Beautiful Disaster by Jamie McGuire
My rating: 2/5 cats
I know we’re fucked up, all right? I’m impulsive, and hot-tempered, and you get under my skin like no one else. You act like you hate me one minute, and then you need me the next. I never get anything right, and i don’t deserve you…but i fucking love you, Abby. I love you more than I’ve loved anyone or anything, ever. When you’re around, I don’t need booze, or money, or the fighting, or the one-night stands… all I need is you. You’re all think about. You’re all I dream about. You’re all I want.
okay, well i understand the disaster part…
and if i am honest, i can see how some readers would find this beautiful. i, personally, find this relationship one of the most toxic ones this side of gone girl, but i can see how someone who is young, inexperienced in relationships, and possibly living somewhere a little sheltered would see this as terribly romantic.
“It’s just me and you against the world, Pidge.”
i know i talk about wuthering heights like it’s the only book i have ever read. but i just keep coming back to it because it serves as a template for so many of these all-consuming passionate love stories. the first time i read wh, i was fifteen, and i didn’t have the life or relationship-perspective i have now. and reading it at that age, all i saw was heathcliff. this dark brooding man who loved enduringly with all of his being, and i sighed and thought, “how romantic.” i didn’t see what a bitch cathy was or how heathcliff’s love for her was terrifying – i only saw the capital r romance.
and then as my sphere of experience grew, i was better able to see what was really happening, and how they were both terrible, selfish people who only became their best selves when they were together; everything else they touched, they destroyed. their love is a horrible, destructive thing, but it is theirs, and it is the only one that will ever work for either of them.
a wuthering heights-type relationship, when situated on the isolated moors, in a time where communication with the greater world was essentially nil, makes sense. in a modern-day setting, where women have options… it just doesn’t.
but i can understand why a reader younger than myself would read this relationship as passionate instead of unstable. and having been in a relationship with someone with a jealous side and someone else who was prone to dramatic and violent acts in the name of love (of the room-destroying variety, not any hitting of me, dad), i understand that willful blindness that can interpret a room-trashing in a flattering light, and is attracted to the unpredictability and the demonstrative aspects of a passion that oversteps acceptable social mores. it is exciting to be able to elicit such a response in someone, no?? it means they care, yes? i’m old enough now to find it childish and wearying, but i get it, i do.
but i still can’t see travis as a love-interest. i hold grudges. and i am capable of forgiving, but i never never forget, and i have always had a sort of overdeveloped sense of my own worth, and have filtered out potential lovers who threaten my dignity. these, to me, are deal-breakers:
1) man barges into the bathroom while you are showering. not post-coitally, or even once a relationship has been established, but who has opened his doors to you out of “kindness” because you temporarily do not have hot water at your place. not cool, travis. bad host.
2 ) man sleeps with half the females on campus and dismisses them with an ass-smack in front of you. this diminishes you as a potential love-interest, or even an intercourse-interest. no one wants to be a headboard-notch.
Travis rounded the corner in a pair of boxer shorts and yawned. He looked at his guest and then patted her backside.
“My company’s here. You’d better go.”
She smiled and wrapped her arms around him, kissing his neck. “I’ll leave my number on the counter.”
“Eh…don’t worry about it,” Travis said in a casual tone.
“What?” she asked, leaning back to look in his eyes.
“Every time!” America said. She looked at the woman. “How are you surprised by this? He’s Travis Fucking Maddox! He is famous for this very thing, and every time they’re surprised!”
and this is from girl who still wants her best friend and travis to be together. some friend. a sane person would automatically eliminate him from the dating-pool.
3) will not take these women into his room or bed – he sleeps with them on the couches in the communal area of the apartment. dude, people have to sit on those to watch t.v.! it is just selfish and discourteous to the people with whom you live, and it is a very telling indication of your lack of respect for your conquests.
4) childish displays of displeasure like travis trashing his room after abby leaves without saying goodbye. again – i understand how this can translate into a mystique of uncontrolled emotions and exciting dangerous elements, but it’s just – no. use your words, travis.
