Jurassic Jane Eyre by Carrie Sessarego
today is charlotte brontë’s birthday!
to celebrate, not only did i read this book tiny story in which brontë’s most beloved character goes back in time to have sexxytimes with a lady t-rex, but i also made this book list over on riffle!! check it out!
i’m not sure if i can legitimately count this story towards my “read one monsterporn a month” goal. for one thing, it is not dirty enough. much like Jane Eyre. for another, it has been edited and fact-checked, with a numbered list of “scientific disclaimers” at the end correcting the literary liberties taken with both the coexistence of specific dinosaur species and the idea that anyone could be “turned” gay. not to mention the fact that the heroine breaks the unspoken agreement of all monsterporn everywhere, being jejune enough to utter: None of this is biologically possible!
true, but more importantly – none of this is in the spirit of monsterporn.
and that makes my job here very difficult – if there’s no dirrrrrrty stuff to giggle at, and no unintentionally funny editing gaffes, what’s the fun in reviewing it? the story itself is fine, enjoyable – an occasionally *intentionally* funny, cute replanting of JE’s plot points into dinotimes, but dinoromance is much less fun than smut and it makes me less inclined to go out on the GIF hunt that these reviews generally inspire.
this is a good intro to monsterotica for people who are curious but who also think daytime soaps are more than steamy enough. fans of Jane Eyre needn’t be scandalized by this, either, as jane is as [insert whatever word you use to describe jane eyre that is likely kinder than what i would choose] as in the source material:
At last one night, the moment came when Edwina asked me to be her mate. I was stunned. Yes, she had flirted, but I could not believe that she could be thinking of a serious relationship with a puny mammal such as myself. “Are you mocking me?” I cried. “Do you use my heart as your plaything? I am no compsognathus, and no mighty predator jaws entrap me! I am a warm-blooded mammal with an independent will!”
although “rochester” is somewhat different here, and i would say – made more attractive by being a big-ass lizard with ladylizardbits:
“Yes, my darling,” crooned Edwina, “You are…” her eyes glazed a bit, “sooo…warm…blooded. Be mine, darling. Be my mate. Only you can bring me happiness. Don’t worry about the fact that my private parts are so huge that you could drive three buses through my lady cave, sideways. What is size and species differential compared to a love like ours? I need you, my love! Be mine!”
“Yes, Edwina!” I cried, weeping with joy. “You are not only a T Rex — you are a female! But I can no longer conceal my ardor, despite my previous preference for human men and my considerable confusion about how our parts can ever be compatible. I am yours!”
i like Jane Eyre just fine, but i like it despite its characters, not because of them – jane’s a wet blanket and rochester’s a boring goober whose big romantic move is to dress up like a gypsy. between that and his disproportionate response to a woman’s mood swings, he’s never been my romantic lead of choice. but a t-rex? pretty awesome.
so, regrettably, i didn’t get to do a deep-dive monsterporn review this month, but april is the cruelest month and all that, so we endure it and get to may, when all will be set right. as far as monsterporn goes – i make no promises for the world beyond its borders.
