Fuck You, Stephenie MeyerFuck You, Stephenie Meyer by J.E. Tobal
My rating: 3/5 cats
One StarOne StarOne Star

okay, this is misleading. when i downloaded this, it was free. now it is 99 cents. this disqualifies it from the “free nook book project.” sorry, j.e. tobal…

i will write a review of this tonight, hopefully. for now, please enjoy these reviews from

Posted March 14, 2013
Revolting and insulting. Stephanie meyer should sue for defamation.

2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

and, even more humorous for its misspelling and its mastery of language:

Posted March 24, 2013
Stephanie Meters should sue for insulting her on a public thing!

1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

this is not a parody of twilight. this is a work that discusses many dangers: the danger of girls who want to give blowies on the first date, the dangers of not listening to strangers in bars, and most importantly, the dangers of getting sucked into the pop-cultural zeitgeist that portrays vampires as sweet and sparkly kittycats who are willing to cuddle up asexually and delight the hearts and lower the guards (but not the panties) of young girls instead of taking the opportunity to show them the dangers of the real world.

especially the dangers of semen vampires.

don’t laughit’s a serious threat.

while blood vampires are busy roaming the mean streets of oregon, here in nyfc we have a rash of semen vampires, and if you give or receive four blow jobs from the same person in the same session, YOU ARE AT RISK!

and in case you were wondering, that is exactly what you think it is in the cupped hands of the cover-model.

and the narrator hates stephenie meyer for misleading an entire generation of girls into thinking vampire = ♥. because he has come under the sway and power of a semen-vampire. and it sucks. it sucks a lot. it sucks to have the hunger for semen in you, especially when you have always self-identified as a straight male! sucks sucks sucks.

sucks enough to throw a fit in one of the finest buildings in the entire city:

In the middle of the Barnes and Noble at Union Square, Matthew threw a hardcover copy of Twilight across the room.

“Fuck you, Stephenie Meyer!” he screamed out as the book sailed across the hall. Patrons gazed at him with open mouths as they watched a display of board games and bookmarks tumble to the ground. “Who says vampires are all love and romance and horseshit, you fucking cunt?!” He yelled out to whoever was nearby.

Before security could escort him outside, Matthew voluntarily left. However, before he did, he walked up to one, particular security guard and screamed out, “Stephenie Meyer is a fucking hack who’ll burn in hell!”

Needless to say, Matthew never returned to Barnes and Noble at Union Square.

leaving aside the fact that we call them “customers” in a bookstore and “patrons” in a library, and there are no “halls” in that store (unless you mean the bathroom hall. which, okay). but leaving apart that, i cannot say this sounds very far outside the realm of possibilities, and am inclined to dub this book nonfiction. it would not surprise me to find out that this incident occurred in fact, and so that means that semen vampires are real. so watch out. no more that three blowies with strangers, okay?? this text should go a long way towards making teen celibacy a reality.

and it even sounds like stephenie meyer in parts:

Matthew eventually started talking to another bar regular named Evan. This guy, however, was much different from sweet, little, Allison. For example, there are those that might have considered Evan gay. This was sort of unfair. Anyone who thought that Evan was gay probably also thought Burger King sold burgers. Which, unless you aren’t following what I’m trying to say, meant Evan was very gay. He was really, really, really gay. Evan was so openly gay, that a lot of gay men were actually offended by how gay he was. Like when a super slutty girl walks into a club and all the girls who forgot to wear underwear that night suddenly look at her and say “Damn, what a slut.” That was Evan. Gay, gay, gay, gay.

sound familiar?? edward: beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
sparkle sparkle sparkle.

it’s a shame that this has been disqualified from the project because it combines the writing of twilight with the sexxytimes of fifty shades, and so it should have been a shoo-in.

hope you spend that 99 cents well, author…

read my book reviews on goodreads

Click to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Amazon Disclaimer is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon properties including but not limited to,, or,,, or


this feels gauche, but when i announced i was starting a blog, everyone assured me this is a thing that is done. i’m not on facebook, i’ve never had a cellphone or listened to a podcast; so many common experiences of modern life are foreign to me, but i’m certainly struggling financially, so if this is how the world works now, i’d be foolish to pass it up. any support will be received with equal parts gratitude and bewilderment.

To Top