97 Ways to Make a Cat Like You by Carol Kaufmann
My rating: 5/5 cats
welcome to march project! i chose this book because i appreciate how realistic the title is. it doesn’t promise that your cat will “love” you or suggest that anything stronger than a tepid “like” is even possible. all i want is a promotion from “tolerates the feeder” to “appreciates the feeder,” so i chose 31 of the 97 suggestions in the book. many of them are about acclimating a new cat into your life, so not helpful for me and maggie (adopt two cats instead of one! – too late), some are unphotographable (play music while you’re gone, recognize your cat’s different vocalizations, etc) some are too general (take cat to vet) some are just behavioral facts and not roads to “like” at all and some are just … no. i’m not taking maggie outside on a leash on the mean streets of queens so she can play with fireflies. and i’m not having children read aloud to her. and i’m not building her a clubhouse out of plywood and 2x4s because studio apartment. i don’t have a piano or a screened-in porch or an oscillating fan, i really doubt that giving maggie a manicure or brushing her teeth would be in any way conducive to making her like me, and some are just horrifying: doing yoga in front of her, buying sisal rugs and most insane of all:
insect heaven – Before you brush away the ants that decorate your patio or remove the cricket that hops into your kitchen, show your mighty hunter this bit of nature and watch her eyes widen and paws go to work.
yeah, i see a roach, i’m killing a roach. sorry maggie, how ’bout you go play with all the expensive toys i’ve bought you??
also – i only have a little camera, not one that’s also a phone and a jetpack and has fancy filters and stuff, so the photos are as good as i’m able. it’s frustrating as hell, because maggie isn’t awesome at posing, and so many times will blink or turn and i will miss out on a perfect, adorable, hilarious shot. but i’ll do the best i can. let march of the maggies begin!
we’ll start small
Day One: head butt – Get down on your cat’s level and rub your forehead against hers. She gets your scent and you get a soft, furry head butt.
it’s even fuzzier without glasses. in more ways than one!
DOES SHE LOVE ME YET?
Day Two: homemade puzzle feeders – Squish in the ends of an empty paper towel or toilet paper roll, and cut out holes just big enough for bits of kibble to fall out. Fill with dry cat food and rattle to pique Kitty’s interest, encouraging her to figure out how to retrieve the food. This game is good for her mind as well as her hunger pangs.(Bath soap boxes with taped flaps also make good puzzle feeders.)
i made the feeder:
and rolled it across the floor. she strolled over to it, as apathetic as a teenager
she sniffed the kibble
“you want me to eat this off the floor? did we just meet? didn’t that used to be toilet paper? not cool, man.”
attempt #2
“i have not changed my mind, human!”
no love for this one
Day Three: nice warm bed – Set a heating pad on low and invite Kitty to nap on it. This is especially nice for older cats who may be a tad arthritic.
“what is this WARM?”
“i live here now.”
i think this is love.
Day Four: cool, cool water – Put bowls of fresh, cool water in multiple locations – clean water is paramount to your cat’s happiness and health. To check if your cat is hydrated, life her skin away from her shoulders. If the skin springs right back into position, she’s in great shape.
i began my prep and she didn’t even wait for me to spread the bowls out or even to fill them all with water
and then she just went on a tour
i have never seen maggie so thirsty. i think this one goes in the “win” column, although it makes me look like a bad cat-mama – like this is the first time she’s ever been presented with water.
Day Five: batting practice – Place a bouncy ball in an unbreakable pie or cake pan, and let your cat bat it around. Or find a ball encased in a plastic, cat-proof circle (available at most pet stores)
no
no
no
no
i’m sorry, what?? i wasn’t listening.
successful
Day Six: rack ’em up – Put pennies in plastic Easter eggs and let your cat go to town.
so i got my shark-shaped easter egg and put two pennies in it. (maggie is drinking water in the background because i DO give her water)
i rolled it over to her, and she kinda sniffed at it (and i think that’s her sweet little pink tongue still licking water off her whiskers)
then she made this adorable fox-face
and said “we’re through here!” and walked away
maggie is really resisting this whole “liking me” project
Day Seven: the zen zone -If your cat is shy, let her hide under the bed or a piece of furniture. Don’t force her to come out – she’ll come out when she’s ready.
