review

CREATIVE HAVEN EXOTIC BIRDS COLORING BOOK – RUTH SOFFER

By karen t. brissette

Posted on April 29, 2022

Creative Haven Exotic Birds Coloring Book by Ruth Soffer
My rating: 4/5 cats
One Star

WELCOME TO APRIL PROJECT! since April is the cruellest month, i have chosen this coloring book, in which Thirty-one realistic portraits of extraordinarily beautiful birds offer close-ups of exotic species from around the world. my plan is to make them even MORE realistic by showing each one of these monsters devouring an itty-bitty ME! like this TOUCAN:

do you see what this wing’ed scourge is doing to my HEAD? it is an outrage!

i probably won’t be able to do this art textbook detail-enhancement thingy for each of them because of space, but if there’s interest, maybe i’ll add them to the blogversion of this review at the end of the month. i will also be accompanying these imaginary, but plausible, atrocities with ones ripped from nature. observe:

i mean, who’s to say those aren’t my little legs dangling from the maw of that beast? and don’t think they’re not coming for you next:

anyway, birds gobbling me up. WHAT WILL HAPPEN LET’S FIND OUT!

APRIL 1: CUBAN TODY

look at this asshole SEETHE.

you can tell he’s just waiting for me to go to cuba so he can prey on me, but i’m no april fool. for now, he’ll have to make do with consuming a fellow-flier.

NB: i’m not bothering to do any research about what any of these abominations actually look like before i color them. apologies to mother nature for disregarding her palette.

APRIL 2: FISCHER’S TURACO

typical jerk-bird behavior: using concealing coloration to blend into the david bowies hoping i’ll let my guard down and he can nibble me to pieces.

APRIL 3: FLAMINGO

these guys pretend to be harmless; all goofy and awkward

but let’s take a closer look

yeah that’s what i thought…

APRIL 4: GOLDEN-OLIVE WOODPECKER

this peckerwood is bad news, always spying through your windows

and peeking up ladies’ skirts.

0/5 stars: would not recommend.

APRIL 5: GREAT CRESTED GREBE

what’s so great about this douchebird?

great pain in the ass, maybe

who does that? the great crested grebe, that’s who!

APRIL 6: HOATZIN

these guys have “a disagreeable, manure-like odor” (wikipedia’s words, not mine, and you know she always tries to be polite), but that’s just their way of keeping you at a distance so you don’t notice that they have CLAWS on their WINGS like a freaking DRAGON.

hoatzin: portrait of a serial killer

STEP 1: self-deprecating levity.

STEP 2: your eyeballs cocktail-olived onto their claws.

APRIL 7: HOOPOE

okay, sure, they’re pretty

but on the rare occasions when they’re not trying to eat all of my fingers,

they’re always sticking their pointy beaks into their neighbors’ mouths, pranking them with bugs they’ve found under rocks. hahaaaaa gotcha!

slow motion NOOOOOOOOO

APRIL 8: MARABOU STORK

Marabou Stork Nightmares is the world’s most redundant book title and i could spend the whole day warning you about these burn victim/plague doctor/skeksis.

seen here eating my forearm

and my heart

the ONLY good thing about them is that they’re one of the few birds that hate birds as much as i do, and they really keep the other-bird numbers down

and that’s the marabou stork.

APRIL 9: PALM COCKATOO

wow, okay, i really miscolored this sinister mofo

even as babies they look atrocious

and if you need more proof that birds are always one step away from eating us alive:

shhhh, i’m gonna bite her lips off in three seconds!

APRIL 10: PURPLE HERON

whoops, mine’s a not-so-purple heron

these guys eat snakes

lizards

screaming fish

and, sadly, zvika monar

APRIL 11: WOOD STORK

these wood dorks don’t even pretend to be good guys. hanging out with other maneating dinosaurs

eating tourists

cosplaying guilty remnants

and just generally making a nuisance of themselves

APRIL 12: ATLANTIC PUFFIN

i mean, this is basically a mirror image photo. these guys could eat a whole city of mes. another perfect match, this bird:

and that thing from SAW

tweet tweet tweet

APRIL 13: CROWNED CRANE

look at this koosh ball doucheball

dressing up like a saint

but acting like a damn demon

unafraid, unstoppable

if there’s ever a Cujo remake, give this bird a call

APRIL 14: MAGNIFICENT FRIGATEBIRD

we calling this thing magnificent, are we?

frigate THAT! this is magnificence? this testicular nightmare waving his inflatable junk around like he’s louis c.k.?

somebody cancel this chubbo before he explodes everywhere

is it cold in here or is it just you?

