Beaver Dam by Jon Burr
My rating: 5/5 cats
WE HAVE A WINNER!!!
and, it’s true that this might be premature; i haven’t made my way through all of the free nook books yet, but right now, this one is the clear frontrunner, and i expect it will be the winner at the end of it all.
oh, wait, lemme do my spiel:
dear goodreaders:
it has come to my attention that there are over one million books being offered on nook for free. FOR FREE! ONE MILLION!
and keeping in mind the success of self-published/fanfic masterpieces like Fifty Shades of Grey, Angelfall, and Wool, i have taken it upon myself to find the Next Big Thing amongst these titles.
therefore, i will be reading as many of these as i can, to uncover the hidden gems, and passing along my findings to you. yes, you!!
will they all be awesome?
unlikely.
am i going to pick most of them just because their covers or titles make me laugh?
very likely, indeed.
this is the sixth book in the project.
okay. so – here it is: killer beavers.
giant. killer. beavers.
it would probably win just on the concept alone, and on the fact that it’s not porn, even if it was a poorly-written book. but thank heavens, it is also incredibly fun! here’s the intro:
The most curious thing just happened: An entire town was consumed by beavers.
Actually, not the entire town, just all the wood in it. Only the wood? No big deal, right?
Well, you are wrong. It was a very big deal.
Can you imagine living in a house without a door? It’s terrible. Everything and everyone walks right in. There were also far fewer chairs, so people had to do a lot of standing. That is the worst. Lots of utility poles were eaten, too. Flipping a light switch and receiving no lights results in such an empty feeling.
Still doesn’t seem all that bad?
Well, while the beavers were eating the wood, they ate all of the people in the town, too.
YES!! YES!! YES!!! book, where have you been all my life??
and it’s true!! standing is the worst!!
and so is being eaten by beavers!
but there are ways to avoid being eaten by a beaver.sort of.
do not hug the beavers.
because on the one hand, awwww
and on the other hand – aaaahhhh!!
but it could be worse.
another tip is to live in a town that does not have both a shitty fire department and a shitty police force.
Did I mention that Salem Creek is quaint? For every three firefighters (which is the entire fire department), there are two policemen, both of which decided they could best be used as a blockade on the only road into town. Surely, the police force will put an immediate halt to the beaver threat. Surely.
don’t count on it. after discussing goat cheese in an offhand manner, they have this riveting exchange.
“Damn,” said Paul.
Jim turned to his companion.
“The whole damn town is being eaten by beavers,” he continued.
“Yeah, ain’t that some shit.”
don’t expect either of these departments to come through it okay.
another tip is to always have stripper shoes around. they might not ensure your survival, but they can at least help you go out with honor.
if you are a snorting LARP/MMO-geek, you might do okay, if you also are the type of LARP/MMO-geek who carries a crossbow. and enjoys running over beavers in your car.
(it’s okay – he’s just sleeping!)
Attempting to use his scientific knowledge to his advantage, Chris observed the size of the critters.
“Damn. What the hell?”
that is the voice of science!
also – do not be a hippie.
“Christian, please! I hear something out there.”
“Xani, those are our forest friends. You should invite them to join us so that they can be celebrated.
THIS IS A BAD IDEA!
also, do not feed the beavers
“Are you hungry, beaver friend?” she said while tossing some of her cracker crumbs in its general vicinity.
The crumbs just hit the beaver in the face and body, sticking to its fur and partially covering its head. It kept moving forward, ignoring the crumbs completely.
“Whoa,” Li said aloud in a worried tone.
he’s looking at you…
this is not covered in the book, but it is probably also a bad idea:
it is, truly and sincerely, an awesome book. there are explosions and everything.
and one hell of a battle cry:
“It’s… time to damn those beavers.”
so, despite one oopsie-whoopsie character name-change halfway through the paragraph, a whah-whah ending and some misinformation about gymnastics: girls don’t do parallel bars or pommel horse, and you don’t “hang on to” a pommel horse, anyway, it is the winningest winner! BECAUSE WHO CARES ABOUT OOPSIE-WHOOPSIES WHEN THERE ARE KILLER BEAVERS!
this book is free. but it is worth at least a dollar.
i sincerely urge you to read it.
