How Not to Be a Dick: An Everyday Etiquette Guide by Meghan Doherty
My rating: 3/5 cats
great title, okay book.
it is probably better than okay; i am just being a dick.
the advice is good, but i am baffled about who the target audience is meant to be. it is published as “children’s nonfiction” on “houghton mifflin harcourt children’s book group,” but so many of the situations are not applicable to children: how not to be a dick to your boss, how not to be a dick when you are the boss, the perils of sexting, online dating tips, how not to be a dick when drunk and tempted to yell “dogs are little people!” (although it does coyly refer to this situation as when you have had too many “sugary beverages,” and are on a “sugar high,” or have had “too much punch” and should not be driving, and how to not harass the “soda jerk” to whom you may find yourself attracted at the “drugstore” etc etc.)
but then later it does refer explicitly to 40’s.
there is also a section about how to handle “sleepover” parties and the “extended sleepover.” it is oblique, but we know what this means:
When hosting a sleepover, be considerate of your roommates and any other people who share your space. Staying up late and making loud noises will disrupt their lives (and sleeping patterns). So try to keep any noise or disruptions to a minimum.
keep your o’s down, people!!
so i don’t think this is really for kids, although they do grow up so fast…
but it isn’t funny enough to be a satirical little book for adults.
so i am somewhere in the middle.
the advice is good, i’m not gonna lie.
you will learn to not yell “oi!” or “you are the worst!!” at your server in a restaurant.
not to spit on food to claim it as your own
not to pee in the shower (oops)
not to steal people’s hair
not to say to people to whom you are attracted, your skin is like cream cheese.
not to say when calling out of work: I think I am dying…of a shark bite.
or in a meeting: I see what you are saying about our sales this quarter. More important, when can we get an office dog?
that this is too much when trying to flirt: I love dogs! I respect women! I have an extra pudding pack!
not to crotch-stare: When other people know you want to undress them with your eyes, then it makes it all the more considerate and respectful when you don’t.
and many general guidelines about self-confidence, slowing yourself down in tense situations before you say something regrettable, tolerance of the differences of others, and how to maintain personal space.
and it’s generally cute. it has a hearty tone that frequently sounds like an ESL textbook:
–I would like a ham sandwich. Thank you for your help!
–I have made a mistake.
–I respect myself, and I don’t need to send pictures of my ding dong to strangers for attention.
–Hi there, colleague. I would really like to kiss you while we make copies, but I will take you to dinner instead.
–I fell off my trike once! Saw some cheese and just lost my concentration. Let me tell you about my cheese company!
–I can’t let this disagreement ruin the awesomeness club that is us!
–I am mad about so many things that I’m not articulating right now!
–Thank you so much for passing the meatloaf. So graceful and apt. I’m going to ask you to pass plates of food more often, you’re so good.
also a strange fascination both with tricycles and cheese logs, and one really puzzling picture i don’t understand of what looks like macaroni art of a penis?? that one i will need explained to me please.
there are tips for when you are attending a party: If the place is decorated, comment on how lovely it looks. If that’s not possible, mention how much you like the music. If that is also difficult, ask where the bathroom is.
this is noteworthy because it reminds me of that excellent passage from Going Down which i do not have handy right now to quote, but it is great, and if you have read it, you know which one i mean.
and as someone who worked retail for countless years, this was appreciated:
If you need help finding something or getting something down from a high shelf, look for someone to help you. Don’t stand in the aisle shouting for help.
yes. this.
and there was a little nod to the artist formerly known as bird brian:
You may think you’re talking in secret behind someone’s back, but in this day and age, someone’s probably recording or retweeting you. Everyone will eventually know who said what, so nip that nastiness in the bud.
and the entire chapter about internet etiquette is one that i found particularly helpful and i am typing out great chunks of it now, so it will be easier for me to cut and paste next troll i get:
–if you read something that makes you angry, take a breath and make sure you aren’t about to act like a dick.
–The internet creates a mask of privacy and anonymity. This can sometimes lead us to say and act online in ways we wouldn’t if we were speaking with someone face to face. On the internet, we may feel freer to use profanity and hateful language. We may be quicker to express our anger and disapproval. We may even take pleasure in deliberately leaving hurtful comments on sites and with people or groups we don’t like. This is called “trolling.”
–Sometimes, the subject of an argument isn’t worth fighting over, and the best strategy is to agree to disagree. Each person’s point of view can be valid. If you try to convince other people that they’re wrong, you run the risk of saying something mean and making the argument personal – “your face looks like a butt.”
–And remember that the world is a diverse place with many points of view. Just because people share their points of view doesn’t mean that they don’t understand your point of view or think it’s invalid. Approach others and the internet with an open mind; you might learn something! Even if you don’t, consider whether your comment addresses the topic at hand or is just venting confusion and frustration that not everyone’s like you.
also greatly appreciated was the entire chapter about public transportation. seriously, people, stop being dicks. there was a close call at the end, where i frowned a little:
Public transportation is not a talent competition. If you must sing, hold out your hat so people will think you’re busking. They still won’t like it, but they might give you money so you’ll move along. Or better yet, save it for recording at home!
a last-minute save, there…no one “must” sing anywhere. understand this.
and it turns out, surprise, surprise, i am a dick.
APPARENTLY, it is a dick move to “throw hair on (the) wall” (p. 56). but i maintain that if you leave it there in the shape of a heart, it becomes a delightful surprise:
my dad was pleased.
as a fun game, you can play find the bob’s burgers quote in the book! i already won, though, sorry. i’m a dick.
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