after all.
but then – a uuunicorn!! so maybe she’s not crazy after all.
The sound of galloping made her heart leap in her chest. Her head jerked up in time to see a huge white horse rearing at her. In the center of its forehead was a perfectly spiral ivory horn.
sandy takes exactly one second to admire the unicorn before getting all nasty about it.
Sandy’s breath caught. She glanced down and quickly realized where the expression “hung like a horse” came from. This unicorn was definitely not an it, not with that monster member hanging down. How did he even stand up, let alone run? Absolutely impressive equipment.
way to appreciate the miracle, sandy.
She blushed. The unicorn might be a male, but he was still an animal, for crying out loud! She shouldn’t be thinking of him like that.
no. that would be…insane.
She rubbed her eyes, and the member was gone. No sign of it at all. Just a beautiful snow-white unicorn with elegant, muscular legs and oddly knowing brown eyes. Sandy heaved a sigh of relief. She must have hallucinated it. Well, that was okay, then.
this casual dismissal of the vanishing penis speaks to a familiarity with hallucination-jags. someone prescribe something to this girl already!
but she’s still all horny and she reminisces about how She’d gotten so hot and wet all over the past two summers, so painfully sensitive, to the point she had to bite her lip to keep from moaning so her parents wouldn’t hear and how on those long hot nights sweating with lust she struggled with keeping her hands off her lady parts.
but wait, she lives with her parents?? not that there’s anything wrong with a twenty-year-old virgin living with her parents, but this throws the whole cabin thing into question. because in the beginning, when describing her cabin, where the
Wildflowers grew to her knees in some places, the reason no one would rent out here and why her tiny cabin was so cheap. Sandy thought this was stupid. Where else would the unicorn come to find her if not in a meadow like the stories always said?
and yet she’s in the woods. but that seems to imply that this is her own place, where she lives in squalor in a place no one else wants to live. but are her parents there with her in this ramshackle insanity-nightmare? to help her in her mission to snag a unicorn? the only other time they are mentioned, she refers to them as “neglectful” with no context, so that can’t be it. holy shit – do you think THEY are a hallucination? and the reason they are neglectful is because they are not really there?? did she murder them the way she wanted to murder the unicorn before she saw his penis? this book is getting dark! and the summer comment is throwing me off, too. does that mean she is only horny in the summer? or does that mean that she only lives with her parents in the summer? am i thinking too hard about this? i just want more backstory, please! i like to understand my female leads before they get hooked on monstercock.
because this is also so perplexing to me, returning to “memories of summer nights”
It would have been so easy to let her hand slip inside her panties, but she couldn’t invite temptation by playing alone, never mind with any of the handsome men who gave her a second look. She had to stay pure. Pure – and hot and wet. even if it hurt.
masturbation does not invalidate virginity. and her motivations are still so murky to me. she wants the intercourse, she has opportunity for intercourse with all the men and their second looks and her ample boobies, but she has remained a virgin in order to meet a unicorn. fine. this makes sense, in monsterporn logic. but she
doesn’t didn’t want to have sex with the unicorn itself. and she wasn’t revering it because – glorious mythological splendor. she wanted to KILL it to TAKE ITS HORN so she could SHOOT WHITE LIGHT OUT OF IT at GIRLS WHO MADE FUN OF HER FOR BEING A VIRGIN. it just seems like a shabby and cruel fantasy.
but whatever – you guys are here for the sexxy bits. so – sandy
mounts climbs aboard the unicorn, straddling his back in her minidress, only then thinking to ask “where are you taking me?”
too late, my dear. you’re on the unicorn express now.
and basically, she nearly has her first orgasm on the back of a unicorn.
…the bouncing and rubbing against her clit in that short time – no wonder little girls wanted ponies of their own!
argh, sandy – that is NOT why.
Her slit had grown so slick, it was a miracle she didn’t slide right off.
He was so magnificent, everything a little girl collecting sparkly stickers could dream of. Good girls didn’t think like this.
she’s gotta stop with these little-girl references juxtaposed with confessions of how horny she is. it’s alarming.
so they get to a stopping point and they have a conversation and sandy is a little too eager.
You’re so big!” she blurted out.