i’m not sure if maggie is shy necessarily – after all, she has FORTY-FOUR followers on instagram, which i think makes her the most popular internet cat of all time.
https://www.instagram.com/maggie.on.b…
but all of this exposure is giving her that exhaustion young starlets are always citing as the reason they withdraw from the limelight for just about the amount time it takes to go through rehab. maggie is clean as a whistle, but she’s certainly prone to russell crowe-caliber fits of temper; throwing all the knickknacks off my shelves at 4 am, scratching me when i get too attentive, expecting me to clean up all her poop and vomit…
so today we will let maggie hide out a little, safe under the bed
with only one dainty princess paw extended, waving to the crowds as they snap their pictures and scream “I LOVE YOU, MAGGIE!”
but tomorrow – aggressive loving resumes.
Day Eight: round and round – Wind up a toy top and let it spin in front of your cat. The mystery! The joy!
i don’t have a wind-up top, but i have plenty of other wind-up toys
before i even wound them up, she seemed keen on one of them
of course, with only me to wind them and take the pictures, it was hard to get them all going at once and it turned into a bit of a traffic jam and maggie had long since wandered away. i need a photographer’s assistant on this.
at any rate, she had zero interest after that first eyeball-swat, even when i sent one right at her
zoom!
this is about as involved as maggie got
so much for The mystery! The joy!
oh, well.
Day Nine: no declawing! It hurts, and leaves the cat absolutely defenseless. Ban the thought!
well, duh! without bloodshed, how would i know when she’s done being petted?
Day Ten: your trash, my treasure – Crinkle a newspaper or some junk mail, scrunch it into a ball, and toss it across the room for Kitty to bat and torture.
this is the newspaper ball
this is maggie walking away from the newspaper ball, with her typical “this does not concern me” attitude
this is maggie silently judging me for playing with this newspaper ball, trying to show her how fun it is when she knows all the coolest after-hours joints where you can have much more fun knocking things off of high shelves at 3 in the morning.
eventually, she gave it one exasperated swat, but i’m pretty sure she was just mocking me.
i think this book is broken
Day Eleven: once upon a time – Read to your cat, using a variety of voices. Dr. Seuss is particularly fun.
well, i don’t have any dr. seuss on hand because i am totally grown up and all, but i DO have a book called Cat Person, which seemed appropriate
she slept through much of the recitation
but i did find some older pictures where i was reading to her while she – again – slept through much of it. in the background is all the mess i made building a bookthrone for maggie’s instagram profile, before i realized just how tiny the instagram profile pictures were #wastedeffort.
Day Twelve: can i eat that? – Straws, especially bendy ones, are endlessly movable – and endlessly entertaining. Caps from milk gallons and plastic bottles also make fantastic preylike objects.
so i bought a ton of bendy straws in vibrant colors, and i spent some time bending and twisting and shaping them into fun and exciting shapes.
and it’s like she didn’t even notice all the effort i’d made on her behalf.
i tried shoving the pile towards her, but she was all ‘feeding now, can’t acknowledge your love.’
so i wrapped one around her tail. you know, to make her like me.
and she retreated where she thought i couldn’t woo her
oh man, so much disdain. THE BOOK SAID THIS WOULD BE ‘ENDLESSLY ENTERTAINING,’ MAGGIE! THE BOOK SAAAIIIIIIIID!
eventually she smelled one for me.
which is more than she did for that ball in the cake pan. besties 4-eva!
Day Thirteen: baby talk – Tickle Kitty under her chin, uttering “gitchy, gitchy, gitchy” or another preferred baby coo in your highest-pitched voice, which is pleasing to super-sensitive cat ears.
enjoy watching maggie get increasingly less tolerant of my high-pitched screeching.
gitchy
gitchy
gitchy!
gitchy
gitchy
gitchy!
gitchOOOOWWW!!!!!
Day Fourteen:in-a-pinch cat clubhouse – Drape a bedsheet over a few dining room chairs to make a quick fortress.
OKAY!!! here is maggie on her journey of discovery and exploration, followed by a well-earned nap.
