Land of Enchantment by Leigh Stein
My rating: 4/5 cats
Why do I have so many clear, detailed memories of days spent with Jason, when other memorable days of my life are so fuzzy? Maybe I never took enough care to memorize those other days. I have gone back and relived my life with Jason so many times that, in spite of all the dark and painful parts, some moments will always bloom like flowers in the fastidiously tended garden of my memory.
this book is a strong and moving exercise in catharsis, as leigh stein dissects the most defining and troubled romantic relationship of her life, which ended definitively with jason’s death in a motorcycle accident at the age of twenty-three.
although they weren’t dating when he died, and were living in different states, she had seen jason six weeks earlier when he came to visit, and theirs was one of those relationships with blurred boundaries, off and on and falling back into old patterns and into bed whenever they saw each other. however, his manic and cruel behavior during this last visit was the final straw, and leigh was relieved when he went back home and vowed that this time, it was really over.
and it was.
so determined to finally sever their ties to one another, she’d been dodging the calls that kept coming from his phone, until she finally answered one from an unknown number to learn that the calls had been coming from jason’s brother, to inform her of his death, sending her into a heartbreaking emotional whirlwind of guilt and regret and grief-stricken self-examination.
we’ve all had shitty relationships. we’ve all replayed moments from our romantic adventures that make us cringe or that still enrage us, no matter how much time has gone by. but when people die, there’s a tendency to be more forgiving over wrongs that were done to us, as part of the cleansing process of grief.
this book is a little bit of both.
it’s a bittersweet nostalgia for a doomed relationship that began, fittingly, when they met at an audition for a greek tragedy. an inauspicious start, for sure, but youthful optimism overlooks the early warning signs that keep arising to say, “this is not meant to be!” and focuses on the sweetness that follows the fighting. but it’s also a raw and honest look at an abusive relationship where the abuse is written off as passion and callousness is mistaken for charisma.
it’s a deeply confessional book, in which she speaks candidly about the relationship; both how confused and small she felt when she was in the middle of it, and what she now understands about the reality of their time together, with the perspective and insight afforded by distance and maturity. it’s really satisfying to see her confidence grow throughout the book and you wanna cheer when she finds the courage to start prioritizing her own needs instead of continuing the unhealthy habits of prolonging a relationship that just cannot work. there’s a little backsliding after jason’s death, which is that natural impulse of the living to excuse the dead, but ultimately, she’s clear-eyed and self-assured; a survivor making her own successful way in the world.
and although nothing came of this part, i was terrified when i read this sentence:
I found a woman on Craigslist who rented her guesthouse by the week. The ad mentioned goats, but I ignored that part.
famous last words, usually.
never trust a goat.
