Fucked by the Lake Monster by Brandi Burlington
okay, i know what i said about not reading any monster porn for a while, but this one was too good to pass up.
champy.
porn.
for those of you who don’t know who champy is, he is the lake monster what lives in lake champlain.
i even have a choose-your-own adventure book about him:
The Lake Monster Mystery (Choose Your Own Adventure – Dragonlark)
which i have somehow never reviewed. watch for that, friends!
but so i was fascinated. gargoyle sex is one thing, bigfoot sex is another thing, but champy sex?? how is that even physically possible, anatomically speaking??
so i had to do it, i just did. DON’T JUDGE ME!!
and i was richly rewarded.
this is one of the best monsterotica books i have yet read. seriously. it is told from both the POV of the monster and the young woman of his dreams. the monster-POV parts are hypnotic and lulling like waves lapping at the shore of…oh, i don’t know – some lake or other. and it is funny and gross and i guess sexxy, if you read these for the sexxy bits and not for the sheer audacity of their premises.
but gross, really.
she imagines herself taking the gold in the cock-olympics:
Six men in a chlorinated Olympic sized swimming pool. A pool full of hard cocks just waiting to be fucked till the pool’s water would look like the last bit of milk in an almost emptied bowl of cereal.
ew, right?
but funny!
and the way she was able to get around the size-conundrum is nothing short of genius.
hint: there might be a bit of lake monster pole-dancing.
this book is full of win.
when contemplating the massive output of champy’s seed:
It was like Niagra Falls but better because she had caused it.
love this story.
the female lead in this is a marvelous creation. she only enjoys sexual intercourse if it takes place in the water. like a mermaid or a stingray.
but she is also horribly cruel – she throws rocks at one of her lovers after their union, when he is clearly someone who has been missing in the woods for quite a while after having wandered away from some special needs camp.
and yet with champy, she becomes creative and selfless, giving him what he needs after he has been so generous in attending to her own. it is almost an inspiring love story of how love changes us, but not one that nicholas sparks would ever have the sensitivity to write. fucking hack.
if you are going to read one monsterotica in your life, and you are, read this one.
you can buy it here:
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view…
i actually paid for this one, and it was well worth the $2.99 for the enjoyment i have received. i am very curious about the person to whom this was dedicated, auralie vierge…. i have heard through the grapevine that she has her own story soon to be published, and it sounds great, and i cannot wait to read it. in fact, between me and you, there are some great things about to start happening in this genre, and we are going to go on a journey together, and hopefully you can spare the pocket change to help out a few young aspiring monster-pornographers. jonathan franzen is able to pay his bills, brandi burlington might need a little help. and you can proudly say you were in on the ground floor of this emerging genre.
cuz it’s gonna be bigger than fifty shades. believe that.