APRIL 15: IMPEYAN PHEASANT

look at this showy motherfucker

with his four leaf clover church hat

nature abhors sartorial parity—look how drab the female is

but she’s not sulking because she’s jelly of this dude’s dapper threads—she’s just trying to avoid eye contact so he doesn’t start up his goofy-ass mating dance.

put that one back in the evolutionary oven, it’s still a dinosaur.

APRIL 16: MACARONI PENGUIN

sure, they’re great dancers

but if they’ll turn on their own

they’ll sure as hell turn on you

and cover themselves in your blood

macaroni and teeth: now you’re the comfort food.

APRIL 17: CASSOWARY

be very wary…of the cassowary.

seen here eating someone’s testicle

and hollowing out a toddler

i know that many of you think i am overreacting to the threats birds pose to humankind, and that’s fine. but maybe keep my warnings in mind when it comes to the cassowary. these are its feets, ffs:

here are its top stories:

Why is the Cassowary the Most Dangerous Bird in the World?

Bird Kills Florida Farmer with its ‘Murderous’ Claws

How to Survive a Cassowary Attack

Cassowary That Killed Owner Being Put Up for Auction

so…i guess we don’t learn, eh? caveat emptor.

APRIL 18: RUFOUS-TAILED JACAMAR

look at this smug little bastard

smug, loudbeaked

and hungry

APRIL 19: BLACK VULTURE

say.

no.

more.

and, seriously, i’m almost out of space here wtf?

APRIL 20: ROSEATE SPOONBILL

so, it’s a flamingo who stuck his nose where it oughtn’t’ve?

who, me?

i suppose they’re pretty enough, like nature’s ballerinas

but—nope—too much wing, that is terrifying

but i has stick 4 u?

TOO MUCH WING, I SAID! NEXT!

APRIL 21: COMMON KINGFISHER

the all-too-common kingfisher all-too-commonly disregards the rules, only looking after his ownself.

enjoy your ill-gotten fish, beakface

nom nom nom

APRIL 22: RED-KNOBBED HORNBILL

ugh, what a knob

that’s it, that’s all i got

APRIL 23: TEMMINCK’S TRAGOPAN

off with their heads!

APRIL 24: RUFF

so, there are a million different kinds of ruffs, and they are all tech avail to be in yr period piece

APRIL 25: SCARLET MACAW

my coloring is a mess—it was hard to tell what was leaves and what was feathers AND THAT’S HOW THEY GET YOU!

anyway, if there’s one thing i know, it’s that zombie macaws are always lookin’ for brains

when am i gonna get my own PBS nature special on birds? i have SO MUCH WISDOM TO IMPART!

APRIL 26: SCYTHEBILL

its mouth is literally named after the thing the grim reaper carries when it comes for you (no, not like THAT!)

APRIL 27: SWORD-BILLED HUMMINGBIRD

are you seeing a pattern here? all birds are weapons. and they’re not just after spearing your flowers

these fancy sequined fops

have stabby duels all the time

and you’re next, human…

APRIL 28: SHOEBILL

there is nothing about this bird that is okay. they are like if jim henson had designed serial killers.

i mean, look at this shoebill/marabou stork faceoff. it’s basically a deleted scene from labyrinth:

everything about it is horrifying. just walking around….

flapping its gargoyle wings

chowing down on a duck

you wanna see this thing standing outside your window? i fucking don’t.

even when it’s being goofy, there’s something dangerously unhinged about it. it is a loose cannon, it cannot be trusted.

nope nope nope to the shoebill.

APRIL 29: WHITE-FRONTED BEE-EATER

a white-fronted ME-eater!

these little turds emerge from the bowels of hell

flooding the earth with no regard for social distancing

where they fight each other

and then eat all of our bees, ruining earth’s delicate ecosystem and contributing to the end of the age of man. and then they have the audacity to POSE FOR THE CAMERA while doing it.