5) emotionally underdeveloped and erratic. before abby, travis was all love-’em-and-leave-’em with this very studied and disingenuous posturing. not a spoiler, but a long passage that you may or may not want to read:
View Spoiler »SO many things wrong with that passage. SO many. and this scene is exactly one page before that walking in on her in the shower scene, where he goes through her luggage and brings her the things he thinks she will need for her ablutions. and despite that explosive scene THAT JUST HAPPENED, her reaction to this is, after the initial reasonable reaction of “get the fuck out, you perv,” is He was thoughtful and almost nice when he wanted to be.
which is moronic, but the point is that even though he has lived that casual sex lifestyle and been disgusted by the women who put out “too eagerly,” once he and abby get together and he becomes the redeemed beast to her beauty, he becomes soooo clingy. which – once a woman has foolishly succumbed to your bad-boy charm, is a complete bait-and-switch, and no one wants that, even without all the other bullshit.
6) evidence of protection or no, sleeping with a different woman every night of the week is just a dangerous guy to hook up with.
7) watching her sleep. again, this is excusable once a relationship has been established, but when people are platonically sharing a bed, it is uncomfortable at best.
i realize i have not gone into much plot detail, so some of this probably makes no sense, but i’m already afraid i am going to exceed the space allotted to write this review (or response) and i figure most people bothering to read this have either 1) read the book or 2) have already made up their minds not to, so it’s what i’m doing.
other bullshit things travis does:
vagblocking abby’s flirtations with other men while being himself a manwhore, like bringing home two women one evening to intercourse while abby is waiting for him in the bedroom, is unacceptable. right, because it’s other guys who treat women poorly and he’s just looking out for her best interests.
taking drinks out of her hand and throwing them
telling her to change before they go out in public because he doesn’t want other men looking at her when she is looking sexy. again – they are not together at this point. oh, and she changes. dumbass.
dragging her out of a car when she comes home from a date with another guy
“Why did you do that?” I asked.
“Why? Because he was mauling you in front of my apartment!” he yelled. His eyes were unfocused, and I could see he was incapable of rational conversation.
I kept my voice calm. “I may be staying with you, but what I do, and who I do it with is my business.”
He flicked his cigarette to the ground. “You’re so much better than that, Pidge. Don’t let him fuck you in a car like a cheap prom date.”
right. let him fuck you on a couch. is classier. god, none of these characters have any self-awareness. travis in this and other scenes, and abby in most of her scenes. there’s a lot of this:
why do people think i am dating travis?? is it because we walk around campus holding hands or with our arms around each other and he has stopped flirting with/bedding other girls and i sleep in his bed?? that’s just because we are friends! and i lost a bet!! i can’t believe everyone is talking about me like i am a slut just because i sleep in one guy’s bed while publicly dating another boy. i’m a virgin for goodness’ sake! and i don’t like it when women say bad things about other women (me), even though i have spent most of the book judging the girls that travis beds and calling them clueless bimbos. i’m a virgin with a virgin’s disdain for other women’s expressive sexualities but no one has the right to talk about me even though i am behaving like a complete tease. (not an actual quote, but an unauthorized synopsis)
in college, sure, i slept in many beds of boys and girls platonically, and not because of any bet, but because it was all innocent puppy-piling after raves or parties or whatever (feel free to just glide over the word “rave.”) but never with someone i knew was into me, because i am not cruel, and i never embraced that casual nudity thing, while these two act like a long-married couple in this weird sexless domestic arrangement and then act surprised when something is made of it in gossipville.
more bad behavior:
dragging her away from a date in order to drag her to one of his fights because he needs her there. “no, parker, we are not involved, but imma just leave this date you are paying for to go watch this guy with a reputation for sexing every girl beat some guy bloody for money, mmkay?? call me!” (again, not an actual quote)
throwing her over his shoulder and forcibly removing her from a party, throwing her in a car, dragging her home, coming very close to taking her virginity (consensually it must tragically be noted) even though she is seeing someone else, but then – is too sensitive even in his drunken lust (mcguire wants you to read it as “love”) and so all the before with the manhandling and kidnapping is erased/forgiven.
forbidding her to leave his house when she asks him to let her out of the terms of the bet. because she has principles, and she can’t just welsh on a bet, even if it becomes potentially dangerous and is ruining her relationships
waiting for her at the front door when she is out on dates, opening it as soon as she arrives to i guess establish dominance and prevent that goodnight kiss?
He leaned in, seeming flustered. “I’ll kill him if he touches you.”
“I like him,” I said, emphasizing each word.
