reviewed without reading


Natural Harvest - A Collection of Semen-Based RecipesNatural Harvest – A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes by Paul “Fotie” Photenhauer

i have read this one, but i have never cooked from it, so i’m keeping it here, among friends…

get over here, bourdain…

in this economy, cutting back is sometimes necessary. groceries are expensive, and sometimes you gotta find ways to be more self-sufficient: windowsill herb gardens, cutting coupons, eating out less. i hear you.

so what about this??

think of it like a victory garden… in your pants!!

ladies, get your menfolk to cook and have fun doing it!! brings families together!! don’t contribute to overpopulation – do some cooking instead!!!

and vegans, i gotta know – where do you stand on this? i understand not wanting to eat meat or things that come out of animals who are trapped in their pens with their big eyes or fluffy feathers, i understand not wanting to steal from the bees’ hard labor, but this?? i assure you, the animal in question feels no pain and would not be caged against its will and would probably be producing this ingredient out of boredom or lonesomeness regardless.

cum on, vegans!!

“spunky candied pecans”!! oh, wait – that has butter. hang on. okay, if y’all are cool with the manjuice, you can have “noodles with special spicy sauce” and not wound anything!

it’s actually a very practical cookbook, and offers several tips, like keeping a cumstash in the freezer to which you (one) contribute(s) every day so you always have provisions on hand. (three days in the fridge without deterioration, apparently indefinitely in the freezer) there are tips about maximizing your (one’s) semen production, how to enhance its flavor, how to “melt” ejaculate…it’s all-natural, locally sourced, super-green*, and the food photography is gorgeous, so even padma would probably put this stuff in her mouth!

and of course, a disclaimer “this cookbook is written for consenting diners of semen. please do not add semen to your guest’s food without informing them beforehand.”

those are the author’s words, i am making no promises. imma get me a stable of males and some new saucepans.

oh, and lesball – there is a lumpia recipe!!

omnivore’s dilemma indeed…

* if yours is green in color, however, do not use it in your cooking and go straight to the doctor, dude.

read my reviews on goodreads

Click to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Amazon Disclaimer is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon properties including but not limited to,, or,,, or


this feels gauche, but when i announced i was starting a blog, everyone assured me this is a thing that is done. i’m not on facebook, i’ve never had a cellphone or listened to a podcast; so many common experiences of modern life are foreign to me, but i’m certainly struggling financially, so if this is how the world works now, i’d be foolish to pass it up. any support will be received with equal parts gratitude and bewilderment.

To Top