Day Fifteen: sun spots – Make sure Kitty has a daily spot to soak up the sun by opening a shade or door. Remember: The sun moves as the world turns, and so does her sun spot.
easy enough.
as a bonus, be sure to provide a plastic jar as a chinrest. cats love chinrests.
i doubt maggie believes i have any power over THE SUN, so how this will translate into her liking me is a mystery.
Day Sixteen: brown bag it – Take a brown grocery bag, remove the handles, and cut off the bottom to make a fabulous tunnel. Cats love to explore potential hiding places.
bags!
the approach!
the piteous gaze.
maggie is totally over this project. she is praying for april to come.
DONE!!
Day Seventeen: special treats – For a special treat or reward, try meat sticks, hot dogs, dehydrated meats, or deli meats. Some cats also like a bit of Cheddar, cream cheese, or butter. And there’s always the simple act of opening a can of tuna that can trigger ecstasy.
maggie has never been into people food, with the exception of thanksgiving leftovers
but we’ll give it a try! i was eating duck soup
so i thought i would give her a little nom
look at those monster toofums!
maybe she would also like some shrimp
she ignores to the left
she ignores to the right
NO MEANS NO!
how about some carrot?
no
NOOOO
celery?
no
NOOO AGAIN
more duck?
yes!
broccoli?
almost!
more duck as a reward
maggie enjoyed this part of the project
Day Eighteen: cat eye level -When your cat is in her favorite crouch, get down beside her and observe the world through her eyes. Share your observations.
observations: from this angle, things look soft and fuzzy but i don’t get to see her sweet angry face, although i AM in a good position to kiss her little ear. not sure how this is supposed to make her like me more, but it’s pretty cozy at least!
Day Nineteen: boing, boing! – Wrap pipe cleaners around a pencil in a spiral shape to create springs. Slide off and depress them so they “boing” to your cat.
i never did get the hang of the “boinging,” and at first i was worried this was going to be another photo montage of maggie staring balefully at stuff on the ground and waiting for me to clean it up
she sniffed a couple, as anything new that is brought into the house gets sniffed as part of the “is it mine and can i eat it?” assessment
she sat on a couple
and there was some desultory swatting
but then it was like, “now what? does it come in a food version?”
i tried to demonstrate how fun it was to play with pipe cleaner springs
she was unconvinced
no? not exciting enough?
time for my secret weapon!
oh, NOW it’s fun and delicious
‘cuz sometimes you gotta cheat a little. BOING!
Day Twenty: me! me! me! – Don’t shoo Kitty away when he jumps up and plants himself on the paper you’re trying to read or the computer keyboard. He is putting himself in your line of vision, signaling that he wants your attention, so give him a loving rub or pat and a little conversation.
i give her all of those things and also built a damn instagram around not shooing her away when i’m trying to read, because this is always happening
oh, by all means flop over to cover more surface area – why confine yourself to the verso when you can also have the recto? (LGM)
more pictures of maggie being a bookhog: https://www.instagram.com/maggie.on.b…
Day Twenty-One: christmas every day – Save big cardboard boxes – like the ones so prevalent around the holidays – and turn them into your cat’s new hideout and jungle gym. Throw in a soft blanket and a treat and you’ve just created a cat heaven.
here is absolute proof that maggie is sabotaging this project. i figured this one would be the easiest one of all. LGM. i gathered many boxes
and within minutes, she came over
and smelled them
and marked them with her scent
and then … she went over and slept on the bed
so, how is this proof of her messing with me and my goals?? well, i left those boxes there for two full days and she never once clambered into any of them. and yet every other box that has ever been in this house has lasted about 22 seconds before being full of maggie
even when it was comically small
or comically large
maggie just wants to ruin ms. kaufmann’s career
Day Twenty-Two: waterfall – Turn on the tub faucet or the showerhead and let your kitty watch the water. For some cats, this is high entertainment, and perhaps a cool drink of water.
‘OCCUPIED!!’ poor maggie – never a moment’s peace…
Day Twenty-Three: ear love – Give your cat a good ear scratch. Hold your hand around the ear as if you were holding a golf ball. Move fingers in and out to ensure you’re rubbing around the entire ear. Repeat the motion on the other side.
do i hold a golf ball differently from most people? this didn’t seem to do much; the white noise of love where she was neither delighted nor dismayed and pretty much just slept through it. also not the most exciting photographs, although i tried there at the end. meh. the perfect hump-day post, i guess.