He seemed stunned at my confession and then his features turned severe. “Fine. If he ends up holding you down in the backseat of a car, don’t come crying to me.”
again, because other men are threats to women.
beating someone up on abby’s tacit command
saying things like: “I’ll end up in prison if I hear you slept with someone else.”
that whole cafeteria scene where he jumps on the table and sings and everyone joins him in song like he’s some hero even though this is the same cafeteria where he unceremoniously dumped a girl from his lap who smart-mouthed america (the character, not the country) and beat a boy severely who smart-mouthed abby. again – deal-breaker for 1) embarrassing and foolish public display and 2) manic episode contrasted with violent episodes a huge red flag for bizarre impulsive behavior.
getting a tattoo of abby’s name. or the (stupid) nickname he chose for her at first sight. okay, this is hypocritical for me to point out as a warning sign because i have one, and i got it about nine months into the relationship, because he was hurt that i was going to see an ex’s show, so on the way to the show, i popped into a place that advertised “haircuts and tattoos” and got a tattoo of his name on my marriage-finger, and when i got home and showed it to him, he was understandably freaked out, because who does that? but he was pleased at the gesture. story told to show that: people do stupid things when they are young, and jealousy can be normal and rational and not lead to broken mirrors. and that was 13 years ago, and he still lives with me, so.
but i can comment on his other abby-inspired tattoo, which is another deal-breaker for me. the one that says, in hebrew: I belong to my beloved, and my beloved is mine. leaving aside the fact that he is not jewish, and there is still some jewish cultural discomfort regarding tattoos, it is just another personal bugbear: people who get tattoos in languages not their own and with which they have no personal connection.
which view i expressed aloud one time to an ex , forgetting that he had this tattoo: 
which is the japanese kanji symbol for “musician” (or it might just be “music” but this is the one i remember him having, so he probably just fucked up, which is why we don’t get tattoos of these things in the first place, hmmm??? and – clearly it wasn’t a deal-breaker in this case. whatever) which resulted in wounded eyes and me having to do some quick verbal jazz-hands, because i am terribly indelicate and bad at relationships. but still – i think it is dumb. co-opting a culture to be “cool” is just the opposite.
but enough about “why i wouldn’t date travis” which is neither here nor there. this book is just bananas, in so many ways. characters are oblivious about their own feelings and the feelings of others. america is inconsistent with her wanting abby to be with travis and her warning her away from him. the poker/mafia subplot is laughable whose only narrative excuse is that it supposedly broadens abby’s character and attempts to plant the seed that she isn’t as clueless as she appears, and has been using secret ninja poker face this whole time and maybe the prey was the predator all along, and after the reveal, she is suddenly a different person, and travis is in awe of her and suddenly the power is in her hands. but it doesn’t wash. it could, but in the hands of a stronger author, one who isn’t so prone to inconsistencies. like that one with america. and this one:
page 91 –
Parker nodded toward the living room and smiled. “You wanna dance?”
page 134 – abby asks parker to dance
He shook his head. “Uh… i don’t dance.”
but… you just…
here are moments of what should be clarity:
I closed my eyes. “We are dysfunctional, Travis. I think you’re just obsessed with the thought of owning me more than anything else.”
“That’s not true. I love you more than my life, Pigeon,” he said, hurt.
“That’s exactly what I mean. That’s crazy talk.”
“It’s not crazy. It’s the truth.”
but then the inevitable backpedal:
“Do you know what co-dependency is, Abby? Your boyfriend is a prime example, which is creepy considering he went from having no respect for women at all to thinking he needs you to breathe.
“It’s dangerous to need someone that much. You’re trying to save him and he’s hoping you can. You two are a disaster.”
I smiled at the ceiling. “It doesn’t matter what or why it is. When it’s good, Kara… it’s beautiful.”
little moron.
and the “it’s okay for me, but not for other people” attitude.
“Can you believe how ridiculous they are? The girls here are shameless,” America said.
Finch shook his head in awe. “It’s Travis. I think it’s the bad-boy thing. They either want to save him or they think they’re immune to his wicked ways. I’m not sure which.”
“It’s probably both,” I laughed, giggling at the girls waiting for Travis to pay them attention. “Can you imagine hoping you’re the one he’ll pick? Knowing you’ll be used for sex?”
