The American Association of Patriots Presents: How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety by Zachary Auburn
My rating: 3/5 cats
…if there is one hard-and-fast rule on this topic, it’s this: under no circumstances should you provide your cat with a gun equipped with a laser scope, as your cat is likely to be more interested in the dot it makes than in the deer, burglar, or communist in their sights.
i wanted to love this SO BADLY! i saw the first part of this collection in zine-form at quimby’s in chicago,
but i was already buying too many books on that trip, so i regretfully left without it. when i saw this on netgalley, i thought, “book angels DO exist!!” and clicked it immediately. i’m not sure if all the chapters in this book were published individually, but i found at least two of them available separately:
and maybe that’s a better way to appreciate them, instead of reading them all back-to-back like this, because, like dave foley, BOY, did it get old fast. it’s a collection of parodies of those ultra-conservative pamphlets, warning cat-parents about the issues their cats will face in their day-to-day lives, topics such as gun safety, evolution, abstinence, online safety, drugs, puberty, post-apocalyptic survival, and satanism.
the rhetoric is spot-on:
Citizens who cannot handle a gun safely are as irresponsible and useless as citizens who do not own a gun at all. Americans and their homes are under attack. It is impurrative that, in order to ensure the future security of our country, every man, woman, child, and cat be able to defend our nation against the enemies of democracy.
oh, and that’s another thing – there will be puns. so many italicized puns. “now” becomes “meow,” “paws” becomes “pawse,” “moment” becomes “meowment,” there’s “pawsitively,” “catastrophe,” “purrfect,” “procatstinate,” “prepawsterous” (or, alternately, “purrposterous),” “furget,” “mewlitias,” “purrtriot,” “amewsing,” “furocious,” “purroblem,” “purrpared,” “mispurrception,” “purrtect,” “purrecipice, “furment,” “furget,” “purrvent,” “mewraculous,” “purrspective,” “furminist,” etc etc etc etc
it’s truly punishing. and yet, they miss a few opportunities, which is just as jarring to a reader as encountering all the italics in the first place. you come across “repercussions,” and you find yourself backwards-copyediting it into “repurrcussions,” and it really messes with your mind.
the book is structured as a Q and A, covering all the important touchpoints:
Wait, does that mean that I shouldn’t allow my cat to use a gun while hunting?
No, of course your cat should have access to all the weaponry our Founding Fathers risked their lives to guarantee us, whether it be a simple Beretta 9mm or a fully automatic AK-47. However, if your cat is going to use a firearm for hunting, it is important to make sure that they are properly licensed, that they do not fire the gun within five hundred feet of a residential neighborhood, and that they understand the importance of wearing a highly visible orange hunting vest. Furthermore, since cats are color blind, it is advisable that you mark the vest in some way so your cat will be able to tell it apart from any other non-orange vests they own of a similar cut.
i enjoyed the first chapter, which is the one about gun safety, but the book taken as a whole was like being hammered over the head relentlessly by the same joke, diminishing my enjoyment. i even took a few days off in between chapters to reset myself, once it became clear that it was going to be the same tone, the same puns, without nuance or deviation.
it’s not terrible, just a little samey, and cat photos can redeem most books:
the evolution (or rather, evilution) chapter was a little weak. the presentation of the gun safety one was pretty spot-on in terms of arguments actual gun enthusiasts use to make their points, but this one was a little more tinfoil hat in its delivery, so it was less amewsing as parody (see how contagious these puns are?):
Most of the people you encounter who advocate for the lie of evolution are nothing more than brainwashed sheep, blindly parroting the lies spoon-fed to them by Hollywood Jews and an unholy coalition comprised of elements from the United Nations, European Union, the Rothschild family, and the Bilderberg group. It is a cabal of some of the wealthiest and most powerful men in the world. They recognize no God but themselves. They prefer birds or fish as pets, and therefore hate cats.They view America as their enemy. They seek world domination, and see our democratic union as a shining beacon of hope to those who might resist their tyranny. It is they who would undermine the Christian faith that is the backbone of America, who would weaken us with gun control legislation, who promote the declawing of cats as acceptable, and who would cull our numbers through Obamacare’s mandates for forced abortions on white citizens.
