Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops by Jen Campbell
My rating: 5/5 cats
another fantastic gift from laima.
years ago, i read Overheard at the Bookstore, and since i was new in the bookstore career, i laughed appreciatively. now that i have been employed here for what seems to be more than half of my life, my laughter towards this latest book is fueled by a sort of desperate recognition and tinged with melancholy.
oh, my bookstore sisters and brothers, come to my sweet embrace. i was going to start a section in my writing for my tales from the stacks, but instead, i am going to use this thread. post your stories here, and let the larger world see what we go through. i remember i counted one time – one day i helped 174 people, and 39 said “thank you.” we get asked for so many things, and we learn so much about humanity and courtesy and our place in the food chain, don’t we??
i believe in the nobility of the trade. i believe in readers’ advisory and helping people get the books they want. i don’t judge people for their reading choices, and i will always try to get anyone anything they want. that is my nature.
but i am also a fucking human being. treat me accordingly.
i am going to use this review space as a handy manual for “not pissing karen off at her job.” and at the end i will share my favorite examples from this book to keep it relevant, but i think this all needs to be said.
“the customer is always right” was never intended to mean “you can have anything you imagine should exist.” it is an antiquated expression meant to convey a willingness from a business to provide a service to the customer, and to always strive to defer to their wishes. but some things are just not possible. i cannot get you a book of photographs of angels. i cannot get you a book of houses currently on the market in new york. i cannot get you a copy of dante’s inferno in “the original old english.”
-oh, yes, i guess barnes and noble wouldn’t have something as esoteric as that…
she sneered.
…i wonder if she ever found out it was originally written in italian.
the above things do not exist, for various reasons. you cannot have them.
incidentally – learn your terminology. shakespeare did not write in “old english.” he wrote in “early modern english.” beowulf is old english. it’s old.
“victorian literature” is not “everything written before the twentieth century.” just during queen victoria’s reign. you got your dickens, you got your brontës, you got your thomas hardy. not jane austen. not virginia woolf.
but i won’t make fun of you for not knowing this. i won’t make fun of you for mispronouncing “sciascia” or “pessoa.” i won’t even make fun of you for asking for 1984 by orson welles or “withering heights.” i’m not an asshole if you don’t treat me like an asshole.
but if you insist, if you ask me “are you sure??,” then there is going to be a problem. am i sure that toni morrison didn’t write their eyes were watching god?? yes. i am quite sure. see what it says on the book?? “but she wrote one called that, too, right??” no. no she did not.
i understand you are just trying to make yourself feel better about having made a mistake. but don’t ask me if i am sure. if i said it, i am sure.
i work on the fourth floor. i know because i work here. when i tell you that cookbooks are on the third floor, and you say “but this is the third floor,” and i say “this is the fourth floor,” and you say “are you sure??”
how likely is it that i don’t know where i am? that i haven’t know where i have been since 2001? trust me, i know where i am.
also, “there is no such thing as a stupid question”
no, there is. there definitely is. and i know we as people say things without thinking a lot. we all have knee-jerk verbal responses to things. and maybe i have just been at this game too long, but when someone says to you, “no we don’t have that in stock”, why why why would you say “at all??” as though we might have a partial copy of something lying around, but you need to realllly want it. i always smile and say, “nope, not even a little bit. but i can order it for you!” cheeky sweetie pie grinning my “no, i don’t think you are an idiot” smile. which greg says is not as innocuous a smile as i believe it to be.
don’t get all bent out of shape that there isn’t a register on the fourth floor. all the registers are on the ground floor, by the exits. how is this an inconvenience? were you planning on moving in? were you never going to leave? just pay when you leave – i don’t need to see your eyerolls and your snorting. remember when i left this desk and walked you over to the shelf and handed you the book you wanted? do you think if there was a register full of money back here, i would have done that?? where do you think you are? this is like the 13 year old girl the other day i overheard complaining -“i just left it on the shelf for 20 minutes! who would steal a cellphone??”
welcome to new york.
and all you out of towners who complain, “this barnes and noble is huge, but my barnes and noble has comfy chairs. why don’t you have comfy chairs?”
remember where you are. does your squeaky hometown have as large a homeless population as new york city? do you want to be sitting on a plush chair in which a homeless individual has been marinating all day? do you like bedbugs? i’m glad your priorities are “comfy chairs” over “biggest bookstore i have ever seen.” enjoy the books – there is a sleepy’s down the street if you wanna be comfy.