“Daddy issues,” America said, taking a sip of her drink.
but, wait. aren’t you….but then, if anyone has daddy issues, it is abby. bizarre, seemingly transplanted from a book with a different plot altogether, daddy issues.
now, abby’s poor view of all the women travis slept with but then sleeping with him anyway because he has changed and he really loves her etc etc has been called out by a lot of reviewers, and that whole slut-shaming accusation has been made. and i can understand that interpretation of it, but it’s not necessarily the same thing as being disgusted with women who are undignified in their pursuit of men. i’d be a hypocrite if i judged women who had experienced a rich full sexual life, but there’s a difference between the confident woman who chooses her lovers selectively, and the women who stand in line outside a hair-metal tour bus to be systematically and clinically fucked by the bassist. there is an uneven power-dynamic between women who want to fuck fame (even such small-scale fame as travis represents) just for the sake of fame and a story to tell, and that dynamic is different from those girls who are just party girls who like what they like. to me, the: two voluptuous bottle-blondes wearing Sigma Kappa tees where One of them sat on Travis’ lap, the other sat beside him, pawing at his shirt. are kind of ick, and i don’t think it is anti-feminist to think they are ick. because they aren’t being portrayed as female characters, they are being used by the author as evidence of travis’ sexual allure. but again, i have that need for dignity, so – yeah – i judge. but i also judge the judge abby. i judge everyone in this book – they are all horrible people.
like in this scene between abby and travis’ father.
“…You have to be patient with him. Travis doesn’t remember much about it, but he was close to his mom, and after we lost her he was never the same. I thought he’d grow out of it, you know, with him being so young. It was hard on all of us, but Trav…he quit trying to love people after that….Travis’ll have a hard time. He’s going to make a lot of mistakes. He grew up around a bunch of motherless boys and a lonely, grouchy old man for a father…I know it’s hard not to blame him, but you have to love him, anyway, Abby. You’re the only woman he’s loved besides his mother. I don’t know what it’ll do to him if you leave him, too.”
fuck that – guilt trip much?
i mean, yeah, it’s sad to lose a parent, but really, there’s no better way to honor your dead mom than fucking a lot of girls. and to be fair, he is the only one in the whole world who has ever lost a parent (except for his brothers, of course). so we must accept his outrageous behavior and never ever leave him. IT PUTS THE LOTION IN THE BASKET!
but, shit, i promised a diptych, and i am someone who follows through, and i am running out of room.
so – an apology for all behavior in beautiful disaster:
travis can’t help bedding every woman. they just keep throwing themselves at him, and if he doesn’t hook into them with his penis, they might fall and get hurt.
“They’re so obvious. Look at the redhead. She’s run her fingers through her hair as many times as she’s blinked. I wonder if Travis gets tired of that.”
Shepley nodded. “He does. Everyone thinks he’s this asshole, but if they only knew how much patience he has dealing with every girl that thinks she can tame him…He can’t go anywhere without them bugging him. Trust me; he’s much more polite than I would be.”
so, you see? it’s like noblesse oblige – he has responsibilities. horrible, terrible responsibilities. he hates it, even though he scoffs when america tells him he isn’t abby’s type and boasts, “I’m everyone’s type!”
and it’s not like he is without depth – how many emotionally damaged and closed off MMA type fighters with all sorts of topographical muscle-action do you know who have never lost, despite never training or even working out who also have a formidable GPA all those tattoos chicks dig AND a motorcycle? he is a complete overachiever in the checklist of romance novel stereotypes. that shit doesn’t just happen
shit – i am trying to make a genuine apology for the book here, but all this snark keeps crashing in.
i will try harder.
so – abby. she has been manipulated by her dad from a very young age and had a lot of responsibility on her shoulders and she wants to escape her past and make a fresh start. so, obviously, she is going to judge and be secretly jealous of other women who have the freedom to do what they want without the burden she is carrying. and of course she is going to be conflicted between parker, a boy who represents the stability and calm she wants and travis, a boy who is more suited to her background, which she wants to escape, but is familiar and comfortable, even though to people who have not had a gambling-and-mob background, travis is kinda sketchy.
as for her putting up with the sleeping arrangements – a bet is a bet. she has made her bed and now she literally has to lie in it. because she has steely resolve and is stubborn, even though for the first half of the book she is not really showing that side of herself. (seriously – would someone like her really have changed clothes on travis’ demand?) but whatever.
i’m pretty sure i am out of space so i don’t have to address the trite and shortsighted HEA ending.
lucy’s is the best review i have ever seen for this book, so you should just go read that one. i meant to do a good job here, but instead i have just made a hash of it.
shit – i forgot – this is my first new adult read, and i read it for the bodice rippers group, but i understand the convention in these reviews is that you have to “cast” them, with black-and-white pictures of beautiful people who make you swoon just like the ones in the book. so let me try:
pigeon and her tattooed lover?
nah
travis:
abby:
i give up.