this is more like a transcript of a crazy subway preacher than a parody of conservative propaganda. although i appreciate the warning about the “deceitful tweets of birds.”
captioned: Above is a depiction of the inevitable nightmare that awaits our great nation should we fail to teach our cats about evolution and creationism.
and there’s some pretty convincing logic here:
Cats and Fossils
Evolutionists try to claim that the fossil record proves how old something is, and that the deeper we dig, the more basic life-forms become. They will tell your cat that because feline fossils are found in the upper layers of rock, this means that they evolved only recently. However, there is a simple explanation for this that is completely compatible with both the story of creation and Noah’s flood. Cats hate to get wet, so it stands to reason that when it started raining leading up to the flood, cats sought to escape the rising waters. They probably ran away to higher elevations, and then to the tops of trees. In this way, “simple” life-forms that can’t run away, like grass and protozoa, would have been the first to drown, and therefore be buried in the deepest layers, while all the cats hiding in trees would have been some of the last animals to succumb to the floodwaters and become fossilized. And if your kitty needs any further proof, this explains why cats today have such an affinity for climbing trees!
the abstinence chapter is where it really started to go off the rails for me. while it is mildly amusing to see pbs (the Purrnographic Broadcasting Station) nature specials featuring animals during mating season called out as “smut,” and cautions such as Your cat may act distracted or sleepy, or may even leave the room when you bring up the subject of sex…It is common for cats to feign disinterest in an attempt to cut a conversation short, or even to pretend that they are unable to understand English. You must not give in to these tricks!, the rest of it – the idea of cats saving themselves for marriage, the image of cats taking the pill or wrestling, opposable thumblessly, with condom wrappers (which proves, of course, that god doesn’t want cats to use birth control), the sins of spaying and neutering, the dangers of cats wearing flashy collars, inviting sexual attention, just weren’t working for me on a humor-level. although the idea of kitty hell being a fiery waste where they will be tormented by barking dogs, bottomless squirt bottles, and pieces of tape stuck to the pads of their feet was worth a giggle.
the internet one is pretty straightforward – warnings against cybercriminals and identity theft, online gaming, driving while texting, pornography, cyberbullying by one of the evil, traitorous birds who spy on America for their European overlords…. it’s not particularly imaginative. however, there is one part worth calling out:
Why are so many cats posting pictures of themselves on the Internet? Should I be worried about my cat doing this?
The phenomenon of cats taking pictures of themselves, or “selfurries,” has become one of the most popular activities for cats to engage in online. To their owners, such behavior may seem silly, self-indulgent, or even vain. But selfurries are not necessarily a bad thing! Eating disorders and body dismorfurrya are at record levels, largely due to our cats being exposed from kittenhood to unrealistic standards of cuteness in the media. From the centerfolds in Cat Fancy to the stars of cat food commercials, modern kittens are inundated with images of feline beauty that are almost impossible to achieve. The taking and sharing of selfurries can act as a way for your cat to bolster their self-esteem, get support from their friends, and foster a healthy cattitude about their appearance!
However this doesn’t mean selfurries aren’t without risk! You should speak with your cat about exercising caution with regard to the pictures they take and with whom they share them. Over 60 percent of kittens reported feeling pressure to take risque, or even naked, photos of themselves on at least one occasion. Even if your cat trusts that the cat they’re sending their selfurries to won’t share them, what about the cat’s friends? What if a bird swooped down and stole the cat’s phone while they weren’t looking? There are countless Web sites on the Internet featuring cats whose innocent selfurries have been collected by sex perverts* for their own titillation. And once a picture has been shared on the Internet, it cannot be removed. The best rule of thumb is to teach your cat never to take a photo they wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing with the whole world.
onto drugs. kitties, just say “no” to catnip! observe this horrifying before-and-after photograph:
here are some warning signs that your cat may be abusing catnip:
-Does your cat act as if they can hear noises that aren’t really there?
-Are they running around the house for no reason?
-Do they meow loudly at strange hours?
-Does it seem as if they’re sleeping a lot?
-Are they being secretive or suspicious?
