Baller Bitches Part 1 by Joy Deja King
My rating: 3/5 cats
BALLER BITCHESSSSSSS!!!
okay, so. baller bitches. i read this at the insistence of monica! , as part of some “does this milk taste bad to you?” game of cruelty. i did her bidding. and here we are.
now read mine.
this book has a lot of buts in it. not butts, like hbo has butts
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but like a flummoxed child has buts.
observe:
But it was worth taking a low salary if it meant working under the queen herself or so I initially thought. But I quickly found out that the reason Darcy was able to be so cool, in control and look on point was because she delegated the work to everybody else and it freed up her time to mingle and be fabulous. But I also figured that was why her turnover rate was so high, because her employees would get burnt out and quit.
and
A part of me wanted to give into my pain but I refused to but it was becoming more and more difficult.
and
“I apologize that it took me so long to get over here but that director had so much to say but it was all good stuff.”
as you may have noticed in the passages above, there are also some liberties taken with punctuation. here’s more!
“Listen, I’ve known Blair since I was a little girl. She’s had a tough life and her boyfriend isn’t exactly helping her self-esteem but you know what she really is talented. I’m not just saying that because we’re close friends it’s the truth. If I can help her make it then I will.”
and
No, that motherfucker wouldn’t have me set up or would he? He doesn’t even know I’m supplying drugs to the streets or does he? Man the questions were spinning around so fast in my head I was getting dizzy.
but baller bitches are too busy to stop and consult grammar girl, so we can excuse them their lapses.
but what abut their lapses in logic? can we excuse those?
I prayed that Rico had nothing to do with the robbery but if he did, everybody involved was going to wish they left me for dead.
okay, i understand that you would not want to learn that your baby daddy was involved in robbing you of 100 grand (a pittance, to a baller bitch), but i feel like someone robs you at gunpoint, whether or not your ex was involved, you wanna get your payback. none of this “if” bullshit. that is not the conditional clause of a baller bitch!
and can we forgive the terrible relationships??
“I can’t make it to the concert tonight.”
“Why not?”
“An important meeting had to be rescheduled for later on tonight and I know it’s going to run late.”
“You can’t reschedule it for tomorrow morning instead.”
“Did you not hear me use the word important?”
“It seems everything but me is important to you.”
“Really, Blair. Are you about to bore me with one of your tantrums? I came here to see you and let you know I couldn’t make it tonight not to listen to you complain.”
“Wanting to spend time with my boyfriend is complaining? I haven’t even had the chance to talk to you and let you know all the great things that have been going on in my life lately.”
“I’m sure it’s nothing that I would be interested in.”
“You’re so cold.”
“I’m not cold I’m honest. What could possibly be the highlight of your day…getting your hair colored? Buying a new pair of shoes, bag, and dress. Like I said nothing interesting.”
“You really don’t believe in me at all. I’ll never be good enough for you.”
“We’ve already established that so why are you even bringing it up and making it a part of our discussion.”
how does that man still have all his teeth?
so she finally gets the idea to leave him, and this conversation ensues:
“What are you doing?”
“I think it’s pretty obvious.”
“Blair, stop being dramatic and stop packing. We both know you’re not going any where.”
“You don’t get it. I’m done, Michael! You’ve been cheating on me for I don’t know how long and besides that you’re not even interested in my life.”
“What life…you don’t have a life. Your life consists of me taking care of you and I do a very good job doing so.”
etc etc etc
“Here’s the thing, Blair. Darcy and any other woman are irrelevant to our relationship. You are my woman and as long as you’re my woman you’ll never have to want for anything. But what you won’t do is question me. Know your place and stay in it. If you would just follow that simple rule our relationship would go a lot smoother.”
more fighting and then…they have sex. intercourse. bonings. because what’s hotter than someone who is really dismissive and anti-comma??
and even that goes shittily.
“Oh, baby I’m about to cum!” I cried out.
“I know,” Michael stated staring directly in my eyes before pulling out.
he proceeds to finish himself off and take a shower, leaving her unfulfilled. but not before this conversation takes place:
“Why do you do this to me?”
“Because I love you.”
“This isn’t love. I don’t know what to call what we have but you don’t love me.”
“Yes I do. If I didn’t I would let you go.”
oh, dear.
luckily, there is one baller bitch in this book who manages to thrive. she meets a nice young professional basketballer (BALLER!) and i think it is on their third date, and before they have had any naked times, that he buys her an apartment. okay, he doesn’t buy it for her, that would be crazy. he just selects it and pays for the first year. i mean, who hasn’t been there, right? it’s an investment.
“I want you to stay here. I figured within a year we’ll both know how far we want things to go in this relationship.”
well played, (basket)baller….
but this book isn’t all bad. there is a special guest appearance.
STRINGER BELLLLLL!
(FYI – one of the automatic GIS prompts is “idris elba no shirt.” another is “idris elba body.” GIS definitely has its priorities in order)
i mean, what more is there to say?
lots, but i want to make sure you have something to look forward to when you read this yourself.
and the ending?? wow. just, wow. a complete shocker, i don’t mind saying. i think this is where veronica roth got all her ideas for Allegiant
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