Dark Eden by Patrick Carman
My rating: 1/5 cats
i am amazed at the high ratings for this book. flummoxed. gobsmacked. bewildered. forlorn. horrified.
if you are new to karen, let me give you some background. i used to be really frownyfaced at the number of adults coming into the store looking for teen fiction. i run the adult fiction section, and i used to take great pleasure in telling grown women, “twilight?? why, that is in the children’s department.” i used to be amazed that so many women in their thirties were reading books intended for fifteen-year-old girls. i used to bemoan this phenomenon. not that i was some literary elitist – i wasn’t reading super-challenging literature, but i was at least reading books that were age-appropriate and i could not understand why so many people were into YA lit.
and then i took a YA readers’ advisory class for school because i loved the professor and i quickly realized that contemporary YA can be really excellent. it can be sophisticated and it can tackle difficult subject matter and it can be stylistically challenging and have a character-depth that is impressive even when compared to literature intended for adults. (and i think we all know i am not talking about twilight here)
this book. this book was more or less what i considered YA lit to be when i was busy sneering at it.
and maybe this book is intended for a younger-than-teen audience. i might be completely off-base here, and if that turns out to be the case, i will delete every nasty thing i am about to say about this book and write a more careful, reasoned review for a book directed at, say 8-year-olds.
but for now – is bad. is very very bad.
here be spoilers
i don’t even care at this point if i give things away, because i am just so confused as to why anyone would like this book. this book is already spoiled simply by existing, so for me to share plot points that are particularly bad seems fair and balanced. i will avoid giving away the final twist buahahaahahaaaa, but the rest of it is fair game as far as i am concerned.
you have been warned.
plot: so it starts out fine. will besting is at his psychiatrist’s office, from whom he has been frequently and surreptitiously downloading files both his own and those of other patients when she leaves the room to make tea or whatever. when he learns that his parents have agreed to send him away because his deep pathological fear is best handled at some sort of retreat for other pathologically-terrified kids, he finally listens to the files to better understand what he is getting into. he also reads the files about the “camp” itself. he learns things. seeecret things. when he and the other kids get shuttled out there, he breaks away from the group and hides out in this underground bunker which is outfitted with monitors on which he can see the proceedings, as each child is “cured” of their own personal worst fear. he is skeered of the place, but continues to hide and to watch.
characters: so there are 7 teens who are all life-stallingly terrified of one particular thing. will knows each of their fears, because he has listened to their session tapes. because he is a douchebag. but we don’t learn his fear until later. you wanna know what is is?? View Spoiler » not even kidding. most of the characters don’t even matter because they are so shallowly depicted that they are interchangeable. but there is one…marisa, who is important because our creepy will develops a crush on her after hearing her audio tapes. yeah – the ones where she is crying and recounting her deepest darkest secret fears. that’s evidently what makes him interested in a girl. and he uses information he has learned from the tapes in order to woo her. View Spoiler » ugh. okay. where was i – characters. yeah – there aren’t any. they are all just shadowy outlines that are really only placeholders for their fears. yawn.
“writing:” okay so let me just groan about a couple more things. there are footnotes. in two different places. like “ooh, it works for DFW, it can work for me! there is no reason why these things need to be footnoted and not just part of the main text. but isn’t it cool to have footnotes in a book? doesn’t that make the reading process a richer experience and really call the reader’s attention to the act of reading and engaging with the text??
yeah, maybe in a better book. in this one, it is just irritating. this ain’t house of leaves.
there are also pictures and maps and stuff, like this is an epic fantasy novel or something. looks like padding to me, buddy.
OOH, I HAS DISCOVERED CUT AND PASTE!!
so as he is watching each of these kids be cured on the monitors, hiding out and eating energy bars and engaging in this absurd voyeurism – because he isn’t even trying to save these kids, when he thinks this place is creepy and dangerous, he is just watching like this ineffectual jimmy stewart creepazoid – what a guy! but so every scene is the same. kid goes into a room, each one a different color, puts on a wired helmet, and is confronted with their worst fear/memory, which will also gets to see. these scenes are all nearly identical. the names have been changed, but the scenes are the same. cut and paste, cut and paste – forever and evers.
and then: PLOT TWIST!!
and then: PLOT TWIST AGAIN!
and then…some boring wrapping-up of loose ends. sort of.
OH DID YOU THINK THE BOOK WAS OVER?? NOT SO!!
because then there is a section called “observations” in which the character of will (not the author) goes on a tour of “DID YOU SEE HOW CLEVER THIS BOOK WAS??” town. the first section is fine – it is just speculation about how this all could have happened…and why…
but then. oh god, it pains me to even write about these parts.
so then – there is a section that i shall call: “oh my god, are my literary references showing?? how embarrassing!!” where the character (again – not the author) goes into this lesson about the colors of the rooms and their meanings. HINT: they are a reference to an edgar allan poe story!! and the character gives a little literary criticism exercise about why those colors were chosen and what the deeper meaning was to the plot of the book the thing that he supposedly lived through. (where is seth meyers when you need him??)
and then – another section! where steinbeck’s the pearl and kobo abe’s the woman in the dunes are discussed, (both having been name-dropped in the text) where the character talks abut their significance to the plot the thing he just experienced. and then the names of characters people he has met are discussed, along with their literary significance. WHYYYYY??? why is the character talking about this???
THIS IS WHY GOD INVENTED AUTHOR AFTERWORDS!!!
and then there is another little snippet and by this point, i was so wrung out, i could only laugh. oh, dear. why in god’s tall towers does anyone like this book??
last saturday, i watched skyline and i thought to myself – “that was the worst movie i have ever seen.” and now i know who would be perfect to make the film version of this book.
you can go to that site if you want to download the app for this book. yeah, the APP. there is some sort of interactive version of this for your little devices. you know, if you don’t want to read the damn thing. go look at the website. there was clearly more care and imagination going into the creation of that than of the book itself. jeebus.
i did not like this book.
