The Book of Deadly Animals by Gordon Grice
My rating: 4/5 cats
1,000 reviews from me to you!
THIS BOOK IS ABOUT HYENAS THEY WILL FUCKING END YOU
you know what will not fucking end you??
a red panda:
they will only wave at you in innocent fascination.
but basically, you are screwed. i mean, let’s just take the U.S.
this is where the prairie rattlesnake lives:
this is where the diamond rattlesnake lives:
this is where you can find alligators:
here is a whole page about fatal bear attacks in north america:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_…
mountain lions:
sharks:
i haven’t even gotten started with the deer and the steer and the lizards and the insects. and i won’t. that’s what this book is for.
you know what does not live in the u.s. and would never ever harm you?
yeah. you got it.
basically, this book is one long warning – there is nowhere you are safe. especially india. there is no need to live in india. australia is a close second, but seriously. if you live in india, you are probably already dead, and if not, something is sneaking up on you right now; something is going to get you, and it is going to suck. also – live nowhere with the word “komodo” in its name, but that should really be common sense. i mean, you wouldn’t live on “volcano street,” would you?
Biologists have found fifty-four dangerous species of bacteria in the dragon’s mouth, including varieties of staph and strep. The eating of carrion and feces, along with the bleeding of its own gums, helps to maintain this infectious stew…as the dragon bites, it yanks its head backward, tearing the victim’s flesh. Venom oozing from the lower jaw enters the wound with the teeth…the dragon’s copious bloody saliva lubricates the meal for easier swallowing. Larger prey must first be torn apart. After digesting its meal, the dragon vomits a neat bundle of indigestible parts: teeth, hooves, hair, horns.
i mean, we can all agree that that is the worst thing in the world, right?
komodo dragons are jive.
but hyenas are the almost as bad. who knew, right? i thought they were mainly scavengers, and they seem to have such small little heads.
i mean, relatively. but jesus christ:
grice is quoting from another source, and i don’t feel like being all proper in my citations but anyway so there is this guy who was bitten by a hyena, whose
face ended below his cheekbones: his nose, palate, upper teeth, tongue, and almost his entire lower jaw were gone. Only his eyes and the upper part of his head remained intact and yet he was alive and moderately healthy and had taught himself to swallow food. He had received one bite, just one snap
holy shit, right? one bite and he lost half his face to some hyena. there is also a story in here about a woman who passed out during childbirth and came to to find a hyena eating her baby. seriously – hyenas are complete jive.
do you know who would never eat your baby??
too sleepy to eat ur babies.
oh god, and the primates….
monkey attack:
View Spoiler »
monkey attack:
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monkey attack:
View Spoiler »
man. may i never be anywhere near a monkey. i like my face the way it is, more or less.
this book is good, but just a little superficial.i would love some long stories about these animals and their behavior. it is frequently more like a gossip rag from hell: “and then this animal did this to this person, and that one did that to another person….”
but horrifying, horrifying stuff. if you have any eye-sensitivity, do not read this book. the number of things that want to go for your eyes, or lay eggs in your eyes so they pop with new life… eeerrrggghhhh.
AND WHY NO CHAPTER ABOUT GOATS?? i accuse grice of being in the goats’ pockets. because goats are just nasty mean animals with hooves and horns and a chip on their coarsely-haired shoulders.
i’m not sure what else i have to say about this book. i loved it and i am horrified by it and greg wrote a review of it here
there were so many more quotes i wanted to share. maybe i will float this later with “additional information.”
and oh yeah:
i am not accepting any criticism today.
