I Work at a Public Library: A Collection of Crazy Stories from the Stacks by Gina Sheridan
My rating: 5/5 cats
oh, the library…. temple of knowledge, keeper of tax forms, friend of new arrivals to the country. plus, free bathrooms, and your taxpayer status ensures you the right to be there, so it’s pretty hard to be kicked out, even for some really crap behavior.
although i have my masters in library science and am technically a librarian, i have never had a paying gig as one. i volunteered at a library for a summer – conveniently located near a methadone clinic – and while i did see some things there i cannot unsee, i never got to experience some of the horror stories collected in this book. but i certainly paid my dues on the sales floor of a bookstore, and really appreciated the books i have read collecting the horrifying experiences of booksellers, and i even contributed a story to one of them. so this book makes a great companion piece to this and this, and offers a window into how the other half lives – having to smile politely when a patron announces – I’d rather do two hundred million things than listen to you. or “help” the man who calls up and asks the librarian to list all the titles by john grisham – slooowly – while he is clearly masturbating to her recitation. or discovering and tossing the vomit-covered sweatshirt draped on the shelves into the trash and then having to deal with the patron when he calls back asking if it has been turned in to lost and found.
it’s a fun collection – i love that she separates the chapters by using the dewey decimal system, for example, chapter one is 004.16- computers. such a cute little library-nerd touch. and why yes – there is a website for this! here: http://iworkatapubliclibrary.com/. but before you go over there, whet your appetite with some of these tales!
now, i am no computer genius, it must be said, but i think even i would look like a tech wizard compared to these people.
E-mail, Dirty Rotten
A woman waved me over to the computer she was using.
WOMAN: Yeah, how do I make it so my dumb ex-boyfriend can’t email me?
ME: I can help you with that. Are you signed in to your e-mail now?
WOMAN: I don’t have an e-mail yet.
ME: You don’t have an e-mail account?
WOMAN: Nope.
ME: Well, he can’t email you then. And if you do sign up for one, you don’t have to give him the address.
WOMAN: That’s good. That’s how I want it! He’s a scoundrel!
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Death, Screen of
GUY USING THE COMPUTER: I keep getting the blue screen of death.
ME: Sir, that’s the desktop.
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United States, Google Versus
A man approached the checkout desk with a request.
MAN: I want to use one of your public computers, but could you please disable Google on it?
ME: Pardon?
MAN: I do not believe in, nor trust, Google. They are taking over the United States.
ME: I see. Well, I can’t disable it, I’m sorry. But you don’t have to visit the site if you don’t want to.
MAN: That’s not good enough.
ME: Come again?
MAN: I refuse to use the computers if Google is on them.
ME: Okay.
MAN: —
ME: —
MAN: —
ME: Enjoy your day!
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there are some stories to which i can definitely relate. this is one of the funnier ones in that category – the wonderful world of homophones:
Eunuchs, The Everything Guide to
PATRON: I am looking for a book on eunuchs, and it has to have lots of pictures, because that’s the way I learn best.
ME: So you need a book with illustrations. Should this book explain the history or culture of eunuchs?
PATRON: Um, no. I need it to take me step-by-step through the process. And I need lots of pictures so I can follow along.
ME: So you need a manual? On eunuchs? Is there any particular stage of the process you are concentrating on?
PATRON: Well, I’m just starting out, just the basics of how it works. How to write the code, you know?
ME: OH! You’re looking for an illustrated manual for Unix!
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or unfortunate handwriting
Name, It’s All in the
A patron approached the desk looking for an article for a class.
PATRON: I need the article “How to Talk about Sex” from The Family Anal Editions.
ME:[Taken aback.] You need what?
PATRON: [Handing me her class syllabus.] “How to Talk about Sex.” It’s from a publication called The Family Anal Editions.
ME: [Looking at paper.] Oh! You need Annual Editions: The Family. Annual. Not anal.
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or parents who think they know best, but clearly know nothing:
Biographies, Christian
PATRON: [Gestures at son.] He doesn’t like to read, but he needs a biography. It has to be more than one hundred eighty pages.
ME: Do you know if autobiographies count? Hole in My Life is a pretty engaging story.
PATRON: What’s it about?
ME: well, Jack Gantos is a Newbery-winning children’s author now, but when he was a teen he ended up in jail.
PATRON: [Snatches book out of my hand.] No. No. Absolutely not. I want something Christian.
ME: Well, uh… he learns a lot from being in jail and ends up being a writer who doesn’t commit any more crimes.
PATRON: What about Anne Frank? Do you have anything about Anne Frank? He’d like that, right? It’s got trapdoors and secret passages?
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oh god, or these people. people who lie about service animals are up there with litterbugs on my shit list. bolgia eight for you, douchebags.