“Indeed I am,” the unicorn agrees, shaking out his mane and nestling his head in Sandy’s lap. “Indeed I am.”
so, with his head in her lap, he begins to exhale up into her ladybits all tickly and then immediately makes with the oral. and sandy has her very first orgasm – hooray.
and then it gets murky. again. so, she is sitting indian-style with a unicorn’s head in her lap. right? you are picturing this? and after the orgasm shudders its course, she reached down a maddened hand to tear off the sodden panties. They were in the way! All her clothes were in the way.
She flung down the tatters of sky-blue satin.
how is this even possible? go on, try it, i will wait. unicorn head on your lap optional. unless you have one handy.
so then unicorn makes her close her eyes and when she reopens them, he is a MAN! a naked muscly man. with a weird-ass penis: a perfect spiral of flesh that went on forever, and it stood up proudly in greeting.
oh come now – FOREVER? and also – ow. and also – what? how did his horn get down there? didn’t he JUST have a penis in unicorn-form?
She stared at what had been the unicorn’s spiral horn. She remembered how the girls at school and work had called her a prude and stupid and how she’d wanted to get the horn just to show them how wrong they were. How she’d fantasized about making them sorry.
but now her revenge fantasies are over. they have transitioned to lust-fantasies. and it’s a little awkward, like some fifty shades outtake as the virgin stumbles over the vocabulary.
“I need – ” she stuttered, “I need – that.” It hurt to say it, but she had to. “In – in me. I need you to stick it in me.”
Sandy pointed. “That!”
“Cock, Sandy,” the unicorn said. “Say it.” He wrapped her fingers around the thick flesh. “Say it, and I’ll show you what it can do.”
“C-c-cock,” Sandy managed at last. Even the word sounded like sex. She tightened her fist around the ample spiral until her fingernails cut into her palm. Yes, sex. The breath she hadn’t even known she’d been holding seeped out of her, and her shoulders slackened. “Cock!”
hahahahahah COCK!!!! although, judging by its girth, unless she has giant lumberjack hands, it’s not a super-impressive cock, spiral-features aside.
and this unicorn-shifter is kind of a dick.
he’s a little condescending, which considering he is interacting with this chick in a dress too small for her who is saying dumb things and eating flowers, is kind of understandable, but still. i would have smacked him.
turns out he is prince dorian of the shapeshifter tribe, and he tells her all his woes, and the woes of shapeshifting unicorn people in general and how when a unicorn comes of age, he must mate with a human woman and create the next child in the line.
i don’t know what is expected of girl-unicorns, but i guess this seems logical.
this, however, does not:
This worked until the dawning of what you mortals call the Age of Reason, when people stopped believing in anything they couldn’t prove by science. My people became relegated to the realm of myth and legend, which wouldn’t be so bad, except – “
Sandy recalled the insults and taunts thrown her way for believing in unicorns and magic. “Except that if no adult believes you exist, how can you carry them off to mate with you?”
wait, what?? anything can be carried off, whether it believes in you or not. this sounds like a unicorn-lie to me.
“Yes,” Dorian said. He stared off into the distance, a forlorn expression on his face. “Exactly.”
so whatever – sandy has been chosen to be dorian’s virgin sacrifice – but not in a killing way. coulda picked a better word than “sacrifice,” but shapeshifting unicorns are not known for their linguistic precision. and he gets all “tick tock” on her, telling her she has a choice, but make up your mind now because unicorn numbers are dwindling and you are going to have my babies and be bound to me for life as my princess and let’s do this already.
but sandy, while miserable at the thought of no more unicorns on the world (although – since this is the first ones she has seen in 20 years, it shouldn’t be that devastating, especially considering he’s a jerk)
but she’s got some questions – but waaaaait a minute – you don’t actually need a virgin for that, hey? you can totes mate with a nonvirgin.
oh, but he’s got something of the christian grey in him
“Because you must be mine in body and soul,” Dorian said, his voice soft. “Never touched by another, never claimed by another. For always.”
TICK TOCK TICK TOCK
he’s such a player, this one
His eyes contained the pain and depth of someone who had seen more than his share of sorrow but also knew good still existed in the world
Sandy took a deep breath. This was her whole life she was talking about. And she didn’t know if she wanted kids.
kids are baby goats, dummy! you would be having ponies.
bear in mind that this is page 21 of 35 and they haven’t had sex yet.
her hesitation is confounding. she was the one looking for a unicorn in the first place, right? although i guess she just wanted the horn before. but now she REALLY wants the horn.
