Cocktastic! Colourful Cocks: Willies in Art ? a Hilarious & Naughty Coloring Book by Ella Cotton
My rating: 2/5 cats
WELCOME TO SEPTEMBER PROJECT!!
SEPTEMBER PROJECT IS OVER!!!
i misjudged the appropriateness of this book for my monthly project, too awestruck by the promise of Medieval Nuns harvesting from the cock tree and Bhutanese knob dragons & etc all for the low-low price of six dollars to research it more in-depth and realize that the 60 pages advertised is misleading. this is why i should never buy things online. there are “technically” 26 cocks in this book, with two additional pages that are colorable, but pretty weak. also, there’s a bunch of pages with the same damn picture, except one version is on a white background, and one is on a black background. booooo. so, this book won’t fill up the month, and we will all have to endure a few days without cock. which is probably healthy.
each cock in the book is preceded by a little description that teaches you all about art history. however, the pages are so thin that when you color a wang, it bleeds through onto the following wang’s description. i’m going to try to remember to take pictures of the scholarly bits before i color all the naughty bits, because we are all here to learn about art, right? to that end, i will brazenly share the lesson, but imma hide the peen behind the modern-day equivalent of the discreet brown paper bag. in other words, you wanna see some wiener? you gotta undress it yourself.
and we begin
SEPTEMBER 1
looking at this one kind of gives me seasonal allergies.
SEPTEMBER 2
this i could see as wallpaper in some nightclub bathroom. not a classy club, mind you, but i’ve never been in any of those.
SEPTEMBER 3
if you see this between a fella’s legs, run
SEPTEMBER 4
all varieties of peen: some look like clarinets, some look like shrimp, some are doing a dance, all find their home within the mandala. and greg’s mom.
SEPTEMBER 5
lazy in coloring, but who am i to mess with mapplethorpe’s vision? he didn’t want you getting distracted by the tailoring, after all.
SEPTEMBER 6
it’s a shame that you can’t tell how wildly iridescent this is; i used my metallic sharpies to make this all shiny, but guess there’s no point trying to pretty up a peen.
SEPTEMBER 7
i find this one oddly soothing. comforting. i wouldn’t mind kitchen tiles with this pattern. man, my house is gonna be so rad once i get some money. imma be the classiest girl in the cul-de-sac!
SEPTEMBER 8
here’s the cock-dragon in all its splendor! the giant testicles seem oddly angled. i worry he is in discomfort. and why are there grill marks on his peen? did someone think it was a hot dog? stay away from suburban barbecues, cock dragon!!
SEPTEMBER 9
this book is awfully precockupied with egyptian peen.
SEPTEMBER 10
this is a scene from the x-rated version of game of thrones, which i am going to call “game of bones” for now until someone comes up with something cleverer.
SEPTEMBER 11
this might be my favorite so far. i like the proud stance of the person hoisting the peen, i like anticipating the surprise that peen gardener is about to get, there’s a lot of possible stories that can be unpacked from this single image. also, that peen has an eyeball in it, which is not horrifying at all.
SEPTEMBER 12
i agree with magritte’s critique of this: ceci n’est pas un cock. way to fail to provide a cock on every page of a cock-themed coloring book. you had one job, book.
SEPTEMBER 13
old crumbly fluorescent cocks. ta-daaaa?
SEPTEMBER 14
i know i said this was my favorite before, but that doesn’t mean i want to color it more than once. also, this repeat is missing what i liked the most about the first go round, which was the story implicit in the visuals. this is just a buncha peen scattered about, like someone’s feeding some birds. who eat peen.
SEPTEMBER 15
okay, so whatever flaws this book has (and there are many) it is all worth it for letting me know that this park exists, even though the coloring book version is closer to “west village dildo store” than “best park ever.” here’s one photo, but please do google image search this place
south korea is hardly right next door, but this park has officially made the list of places worth leaving queens to visit.
SEPTEMBER 16
i’m just going to let this one speak for itself.
SEPTEMBER 17
meh. i’m getting a bit bored with this book. or coloring. or cocks.
SEPTEMBER 18
(i like how you can see so much peen bleedthrough behind this one)
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this book is all about juxtaposing birds and weenies. what’s that about, man? these aren’t even cocks, they’re like doves or something. i do not like having to color so many evil birrrrrds.
SEPTEMBER 19
and now we are firmly into the rerun portion of this book. there are about three more like this—same picture, different color background, as though this pleases anybody.
SEPTEMBER 20
her description this time feels like she knows she’s phoning it in. but if she’s just half-assing it, how are we going to excel in our half of this relationship? lead us to greatness, cocklady! inspire us to reach past what we though possible! let us brandish our brightly colored cocks and touch the sky! together!
SEPTEMBER 21
today is just a blank. since there are more days than cocks, i’m ca$hing in a free day. everything is worse than ever and i got no energy left for cocks. sorry, cocks of the world.
SEPTEMBER 22
seems all i do is color in rotating circles of cocks. usually the same cocks. this book is not improving my mood or making me feel less stressed, but it really is making me reevaluate my life choices. thanks, book! all these blue balls are for you!
SEPTEMBER 23
i guess this one’s cool-enough looking that i don’t mind coloring it a second time. i have only a medium amount of resentment.
SEPTEMBER 24
SEPTEMBER 25
let’s be honest—you have repeated the penis mandala because you are lazy and unimaginative.
SEPTEMBER 26
and this one has attacking vagina dentatas for lena!!! rarrrrrrrrr
okay, so obviously this project got away from me in a big way. this MONTH got away from me. i work overnight shifts now because that’s how much my life hates me and night is day, up is down, and i’m still trying to figure out when food is eaten and when showers make sense, and i have neglected GR and projects and reading in general most shamefully. i DID color when i was supposed to (mostly), i just got shaky with posting ’em. so here is the end of the project, in a jumbled mess quite reflective of my current mental state. but with much more peen.
so first, full confession—i totally skipped this one. i was not doing these in order, and i was saving this one for a day when i felt like committing to large surface areas of endlessly repeating shapes. which turned out to be “never.” so, never it was:
SEPTEMBER NEVEREVER
but i DID do this one, which is basically the closing credits, so it has no explanatory placard to introduce it, but it does offer the invitation let us know what you thought, to which i have responded visually.
SEPTEMBER SOMETIME
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and this one comes after the credits, so i guess it’s a little nick fury/ferris bueller how d’you do. but again—with more peen.
SEPTEMBER A DIFFERENT TIME
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so that’s it—i failed this month and i don’t even care. this book failed ME with its too-thin paper and too-smeary black ink staining the tips of my (admittedly inexpensive) markers and with its limited imagination in repeating allll the cocks. design flaws AND conceptual flaws. take a hike, book—don’t let the door hit you on the cock on the way out! although i guess you’d be okay since you have so many spares of the same damn one.
karen OUT
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