One-Star Reviews: The Very Best Reviews of the Very Worst Products by C. Coville
My rating: 3/5 cats
It wasnt tyrone
i mean, obviously, the natural impulse here is to give this book one star in order to be considered for inclusion in any later editions, but i can’t tarnish the scientific accuracy of goodreads ratings just ‘cuz i wanna be famous in a book.
this is very medium-grade humor. it’s actually less funny than it is a horrifying peek at “this is what humans are like.”
some of the reviews selected are serious, which makes them very sad, and which in turn makes ME very sad, like when i read the comments on youtube videos or reddit posts (all spelling/grammar [sic.]):
THE PRODUCT:
Hopscotch Technology BOB The Screentime Controller
THE REVIEW:
I think its the worst device ever. You take away childrens rights. It is also a scam! The people who make this device also make toys for kids to play outside with. All they want you to do is force your kids to play outside with the toys they make.
THE PRODUCT:
iRobot Roomba 550 Vacuum Cleaning Robot
THE REVIEW:
I was so fond of my Roomba I talked to it like it was my pet – now I feel as if my pet died and the company doesn’t seem to give a hoot.
and some are trying too hard to be funny, which makes me sad in the way people trying to be funny and failing make me sad.
THE PRODUCT:
Astronauts
THE REVIEW:
i dont want to die in space
and some just remind you that people are, as a rule, a pretty horrible invention; rude and racist and self-centered and truly bad at spelling:
THE PRODUCT:
Hooters Restaurant, Culpeper, VA
THE REVIEW:
…I was not satisfied with her figure at all. I am a lonely guy and when I go out I expect to see some double d *** and a J LO ***!!!
THE PRODUCT:
Hasbro Ouija Board Game
THE REVIEW:
this doesn’t work at alll think it was a waste of money I tryed it so many times NOTHING shacking my head … im so mad… I really thought it wud work but notttt< idk if u want u can buy it .mayb u have luck but I wudnt bye another EVER AGAIN
and there were some where i just want more information/context please. no, please:
*After searching everywhere for pajamas for my husband to wear in our christamas photo we found these and were so excited until 10 min into our photo shoot the front of the pants completely ripped out.
* My father caught fire mysteriously at this place and I would NOT recommend that you take your loved ones to this horrible place.
and of course, many gave me horrible retail flashbacks
I dont like Vromans and I have a valid reason. I only go to bookstores to read their tabloid magazines for free! I usually buy my books online since its way cheaper. Anyways, Vromans has ALL their magazines on racks outside in front of their store. First of all they don’t provide tables (outside) for you to read. Secondly, the attendant outside is always glaring at you if you start flipping through a magazine for more than five minutes.
i’m not really clear where some of these reviews appeared, or where one goes to review “astronauts” or “gerbils,” or “the 1990’s,” or “leonardo dicaprio.” i see the photo credits in the back, but not always where the review appeared originally.
some are legitimate complaints – roach infestation at a hotel, grammatical errors on a bumper sticker, a hotel toilet not attached to the floor, a waiter dropping a plate in full view of the diners and just sliding the food back on and serving it…
but one-starring a dvd because you returned it after learning a family member had already bought a copy or one-starring bubble bath because your child was afraid of the bubbles or one-starring a hotel because a couple in the next room was having loud sex is just ruining things for everyone. online reviews are meant to be authoritative! trustworthy! completely unbiased! one-starring a butterfly conservatory with a review Only go if you like butterflies or saying, of Game of Thrones, They dwarf was annoyingly short for my taste. And they all acted like they were from the medieval times makes consumer reviews seem like just a bunch of idiots yelling about stuff!
except for this one:
THE PRODUCT:
The Hunger Games
THE REVIEW:
I was looking forward to this movie for months and have read through the books going on 3 times … The ‘fire’ if that’s what you even want to call it, that was suppose to engulf Katniss’ wardrobe was the lamest excuse for fire I have ever seen. It looked like a cheap production trick.
which the editor has commented upon thusly:
“Why didn’t they simply set Jennifer Lawrence on fire? Cheaper and more realistic.”
dial back the snark, editor! i mean, i wouldn’t ordinarily suggest we light jennifer lawrence on fire, but it’s no lie that that was some weak-ass fire:
it’s sad when 80’s movies are kicking your ass in the special effects department
’nuff said.
but i apologize for that editor-bullying (in online terms, where “bullying” means “disagreeing”), so here’s one time when the usually-unnecessary editor commentary actually made me laugh.
THE PRODUCT:
Holy Bible: Precious Moments, Pink
THE REVIEW:
i am disappointed with the bible …. the whole point was to get a king james bible and this clearly is not. what a waste of my money.
“It’s just not right when pink Precious Moments Bibles don’t feature the somber linguistic grandeur of the seventeenth-century King James translation. It’s like they’re not taking religion seriously”
agreed.
there are a few one-star book reviews for you nerds, including my friend michelle’s review!!
and then these
THE PRODUCT:
If You Want Closure in Your Relationship, Start with Your Legs: A Guide to Understanding Men
THE REVIEW:
When I bought this book my hope was that it was written according to God’s word. There was very little that really gives God glory.
THE PRODUCT:
THE REVIEW:
I just couldn’t get behind the idea of alien dinosaurs coming to wipe out earth…
THE PRODUCT:
Love (German Edition), by Stephen King
THE REVIEW:
This book sucks, it is written in German, like the last three books I bought from Amazon.com. If I read German I might like it, but I don’t, hence the reason for my opinion.
THE PRODUCT:
THE REVIEW:
… there’s a point where the dinosaurs are showing some vampires a PowerPoint presentation.”
(which actually makes me want to read it, honestly)
in the “where can i get one?” category:
THE PRODUCT:
Organism Pen Holder Sexy Ass Bum Butt Girl Toy Novelty Funny Gift Joke Present
THE REVIEW:
My wife bought this for me as a gag gift. I hate it for so many reasons. it came from china in styro-foam wrapped in tape. (worried about cancer)
and the “why are you so hard to please?” category
THE PRODUCT:
Fire Dragon Figure
THE REVIEW:
Make believe. Just wasn’t very exciting and EXTREMELY overpriced!
and the “this is why we have signs” category:
THE PRODUCT:
Sala Spa Massage, Phuket, Thailand
THE REVIEW:
took a oil massage, didn’t expect a guy to do the massage for me…what a turn off…
and the “you should be one-starring your kid” category:
THE PRODUCT:
My Size Darth Vader Figure
THE REVIEW:
My in-laws took my son to the toy store and my son picked this toy. It’s extremely useless…It simply stands there. It’s a complete waste of money.
and the “best day to work in customer service” category:
THE PRODUCT:
Sonic Alert SB1000 Sonic Boom Alarm Clock
THE REVIEW:
this was advertised as a vibrating alarm, but did not come with vibrator and seller could not provide vibrator.
and the “you may have a point” category:
THE PRODUCT:
The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
THE REVIEW:
It isn’t even courageous enough to admit that it is a gay love story.
just remember – a tattoo is forever – make sure everything is how you want it before they start with the needles.
but know that sometimes even the most thoughtfully-considered items will disappoint
i will leave you with this one, which was apparently written by a fucking juggalo:
THE PRODUCT:
The Dairy Bar & Bistro, London, United Kingdom
THE REVIEW:
…the cocktails we started with were great … My son was getting agitated, crying etc, he does this when he is hungry, so I began to breastfeed him. The manageress came back with our brandies and just looked at me, disgusted…how could another woman try to make me feel ashamed about doing something natural?