BUT WHAT CAN HE SAY TO CONVINCE HER?? WHAT INDEED?
“Red is so beautiful on you, Sandy,” Dorian murmured, toying with the collar of her mini dress. “Do you know, I think I dreamed of you, too?”
That did it. Sandy couldn’t come up with a single reason for refusing
wait, that’s it?? some corny ass neil strauss line?? really???? REALLY, SANDY???
but that’s it. and now it’s ON!
Sandy moaned and pulled his head closer, threading her fingers through his hair. It was softer than corn silk and smelled amazing, like bottled manhood.
LIKE BOTTLED MANHOOD.
okay, and now i have to type this whole part out so you can tell me if i’ve missed something.
He kissed the hollow of her throat, then pulled back. “Sandy, are you completely sure you want this? Once we go forward, that’s it.”
The concern in his voice brought tears to Sandy’s eyes. “Of course I’m sure,” she whispered. “This is supposed to be. I can feel it.”
Dorian growled and fingered her clit. The pressure and the slick feel of her own nectar was too much for Sandy to take. Arching and gasping, she raked her fingernails over his back. He hissed in pain and pleasure and rubbed even harder, making Sandy gush her juices everywhere. She cried out, bucking her hips against him. “Oh, Dorian!”
“You will run with the unicorns, Sandy,” Dorian promised, lifting his mouth from her pussy.
WAIT!!!! HOW DID HIS FACE GET DOWN THERE??? DID I MISS SOME TRANSITION SOMEWHERE?? is her pussy on her throat or is his mouth on his finger, because otherwise, that could not have just happened.
but whatever. sandy says “Show me what that cock does” – without stuttering even once, the fast learner!
and so they have the unicorn sex. and his penis SPIRALS inside of her. WHILE HE IS THRUSTING. it’s like a carnival in her vagina! whe!
there are many sexxy descriptions, like
She wanted to wrap her (thighs) around him to let him go even deeper. So she did.
and then the weirdest orgasm ever:
Sandy shattered into a million pieces, finally washing ashore as many years later.
i do so hope they make a movie version of this so i can understand what just happened there.
and then there’s a rainbow.
and then, can you even guess what happens next?? no, you cannot.
unicorn picnic!! with his cousin bellatrix!! because why the crap not?
but bellatrix just drops off the basket and bounces so they can have more romance, i guess. a bizarre and unnecessary interlude!
for picnics, unicorns like to have bread with huckleberry jam, orange blossom honey, assorted cheeses, strawberries with cream, frosted cakes, and elderberry wine. in case you were wondering.
and then she puts honey on his spiral and licks it off. picnic is OVER! now it is time to SPIRAL IN HER MOUTH!
and what do the pearlescent dewdrops of unicorn-semen taste like, boys and girls??
forgotten dreams and fairy tales
and his assessment of her skills?
“A unicorn couldn’t have done better.”
but WAIT? does this mean unicorn boys don’t have to be virgins? has he had unicorn lovers? so why can’t he just mate with one of his own kind, since we have already seen there is a girl unicorn and he has mentioned “the herd” several times. i’m not suggesting he do anything as nasty as unicorn incest, but surely there is a viable male in the herd that could hump on bellatrix? no?? and no girl unicorns unrelated to dorian?? nothing in-house? just sandy?? okay.
It was crazy how much her life had changed in the past twelve hours.
yes, craaaaazy. because you are craaaaaazy
and then – whoa. seriously, whoa.
sandy muses that her having one unicorn baby isn’t going to be enough to save the species. (because “the herd” is not pulling their weight)
She thought of the Renaissance Faires, of the cosplay convention circuit. She thought of the people who dressed up as faeries and wore T-shirts that said Believe. Surely some of them had held out for something better just like she had.
“I’ll bring them, my Prince,” she said suddenly. “I’ll find virgins who still believe, and I’ll bring them to your people.”
first of all, where are you going to find a virgin at a renaissance faire?? (pause for laughter)
but jesus christ, did sandy just become a unicorn pimp??? yes. yes she did.
and the last line of this spectacular story??
Sometimes wishes really did come true.
i mean, if your wish is to become a chick who herds virgins onto the spirals of unicorn shapeshifters. it’s the happiest ending ever!
thanks again, kira! i loved my hornporn and all the giggles it delivered!!