-Are they frequently irritable or violent?
dude, my cat must be SO HIGH!
but it’s a real problem, as we learn …accidents involving intoxicated cats were the seventy-eighth leading cause of motor vehicle fatality in 2013, skyrocketing up from eighty-first in 2012.
it’s food for thought.
the puberty segment covers bullying, body changes, masturbation, sexting, kitty porn, video games, homewsexuality, etc. where we learn that
Going into heat is the cat version of getting a period; essentially, it’s how God punishes girl cats for Eve’s sin in the Garden of Eden. Just like a human woman, cats in heat will behave in erratic or irrational ways as their brain becomes addled with female hormones.
i will most assuredly be speaking to maggie later about the “devil-inspired madness within her.”
as far as masturbation goes, Some cats excel and redirect their sexual energies toward Jesus and being good, hardworking citizens, whereas others fail and want nothing more in life than to bat at their genitals as if they were a ball of yarn.
which proves that cats do not know how to masturbate at all and should probably be given lessons in how to do it right, because that just sounds painful.
and what would conservative propaganda be without a little lesson in tolerance?: If your cat tells you they’re gay, or even if you suspect they are, it’s important to let your cat know you love them – no matter what – even if Jesus won’t because of their horrible sins.
the last two chapters, on post-apocalyptic survival and satanism, are pure crazytown and feel discordant from the previous topics.
the post-apocalyptic survival one kind of addresses this disconnect:
Teaching my cat these skills seems like a waste of time. Are we really in danger of witnessing the collapse of civilization?
Most undoubtedly yes. History has reached a tipping point. Our great nation has been gravely weakened from eight years under the reign of an Islamo-socialist führer who seeks to poison us with chemtrails. The global financial system teeters on the brink of ruin, pushed to the edge by the greed of the Reptilian overlords of Europe. Meanwhile, the climate machines of the Illuminati, operating out of a massive underground complex beneath the Denver airport, have set our planet on course toward irrevocable ruin.
again – more paranoid prepper in tone than a garden-variety right-wing rant.
although i do appreciate the continuation of the “birds are evil” theme, because they’re just awful.
Don’t be afraid to expose your cat to the worst the world has to offer, including those agents of our enemies – birds. Educate your cat now about how horrible birds are; otherwise, later you risk birds’ teaching your cat a lesson of their own…a lesson in murder.
and there’s good, practical advice to be extracted: Instead of presenting your cat with a toy mouse to play with, have your cat bat around the iodine tablets he’ll use to purify tainted water. Rather than having your kitten chase around a laser pointer, teach her how to hotwire an abandoned car.
and finally…satanism. basically, satan is everywhere, in every form of entertainment, lurking around every corner.
worth noting:
Wicca is merely watered-down Satanism, luring foolish young women with liberal arts degrees into lesbian covens where they worship a goddess and their menses…Overwhelmingly, Wiccans are angry, lonely feminist spinsters, and therefore likely to own lots of cats – cats they indoctrinate with their heathen propurrganda.
here’s another handy checklist of warning signs, this time to determine if your cat has become involved in the occult:
-Has your cat started keeping odd hours? Perhaps they sleep all day and are awake all night? If so, watch out! Nighttime is the Devil’s time!
-Have you noticed a recent change in your cat’s eating habits? Many kitties who have become ensnared in the occult will avoid foods they previously enjoyed and instead demand to be fed meat from animals killed by a silver knife in a moonless night,
-Does your cat seem uninterested or actively reluctant to attend church?
-Does your cat seem unusually angry? Do they nip at your hand when you try to rub their belly, squirm to get out of your arms when you hold them like a baby, or seem resentful when you dress them in adorable outfits?
cats are also routinely possessed by demons, but it’s hard to pinpoint the presence of a supernatural invader:
At the end of the day, all you can really do is look deep into your cat’s eyes and ask yourself if the twinkle within is from the light of Jesus or the fires of Hell.
i’m pretty sure i know what maggie’s twinkle is all about, and it does not bode well for me.
so, there are some chuckles to be had here, but i recommend reading this in chunks rather than in one sitting or it’s all gonna blur into paste.
* NOT, oddly enough, purrverts.
