“Porn, man! Monster porn. That shit is blowing up right now. It’s gonna be fucking HUGE!!”
arthur graham seems to be constantly writing stuff, and he’s constantly shaking me down to read and review this stuff. which i do, since i don’t have the money to give to charitable organizations and it’s my only way of contributing to the well-being of the less-fortunate; inspiring others to shell out for his books so arthur can finally afford that fancy helmet and be the envy of all his fellow short bus riders.
but now he’s just getting pushy about it. this time, he didn’t even ask me to read this book, it just appeared in my mailbox on my birthday. stalker alert aside, i was really excited about it, since i thought the cover was a depiction of a drunken red panda with giant testicles, which seemed like a very thoughtful birthday present to have written just for me.
turns out, it’s not a red panda at all, nor was i the only person who got a copy, so now i’m back to calling it an imposition.
but it’s honestly the best and funniest thing he’s written.
don’t get me wrong, it’s disgusting. reprehensible, even. it’s full of icky sex, copious bodily fluids, bloodshed, drugs, the smearing of robert redford’s good name, some rough sexual treatment of uma thurman, unusual architectural adhesives, the worst orgy ever, and worst of all – marital infidelity.
but – it did give me something else to hopelessly long for. no, not decomposing zombie orgies or coked-up starlets, but a TANUKI!
my initial thinking that the cover-image was of a red panda was down to my complete ignorance of the tanuki’s existence. otherwise, the title would probably have clued me in.
THIS is a tanuki:
and this is a tanooki:
the tanuki is both a real thing
and the stuff of legends
and here, mr tanuki is legendary, indeed. mostly because of his enormous testicles, Like two fleshy boulders, they’re barely supported by the narrow couch cushions, a thin film of tacky ball sweat being the only thing keeping them from tumbling to the floor. also, his enormous sexual drive, which insatiable drive is shared by his tanuki wife, and they both get up to many extramarital shenanigans, frequently with human celebrities.
it’s a riches-to-rags-to-riches story from which our plucky, ballsy tanuki and his sassy tanuki wife ultimately emerge heroic, if a bit sticky.
technically, this book is comprised of three short stories:
– Tanuki vs. the Aokigahara Swingers Club
– Tinseltown Tanuki
– Shinkansen of Love
but they’re connected by characters and situations, so i’m treating it as a novel. novella? it’s 92 pages, call it what you like.
as long as you call it.
arthur needs that helmet before he concusses himself.
learn a little, love a lot!
thank you, arthur!
look what reading this book did to my cat!!