Great White House 2: Billary Bites Back by Christoph Paul, Arthur Graham
My rating: 4/5 cats
“ISIS Sharks of Singularity!”
this one is even better and weirder than the first volume, although it is very misleadingly titled, as Great White House 2: Billary Bites Back has nothing to do with the white house at all. but it DOES feature politicians and genetically-modified sharks, as well as a most dangerous game-situation taking place on trump island where trump,
president jinping,
putin,
and yoweri museveni
have gathered to rub their palms together villainously and hunt celebrities, kidnapped for the occasion and released into the wild, including jennifer lawrence, kobe bryant, and larry david.* trump is pleased to provide the entertainment:
“These are your primary targets, gentlemen,” he proudly proclaimed. “Athletes, singers, annoying comedians, actresses, geniuses, the stars from the Predator films, and everyone on Shark Tank.”
some of their intended victims are easy marks – what villain worth his salt isn’t gonna be able to hunt down stephen hawking?? but the predator alums should make for wilier prey. except maybe adrian brody. i could probably hunt that gawky mofo myself.
it’s racist and sexist and homophobic and vulgar, and what’s not to love about that? there are porn stars and cenobites and x-men powers and cocaine and condoleezza and omarosa and ray kurzweil and nukes.
but the real treat is the action taking place on a cruise ship called the Jailbaiter, filled with millennial douchebag buzzfeeders, where president hilary clinton and her husband take refuge along with a cough syrup-swilling t-pain
flo rida
pitbull
and the incredibly heroic DMX
“Yo ass been saved by DMX”
so heroic is he that he deserves TWO pictures
this book is full of memorable lines
–“I must fuck that shark to save the world.”
–Their entire office became a blood bath of shredded emails and human flesh.
–Her stomach felt a bit upset by all those bikinis and breast implants she’d swallowed, but there was still enough room for the rest of the humans on that ship.
-from the mouth of bill clinton: “This scotch is aged nice and smooth,” he said with a wry smile. “It’s almost like drinking myself.”
–J-Law knew she needed to form a group of two alpha males and one smart nerd.
–“Drink this corpse water if you want to live.”
–“IT’S NOT SHARK POOP THAT’S COMING!”
–“Where my dogs at?!” DMX asked himself existentially.
–“I LOVE BEING A SHARK, HONEY. I KNOW IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE WE’VE BEEN INTIMATE, BUT I’M GONNA EAT YOUR PUSSY AND THEN YOUR WHOLE BODY.”
and a memorable supporting cast, including
and although sarah palin does not appear in this book, it seems a shame to waste a perfectly good gif
so, if you are looking for sharks that actually attack the white house, this might not be the book for you, but if you want to see carl wethers talk about stew again
this is where it’s at!
also – the deaths of many people, some of whom even deserve it.
*fun fact – when i was looking at the cover of this book, before reading it, i thought to myself, “is that bernie sanders??