if you sit on the floor in front of the shelves directly in front of a sign that says “no sitting in front of the books” you lose all leverage for arguing. that is what we sell. you are allowed to stay here all freaking day reading magazines without buying anything if you want, but you are able to do that because we will occasionally sell a book to someone. if people can’t get to the books because your fat ass is blocking them, then we have a problem.
just because you have been sitting there for hours reading a book does not make it yours. do not fold over the pages. do not splay it on your lap while you text someone. we intend to sell that to someone, yeah? try not to damage it.
keep your shoes on, you animal.
we do not have outlets.
we do not have a photocopy machine.
we do not lend books.
books take about a year to come out in paperback after the hardcover release. yes – this is not the case in other countries,where they often do not publish a hardcover and go straight to paperback, so if your friend was in england and got a paperback copy of a book, this is irrelevant. we do not make the books here. we do not set the prices. everything is always cheaper online.
if you “saw it on ebay”, it doesn’t mean it is still in print. ditto for amazon. ditto for if you saw it on our website. do you know what a website is? it is a warehouse, unrestricted by the limitations of shelf-space that affect a terrestrial store. we are not an archive. we keep books in stock that sell, not “every book that has ever been published.”
it is totally rude to have asked me for book suggestions, and after i have spent fifteen minutes gathering books to meet your specifications, and have had a prolonged conversation with you about the books and your tastes to then download them onto your kindle right in front of me. not even a damn nook. at least leave the floor first, dude.
that about covers my gripes for now. i might add to this later. again – i am not an asshole, but do not just roll up like you are a princess and this is your domain. it is a business. there are rules. and i love rules.
oh – do not call me “hitler” if i tell you you cannot sit on the floor. equating this situation with genocide is culturally insensitive and quite arrogant.
here are some of my golden moments, just off the top of my head. i have probably mentioned a lot of these elsewhere, but you’ll live.
“it was a white book, maybe a year and a half ago. i think it was a thriller. the author had great hair…”
i actually spent 25 minutes with this person, because their manner was polite and helpless and they weren’t all “you are stupid for not knowing this!!” attitude is everything, i promise you that.
………………………………………….
“i want a good historical novel”
i hand her half a yellow sun
“i loved this – it is about biafra, and her writing is incredible”
lady looks at the author photo
“oh, she’s black…” puts it back on the shelf
“yes, she is from africa…”
fuck you, asshole lady.
………………………………………….
“i need a book for my mom.”
“what kinds of books does she read?”
“well, she likes all the classics – twilight, harry potter…”
…………………………………….
“i just want something fun like the girl with the dragon tattoo.”
which i know i shouldn’t judge, but can we really call a book about anal rape and the explicit torture of young girls “fun??”
ugh – i cannot even think of any more right now, and i am totally procrastinating doing something more important than griping. but here, here are some of my favorites from the book. for levity!
……………………………………….
customer – excuse me, i don’t know the title, the author or what the book’s about, but i know there were two words in the title…
bookseller – ok, where did you see it?
customer – can’t remember – please don’t rush me. the two words were “something” and “something.”
bookseller – “something” and “something?” that doesn’t ring a bell i’m afraid, do you remember what the book looked like?
customer – can’t you just search for it?
bookseller – but… i don’t have anything to search for.
customer (takes a pen and paper) look, just type this “…” and “…” into the computer. i can’t believe you are so stupid.
……………………………………….
customer (holding up a copy of a harry potter book) this doesn’t have anything weird in it… does it??
bookseller – you mean like werewolves?
customer – no (whispers) gays
bookseller – …right.
…………………………………………..
customer – do you have a book which lists the weather forecast for the next year?
……………………………………….
customer – do you have dr who and the secrets of the hidden planet of time?
bookseller – i’m not familiar with that one. hang on and i’ll check our system for you.
customer – thank you
bookseller – i’m afraid i can’t find it on our database, or on the british library catalogue. are you sure you’ve got the right title?
customer – no, not at all. i don’t know that it actually exists.
bookseller – … what do you mean?
customer – oh, i was just driving to work yesterday and i thought up the title and i thought “now that sounds like the kind of book i’d like to read”, you know?
bookseller – hmmm. well, i’m afraid you can’t read it, as it hasn’t been written.
customer – never mind, never mind – just thought i’d check.
bookseller – we do have lots of dr who novels over here, though, if you’d like to take a look
customer – no, it’s ok. i’ll go home and have another think and come back again.
there are scores more of hilarious examples, but i have procrastinated for long enough today.
but do feel free to drop your stories here, and i will continue to add to the thread as circumstances/memory occur…
