Bear in Underwear by Todd Harris Goldman
My rating: 5/5 cats
i mean—this book is getting 5 stars cats from me because i do not understand it, and i do not like the low-star ratings by people who fear this book for the wrong reasons. yes, i am the judge of reasons right now. scary, huh?? but this review is a gem for so many reasons, and its only comment kills me. i laffff.
but i understand some of the low-star reviews, i do. because there used to be a time when children’s books had a message, right?? standards. a moral. this one seems like an explosion of terrible ideas. so a bear is playing in the woods with an assortment of creatures he would most likely eat in the real world. and he does begin to get hungry. but for hamburgers and cupcakes. okay, we can accept this reality for now. but then he comes across a bag in the forest and his first impulse is “i will take it.” now, here in nyfc we have the old “if you see something, say something” campaign which of course teaches the very opposite of this book. do not pick up bags that are just laying around. if it belongs to someone, that’s theft, and if it’s a “mysterious package” bomb type thing, well, there go your limbs, little bear.
don’t touch abandoned bags. really.
so whatever, this bear does and he takes it home where all the animals (and, umm…bigfoot) are waiting for him and they urge him to open it. he displays hesitation, which might only be because he is a greedy-ass bear and doesn’t want to share the goods with his forest friends, not a sudden rush of good sense.
but he does.
and the bag is full of underwear. why is there a bag full of underwear in the middle of the forest?? they are all different styles and sizes and the first thought of course, is serial killer trophies, but the bear and friends do not seem to come to this conclusion and they urge him to try them on.
sure.
kids—do not put underwear that you find in a bag in the middle of the forest on your body.
this should be common sense. maybe not for bears, but for people. do i even need to be saying this?? so they watch him try on every pair of underwear (including the one that is “too dirty” and the one that is “too itchy” from which what appear to be fleas are springing off—you would think you give those two a pass when trying on the random underwear) so but then he tries on a pair of tighty whiteys, and they fit and he is pleased. so all the other animals, in some sort of bizarro garden of eden scenario, decide that they, too, want underwear. and suddenly they all have their own pairs. however, they are not the same drawings of rejected underwear from the mystery bag. so presumably the other animals went to k-mart or wherever and bought their own underwear rather than wearing this discarded underwear found in the middle of the forest.
smarter than the average bear.
i love this book in the way that i love crispin glover’s books. because they are incomprehensible and baffling but oddly compelling. i cannot look away, nor can i understand what this author’s intentions are. this is like several french children’s books i have read, where i cannot believe they are real. but this one is real, and not something i have drunkenly dreamed. it even has a sequel. more on that later, but before you ask, the sequel is not a cautionary tale about the scabies the bear caught from wearing found underpants..
for now—definitely check this book out—i love the illustrations even if i can’t quite follow the story’s logic or support the protagonist’s decisions.
and it’s true—the underpants on the front cover are soft. this gives me an idea…
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