How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters: Fight Back When Monsters and Mother Nature Attack by Andrew Shaffer
My rating: 4/5 cats
i read this book 2 years ago, and neverever reviewed it. it was so long ago that the comment thread is full of friendly conversation between myself and people who have since blocked me, making it a historical relic of a most delightful conviviality. in the interest both of shark week and of getting my “to be reviewed” pile down to more acceptable levels, i will FINALLY review it, if my shaky (sharky?) memory (and my nostalgic tears) permit.
this is a really fun and silly book for fans of animal-attack syfy movies, full of winky references for devotees of the genre and many practical tips should you find yourself starring in a real-life syfy movie, like how to tie sharktopus tentacles into a knot. the advice is both specific:
Don’t stare directly into a beeclipse – Not only will you go blind…you’ll go dead.
and more general:
Wear sunscreen – While this won’t help ward off a pteracuda per se, it is sensible advice nonetheless.
it also offers some handy definitions/contexts for people who might have been too busy doing Big Important Things with their lives to sit down and marathon these fine films.
A dinonami occurs when a megatsunami wipes out a dinosaur island and washes the creatures onto the mainland.
i mean, duhhh, right? everyone knows that.
there are many chapters, each explaining what you are likely to encounter during such events as a bataclysm, a whalestrom, a stonehenge apocalypse, a redneck gator, and even a piranhaconda!
each segment also includes tips on how to avoid putting yourself into such a predicament and how to survive if you have disregarded those tips, as well as an at-a-glance reference box with a scale of how devastating such an event would be, how likely it is to occur and where, and information about who should be most wary of the situation. for example, in a dinonami, high-risk groups include Eccentric Billionaires and Mathematicians in Leather Jackets.
so beware.
since we are celebrating shark week, here are all the sharky creatures covered in this book:
DINOSHARK:
GHOST SHARK:
SHARKTOPUS:
SWAMP SHARK:
(note to internet—you need more animated gifs of swamp shark)
this is a really fun book, and it is surprisingly well-detailed. there is much to discover within its covers, and there’s even a handy filmography at the back, in case you missed any of these films while you were out raising your kids or something. the situations aren’t all pulled from the films, which opens the door for future possibilities, some of which may include:
Wolverinah (Wolverine + Cheetah)
Flying Sea Wasp (Jellyfish + Wasp)
Snapping Taranturtle (Snapping Turtle + Tarantula)
Rhinosaurus (Rhinoceros + Tyrannosaurus rex)
Mangoose (Human + Mongoose)
please, syfy, please give me a mangoose…
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