A Coupla Shades of Taupe by Court Burback
My rating: 5/5 cats
so this book is pretty awesome, i gotta say. it stays pretty parodically true to the original, but i don’t think it is necessary to have read fifty shades to get what you need to out of it; if you don’t know the plot of fifty shades, you are living under a rock, and probably have bigger concerns than reading. like slugs.
there are so many great lines in this book, she has a way with the simile like no other author. early on, i started cutting-and-pasting my favorite lines, but i had to give up pretty quickly, because there were so many, and this is something you should just read, in its entirety. but i will give you a couple of highlights.
I stand shyly near the bed.
“Is it going to hurt?”
“I can’t say. But I’d sure as hell rather be the battering ram than the castle gate.”
I feel a shot of nervous adrenaline rush through my veins.
“Do you—do you think I’ll cry?”
“Probably. But to be honest, with the stuff I like to do you’d probably be doing that anyway.”
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“My god,” I say breathlessly. “That was such an intensely emotional experience for me. I feel so close to you right now…like we’re connected on an almost spiritual level, you know? Like what we have is bigger than sex. A level of intimacy that just can’t be put into words. Do you feel that way too?”
Pagan stares at me a long time.
Finally he bops my nose with his finger.
“Boop,” he says.
************************************************************
“The number of notches in your bedpost is a little intimidating. I’m not going to run into all your sexy ex-girlfriends at Target or Burger King, am I?”
He laughs.
“They’d have to dig themselves out of six feet of cement first.”
“Oh, you,” I giggle.
this book has everything: animal abuse, racism, spray-cheese inserted into body cavities, clown abuse, goiters, lustful fantasies involving already-chewed slim jims. it is like a catalog of disgust and irreverence.
it occasionally pokes at e.l. james adorably:
The room is cold, clean, and clinical, and, like his garments, bathed in colors that a lazy romance novelist might describe to insinuate his personality.
************************************************************
“I’m sorry if I came off as a bit…controlling,” he says with a mischievous grin. “But I’m a man that enjoys exerting control, you see. And I believe that there are those that would actually enjoy relinquishing their will to feed my—” He sighs. “I don’t know how many other ways there are to insinuate that I like control, Miss Aluminum. But it’s important that someone, say, a bored, sexually frustrated housewife, understand that we’re blatantly and unimaginatively setting up a future sexual dynamic here.”
************************************************************
The whiny little voice in my head keeps debating the pros and cons of letting my feelings for Pagan continue to blossom, but I won’t bore you with that. I mean, if I were writing a book chronicling my relationship with Pagan, and I stopped every other paragraph to wonder if Pagan really really likes me, or to sort through my prepubescent emotional state, then I’d wind up with, like, a five hundred–page book!
i loved reading this. i kind of want to read the other two e.l. james books in the hopes that burback will parody those, too.
i love our heroine’s glittery pink diploma from her school, where she gets to take classes in “colors and shapes” and writes a fascinating paper on “go, spot, go.” i love how ravenous she is as pagan starves her, because it leads to lines like:
When he releases his love froth inside my mouth, I’m actually pretty grateful because it’s the only protein I’ve had all day.
and frankly, she had me at this line:
His voice is smooth and rich like Nutella, and just like Nutella I want to smear it all over my body
because i can relate to that like crazy.
this book cracked me up and gave me way more pleasure than the original. and how great is that cover? do it – doooooo it. see, i can be controlling, too.