Day Twenty-Four: daily workout – Play with your cat every day for at least 10 or 15 minutes. Physical activity exercises Kitty’s mind as well as her hunting skills. If you’re gone for long periods of time, make sure interactive toys are at your cat’s disposal.
lord knows i try. you’ve seen me try! the only “toy” or “activity” maggie enjoys is ribbon, and sometimes she even finds that tedious
she is aware of toys, but would rather stick her face in the lot of them and fall asleep
or play with the bag the toys i bought her came in
ignoring both fun catnip toy and kitten bed to nap in a plastic bag
no matter how many toys i toss her way
she remains aloof. the only reason that chipmunk is there is because that’s where it landed when i tossed it. she’s not a fan of fun, although she does enjoy a strenuous game of ribbon before a nap.
Day Twenty-Five: cat burrito – Calm an anxious cat by wrapping him in a towel burrito-style. This technique can also come in handy when taking him to the vet, brushing his teeth, or trimming his nails. Or whenever you want a dose of cute.
i decided to go with the “whenever i wanted a dose of cute” option. and i used a nice soft blankie instead of a nubbly towel because i actually like my cat and want her to be comfy. okay, and i also took some liberties with how a burrito is rolled. basically, i just tucked her in like a baby.
over the course of the day, using different blankets
and then sweetening the deal by adding that heating pad
there was purring
Day Twenty-Six: biscuits for you! – Observe your cat making that kneading motion (known as “making biscuits”) that they learned in kittenhood to stimulate the flow of their mother’s milk. Imitate that motion on the scruff of her neck, or other sweet spot, when she settles down for a nap. wait for the purr.
and reader, there was indeed purring. for once. i love this cat.
Day Twenty-Seven: paper cutouts – Fold a piece of construction paper in half and then in half again. Cut out little triangles and circles at the fold, elementary school-project style. Unfold the paper and shine a light through the cutouts so they make a pattern on the wall. Move the pattern around for a wall-based constellation show just for Kitty. Reward your cat if she “catches” a spot of light. A tickle under the chin while exclaiming “good girl!” or a little treat will complete her hunt cycle.
now our home is like laser floyd!!
shoooom shhooommm
she liked it more when stars-on-walls transitioned into GIANT LASER POINTER, but the photos are mostly too dark and blurry for goodreads. but here’s one:
and happy easter!
Day Twenty-Eight: salon time – Brush your cat daily while repeating, “who’s a pretty kitty?” in your most affectionate, gentle voice. It will keep the hair balls and mats to a minimum and deepen the cat-person relationship.
i have two brushes for maggie:
one for soft soft soft brushing:
and one to really get in there:
like most things maggie-related, brushing frequently ends in swatting and bloodshed.
Day Twenty-Nine: -there’s no business like show business – Practice your best Ethel Merman impression by belting out favorite show tunes for your cat. Kitty will enjoy the stimulation and won’t object if you’re off-key.
oh, i sing to maggie all the time. and as you can see, she LOVES it:
Day Thirty: wrapped for me? – Give Kitty a present: Leftover tissue paper from a gift makes the perfect curiosity.
i set down the paper and waited for her midmorning nap to be over
at first, she was very unimpressed:
eventually, she gave it a try
and allowed me to give her a tissue paper makeover
a reward for both of us
Day Thirty-One: floppy cat – When your cat goes boneless directly in your path, she needs a little attention. This is the perfect time to reward her with her favorite kind of petting – behind the ears, under the chin, even on the stomach, if that’s her thing.
an anticlimactic ending, but i have run out of room here AGAIN, and i wanted to take the opportunity to say ‘thank you’ to everyone who came along on this wonderful journey before i get cut off. i have many photo-outtakes from additional things i tried from this book so maybe i will post those later in the year, for a different monthly project, but for now maggie would like you all to leave.
thanks for being a part of this grand adventure! bye bye!!
read my book reviews on goodreads