Dog, Service
I noticed a woman carrying around a shih tzu in the library.
ME: I’m really sorry, but we only allow service animals inside the library. People could be scared or allergic.
WOMAN: But look how cute!
ME: She sure is! But remember for next time, okay? It’s our policy.
WOMAN: But…but…she’s a service dog.
ME: [unconvinced] Oh?
WOMAN: Her service is being cute! [Lifts the dog up and kisses it on the lips.]
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and the number of times this has happened to me is also disturbing. every time i was called “hitler” or “a nazi” or “a fascist” always made me want to walk these people over to the history section to drill a little perspective into them. forcefully.
Calling, Name
One evening, it was proving to be quite difficult to get a few of the patrons heading toward the door at closing time.
ME: Ma’am, is there anything else we can help you with today? We are about ready to close up but we’ll reopen tomorrow at nine A.M.
WOMAN: You are a book nazi!
ME: A book nazi?
WOMAN: That’s right. [Throws up her hands and walks out.]
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but then some of the examples make me wonder if i am actually the person in the story! whether it is the me from now-and-always:
Everything, Ruining
A disgruntled woman approached the desk.
WOMAN: I cannot believe the nerve of some people, dog-earing the pages of the books! Do they think they own the books? I think you should give a bookmark to every single person who checks out a book. I mean it. They are ruining everything! I will help make the bookmarks if that’s what it takes.
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or the me from christmas past, which would now be biting the hand that fed me, invisible or otherwise:
Books, Electronic
WOMAN: Yeah, I’m not interested in e-books. They will be the end of the library. Why would I want to help shut down the library?
ME: Actually, e-books are offered by the library, so we are happy when people check them out. We want people reading no matter what the format. Does that make sense?
WOMAN: But… aren’t they invisible? I don’t even know where they are.
ME: I can show you if you like.
WOMAN: I don’t have time for invisible books when there are so many real books to read.
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or this one! is this me?
Birthday, It’s My
I happened to be in the lobby when a pink-haired woman walked in the front door, ripped some library event flyers down from our bulletin board, and threw them in the recycle bin.
ME: [calmly] Why did you do that?
WOMAN: I was heppin’ you out. And it’s my birthday, so get out of my way. [Exits the library.]
okay, just kidding – i would never do that, although she does earn points for recycling rather than littering. and i did look awfully cute with pink hair.
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sometimes, there’s just nothing you can do but shrug, and while i learned in retail how to deal patiently with people who were just bewilderingly dense (shut up, greg!! most of the time i was VERY patient), there are times when the best thing to do is back away slowly because there’s no way to respond that’s not gonna come out sounding like sarcasm.
Hurry, In a
A man was anxiously waiting for our fifteen-minute express computer to become available.
ME: Sir, there are some other computers open – would you like to use one?
MAN: No, thanks, I’m in a hurry and I need an express one.
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December, When Is
A patron came in to the library to renew some overdue items
PATRON: Do I have to pay the late fines?
ME: Yes, the items were late, so you have some fines.
PATRON: Oh, well I didn’t know when December started and you guys didn’t tell me.
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Case, Just in
A man asked me to look up an address for him. When I found it online, I offered to print it out but he declined.
MAN: I’ll just write it down. Do you have a pencil?
ME:[Hands him a pencil and a piece of scrap paper.]
MAN: [Writes address down, then flips the paper over.] I’m going to write it here, too, so I have a backup.
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Number, Personal Identification
A man walked up to the desk to ask what the PIN associated with his library account was.
ME: It looks like your PIN is twelve seventeen.
MAN: [Looking utterly confused.] I have no idea why I would’ve chosen that. Can you change it to one two one seven?
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here are two sides of the same situation involving people who just don’t understand how things work in this world, one of whom is just a dummy, and one of whom is clearly an asshole. i have dealt with both, with varying degrees of grace.
Sale Books, Checking Out the
A woman approached the checkout desk with three books she’d previously purchased from our book sale.
WOMAN: Yes, may I return these?
ME: What? No. Why?
WOMAN: Well, I’m done with them now. If you can’t give me my money back, can I go trade them for three more sale books?
ME: What? No. That’s not the way it works. That is the way library books work, however. Why don’t you check some of those books out and return them when you’re done? Then you can get some more.
WOMAN: Oh, okay.
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Disgust, Anger and
A woman came to the desk with a look of anger on her face.
WOMAN: You hardly have any sale books over there. What the hell am I supposed to do?
ME: [Smiling] I’m so sorry we don’t have a lot of sale books right now. We do have many, many, many free books. [Gestures at the stacks.]
WOMAN: [angrily] Ugh!
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this one i am blaming erica for. when libraries start having CHOCOLATE FOUNTAINS, the patrons can hardly be blamed for upping their expectations of what the library will provide. thanks a lot, erica!
