Rode Hard, Put Up Wet by Lorelei James
My rating: 1/5 cats
i am probably going to spoil huge chunks of plot in this review. and i am okay with that. there is no way anyone is reading this book for the articles. this is just about the frequent and inexplicable intercourse between some bipolar couples and their friends.
oh, bodice ripper club, the things i read for you.
people seem to love this book/series. and i don’t want to rip on a beloved series, so let me just say right here that i am completely the wrong market for erotica. i don’t get hot and bothered by it, i tend to approach it too analytically, and attempt to find reasons for the characters’ actions, and that is just completely not in the right spirit. but i can’t help it – writing is very important to me.
and carter just might be the stupidest male lead i have ever read. “wait, so it’s not okay that i painted all these naked pictures of you for my show without your permission??” “wait, so you don’t think it is an appropriate surprise that i bring you my best friend to fuck??” “it’s okay if i call you “mine,” though, right?? mine mine mine??? girl?? mine??? and now i can go to your place of employ, “stalk you against the wall,” and then throw you over my shoulder and carry you off in front of everyone like you are my captive squaw and ima stick my gigantic cock up your bum? we’re cool, right?” “it is okay if i shoot whipped cream all up in your “hot pussy,” right? there’s no sort of medical reason that this would be a bad idea, right? is sexy?”
gross.
there is a lot of gross here. the threesome-as-surprise-gift is squicky-gross. and then it is mirrored in the other couple? fool me once…it is not a good valentine’s day present, if your thoughts were headed that way. sex is sex – it can be fun and meaningless, but if you have been “in love” with someone for two years, and you have finally talked yourself into her bed as a business arrangement (which entire scene made me upchuck a little), and after two weeks or- god even less i think – you are already bringing in a pinch-hitter because you think it is what she wants – well, that is some weird definition of love, buddy. next time, just try flowers. NO DON’T PUT THE FLOWERS THERE!!! a vase will be fine.
erotica just always makes me laugh.
“Good, girl. I’ve got plenty of lube, but no guarantee I can fuck you slow once I’m buried balls deep in this sweet, untried ass, understand?”
i mean – erotica’s purpose is to make the reader aroused, and to transport themselves into the action of the story, right? to make them want to be the, not heroine – what’s the right word for this character – umm sex toilet? but it is just not working, for me. i am untransported. cunt clit hot suck lick balls fuck fuck fuck blah blah blah. bring all the ropes you want, shove all the dildos into all the butts, have a dream about gay cowboys… i just can’t become aroused by this. i am too busy laughing. sex is so weird. do people really say “christ on a crutch” in the middle of first-time anal? how can you take a lover seriously who says “get me wet with that hot fuckin’ mouth.” i would be giggling about that the next morning over eggs florentine or something. “heh heh – that hot fuckin’ mouth. you tool.” i am a shitty lover.
oh, god, and the weird bossiness. actual quote followed by what would be a reasonable response, in this scenario:
“Lift up.” He tapped her butt. In the split second she raised her hips, he grabbed her thighs to slide her closer to his torso and draped her knees over his shoulders. Carter raised her ass high in his hands at an angle as he buried his face in her pussy.”Omigod.” The only parts of her still touching the ground were her shoulder blades and the back of her head. “Hold still. Jesus, let me have more than a taste before I drop you.”He licked up her slit, alternating the flat of his tongue with just the flickering tip. Then he fastened his mouth to her clit and began to suck. When her whole body shook, he slapped her ass and growled, “Hold still goddammit. I’ve been dyin’ to get my mouth on you.”
WELL, THEN YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PUT ME IN THIS FUCKING POSITION, YOU MORON!! DIDN’T YOU READ THAT THE ONLY PARTS OF ME STILL TOUCHING THE GROUND (AND THANK YOU FOR THAT – THE FUCKING GROUND – REAL FUCKING CLASSY) ARE MY FUCKING SHOULDER BLADES AND THE BACK OF MY HEAD??? CAN WE NOT GET SOME PILLOWS UP IN HERE??
seriously – someone props me up like that, they better be strong enough to follow through and not complain like a bitch that i am moving. you got a problem with motion? go fuck a corpse, asshole.
i don’t know what else i can really add to this. if you like erotica, you will probably like it, because there are many many many scenes of hot kinky sex. but the plot that ties it all together is threadbare and nonsensical. and the characters are just terrible humans who deserve a passel of STDs.
