I Knead My Mommy: And Other Poems by KittensI Knead My Mommy: And Other Poems by Kittens by Francesco Marciuliano
My rating: 5/5 cats
One StarOne StarOne StarOne StarOne Star

it was only a matter of time before the people who brought you I Could Pee on This And Other Poems by Cats and I Could Chew on This: And Other Poems by Dogs burned through their earnings from those books in series of cocaine-and-hot-air-balloon bacchanals and cried out – “oh no, what now???”

kittens, is what now.

in keeping with the format of my reviews for the previous books: meow and roof, here are some of the poems that made me the chuckliest along with pictures of adorable kittens, probably being naughty.

I’ve Been Watching

Like a human baby
I cry a lot
Like a human baby
I need your help
Like a human baby
I crave your love
Like a human baby
I sometimes wedge myself behind
the fridge
Or run screaming across
the kitchen countertop
Or hide inside pillowcases
Only to claw wildly at your ears
when you rest your head
Like a human baby
I don’t know everything about human babies
Especially since you don’t have one yet
But when you do
You can thank me for how I prepared you
For when your human baby starts gnawing
on exposed wires.

Ode to a Lizard I Didn’t Know Is Also a Pet in This House

I’m sorry!
I didn’t mean to startle you!
I’m sorry!
I didn’t mean to climb the wall!
I’m sorry!
I just had no idea you live here too!
But let’s make amends
And let’s be best friends
And let’s see how much louder
We can make our person scream
By both crawling up his leg at 3 a.m.


This is who I am
This is how I live
This is why I’m now covered
In flour, fudge, and Scotch


And you wake up screaming
And you nick yourself shaving
And you spill coffee on your groin
And you fall down six steps of stairs
And you smash your head on the front door
Every morning when I leap out of nowhere
And meow “Hello!”
You do something so very, very funny
That I’m reminded once more
How lucky I am
To live with someone with such great
comedic timing


These right here
Are the softest
Are the comfiest
Are the most luxurious
Bed sheets
I’ve ever hacked up on
Thank you again for inviting me into your home

And Then You Said “No”

And then you said, “No!”
And then I looked at you
Waiting for a definition
And then you said “No!”
As if “No!”
Defined the word “No!”
“No! “No! “No!”
And then I realized
You must be practicing a musical note
Over and over again
And then I went back
To shoving my paw in your mayo

Please Stop

I am
I am
I still am
Sigh, yes I am
For a fifth time
That would be me
So I’m begging you
Please stop asking
“Who’s a fuzzy, funny fur face?”
Because you’re sounding less like
A loving pet parent
And more like
The most unprepared job interviewer
on the planet

Everywhere I Look

There’s a bird in a nearby cage
There are fish in that tank
There’s even a mouse-like thing
Running around on a little wheel
There’s the fast beating of my heart
There’s the big lump in my throat
There are the tears of joy in my eyes
As it dawns on me
I didn’t just move into my forever home
But into my very own Whole Foods store

Finally Come Home

Ten hours
I was all alone
Ten hours
I was really bored
Ten hours
Until you finally came home
Only to walk right by me
And plop down on the couch
Only for me
To take a sharp swipe at your ankle
Now you’re chasing me around the house
Now you’re hobbling and cursing my name
Now I’m thinking these past ten minutes
Are the happiest I’ve been all day

Over Here!

Now I’m over here!
Now I’m on top of this!
Now I’m wedged between these!
Now I’ve torn through all of that!
Now my head is in this jar!
Now my butt is on this meal!
Now my body’s in midair!
Now I’m flying through something dainty!
Now I’m hanging from your leg!
Now I’m hanging from the screen!
Now I’m hanging from a ceiling fan!
Now I’m in midair once again!
Now I’m outside!
Now I’m running back inside!
Now I’m hurtling back outside!
Now I’m on the roof!
Now it may not be your roof!
Now you’re pleading with me to get off the roof!
Now I landed on your face!
Now I don’t know
How I’ve been so many places
In the past minute and a half
But I do know that
Thanks to tracking litter
I can retrace my journey every single
step of the way


I curl my adorable fur body
Into an adorable fetal ball
As I tuck my adorable head
Into my adorable tail
And sigh my adorable sighs
As I rest adorably
Right on top of the one thing you need right now
Sleep, adorable me. Sleep.

Sense of Wonder

Thanks to my sense of wonder
Thanks to my thirst for knowledge
Thanks to my need to explore
To analyze
To learn
To find out all there is
About this new place I call home
Thanks to all that
And a poorly timed jump
I can confidently report
That everything you ever treasured
Should not have been placed
On a single shelf you installed yourself

and now, just so you don’t go through your day feeling all happy and sweet, i will leave you with a sad poem. because i am a jerk.

Not Goodbye

I still smell the older cat
On his favorite chair
On his favorite blanket
On his favorite toy
On me
I still smell the older cat
But I can’t find him anywhere
And now his dish is gone
And now his bed is gone
And now you are crying
But I still smell the older cat
So tomorrow I will look again

okay, that’s too sad – here you need to look at this right away:

better?? enjoy this book and support your local hot-air balloon dealership!!

read my reviews on goodreads

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