Margaritas, Library
A sweaty patron walked up to the desk on a very hot day.
PATRON: Where is the margarita machine?
ME: [chuckles] That’s funny; it is hot out there.
PATRON: [Stares at me with a straight face.]
ME:Oh, did you think we had margaritas? Did someone say we had margaritas?!
PATRON:[Keeps staring.]
ME: I’m sorry. We don’t serve margaritas at the library.
PATRON: [Turns around and walks away.]
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i remember well the staggering number of people with no self-awareness
DVDs, Too Many
A man came to the desk with a stack of DVDs in his hands.
MAN: I don’t think you should carry so many DVDs in a library. More books would be better.
ME: Well, we offer many different things for many different people. Would you like me to put those away for you?
MAN: No, I’d like to check them out.
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or appropriateness-filters, although i admit, i am pretty enchanted by this story, in my laughter-bits
Snakes, Don’t Like
An elderly woman came into the Youth Services department one afternoon to check out some Bible stories for her Sunday school when she noticed the model rattlesnake on top of our cabinet.
LADY: Is that a snake?!
ME: Yes, but it’s just made out of brown paper.
LADY: Good. I don’t like snakes. Not because they’re slimy, but because they’re not. The feel muscular [whispers] like a man’s penis.
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and although this may read like a mad-libs-gone-wrong to those of you who have never worked a job that forced you to rub shoulders with the public, i assure you, i could have written something similar using my own experiences. people be cray.
Snapshot, Library
The following is a conversation I overheard between a librarian and a coworker.
LIBRARIAN: Did you hear that that lady Sheila freaked out at our public printer yesterday?
COWORKER: Who’s Sheila? Is she the one whose husband peed on the chair?
LIBRARIAN: No, she’s the one who got into a fight with that lady Mary one time. You know, Mary is the one who puts up all the mirrors around the study carrel so she can see if anyone is spying on her.
COWORKER: Oh, I know Sheila. She’s the one who wanted to use our meeting room to hold church services for magicians.
LIBRARIAN: No, no, that’s Debbie. She also got into a fight with Mary though. Sheila is the one with the throat tic who doesn’t ever use Print Preview.
COWORKER: Aw, man, I know that lady…
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wait, what?
Not Firing, Hiring
A man called me over to help with the computer.
MAN: Can you help me with this job application?
ME: Sure. What’s the problem?
MAN: Do you know if this is a good place to work? My friend says they’re hiring, but do they fire people there?
ME: Well, probably.
MAN: Oh, never mind then. I don’t wanna work there if they’re gonna fire me.
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wait, what 2?
Screwed, Completely
WOMAN AT REFERENCE DESK: I want a book but I only know the title. Am I completely screwed or what?
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this one also feels awfully familiar. there were times i was just astounded by the tunnel vision of customers:
Merchandise, Library
MAN: Do you have any library merch?
ME: You mean like this book bag we have for sale?
MAN: No, I mean like books.
ME: I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you mean.
MAN: Do you have books here?
ME: [Opens arms in the direction of the stacks] Yes.
MAN: Thanks, I’ll look around.
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and yet, somehow, it is much cuter when a kid does pretty much the same thing:
Books, Library
KID: Does this computer have games?
ME: That’s a catalog computer. You use it to look up books the library has.
KID: Where are the books?
ME: Look around you!
KID: [Turns away from the computer, notices the rows and rows of books, gasps in awe.]
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and now, before i get a reputation as being an old softie who thinks kids are cute, this one flat-out cracked me up:
Calling, Name (Redux)
ME: You have an overdue item.
PATRON: What is it?
ME: Charlotte’s Web.
PATRON: [Turning to seven-year-old daughter.] You turd.
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oh, and the entitled snowflake people. i miss these people the least.
Taxpayer, But I’m a
WOMAN: There is no way i’m paying my late fee; I’m a taxpayer.
ME: [Scanning her card.] Let’s take a look at your account, okay? All right, it looks like you returned one book one day late, so you owe twenty-five cents.
WOMAN: But I’m a taxpayer, and I’m pretty sure I’ve paid more than twenty-five cents to the library.
ME: No disrespect, ma’am, but everyone who has a library card is a taxpayer. Look, you don’t have to pay it today if you don’t want to.
WOMAN: I’ll never pay it.
ME: Okay, bye-bye. Thanks for coming in.
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i will leave you with this.
Tooth, Missing
A man was waiting in line by the front desk. I noticed him cough and then gag a little. He then spit something out of his mouth. A small tooth landed on the carpet.
MAN: [Without blinking an eye, picks up the tooth, puts it in his pocket, and looks up.] Can I get some help with the computer?
now go be nice to a librarian.
