Gods of the Jungle Planet by Vernon D. Burns
My rating: 5/5 cats
wow. terrible, but with some accidentally good writing in it.
review to come.
heh. come.
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okay, real review starts…NOW!!
harry turtledove wishes he could write schlock the way vernon d. burns writes schlock.
this book has it all—dinosaurs, scorpions, genocide, dragons, 6-year-old homosexual biologists, boobies, boobies, boobies, meatloaf-as-anal-lubricant, naked mole rats, cranky environmentalist speeches about oil-dependency causing the end of civilization, black holes—oh, i already mentioned the meatloaf…
this book makes me wish i was a smarter person. finnegans wake is a cakewalk compared to the complexities this book offers. because i still can’t figure out how sarah, who had her head bitten off from behind by a dinosaur, is able to “look on in horror” (which is a paraphrase but somehow i put it in quotes as though it were a quote) within the next few paragraphs and to later go on to have all manner of bouncy sexual intercourse and daft conversations and receive so much sexual and verbal abuse for the rest of the book. i just can’t figure that puzzle out, because i am a stupid woman, fit only for breeding into and trading for other captives. my place is one thing i was not too dumb to learn from this amazing, life-changing book.
i also want to write a paper called “warble like a songbird: animal similes in the work of vernon d. burns.” because it seems that, apart from food and sex, vernon d. burns’ background must be in some kinda zoology. he knows a lot about how animals behave, particularly what the disposition of a wolverine is like. and i’m sure there is some amazing subtext at work here, after i make a cool pie chart about it…
so much to fall in love with here. intelligent bodies, judging by the “firm, taught stomachs of the women…”
hemepenes.
ooh, and the chilling foreshadowing of “you’ll be like a petri dish…” superb.
this could be the new dianetics, people. get on board!
i hope this is in the running for best book of 2012 at the end of the year. i will certainly be voting for it.
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