A MONTH WITH HEATHCLIFF

to commemorate the bicentenary of emily brontë, let’s take a moment to address the great puzzle at the heart of wuthering heights:

WHAT THE HECK WAS HEATHCLIFF UP TO FOR THOSE THREE YEARS? AND HOW DID HE GET SO RICH?

college courses have been structured around the question, scholarly tomes have been devoted to exploring the matter, novelists have offered their fanciful suggestions.

they’re all wrong.

to find out what really happened to heathcliff during his three years away from the dubya aitch, watch this space, where, for the entire month of july, i will be posting a scene from those missing years, putting to rest the great mystery of where he went, what he did, and why he came back so inclined to hang puppies.

July 1, 2018

obviously, the first thing heathcliff did upon fleeing into that night was brood. donned his gothiest togs and had himself ...
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July 2, 2018

he wallows in his own self-pity long enough to grow some scruff and decides to skip town and make a ...
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July 3, 2018

he wanders the world for a while, experiencing new things like “sunlight,” fine-tuning his “be less degrading to catherine” scheme ...
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July 4, 2018

knowing how the ladies swoon for a man in uniform, heathcliff glowers his way aboard a passing naval ship, although ...
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July 5, 2018

heathcliff disembarks in america and becomes a u.s. citizen. would this have been a more appropriate post for yesterday, july ...
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July 6, 2018

homeless and alone, heathcliff is forced to return to the scavenging ways of his "gypsy" boyhood. this time, not one ...
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July 7, 2018

empires aren't built overnight, and heathcliff's not too proud to buttle ...
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July 8, 2018

nor is he too proud to steal. man, this cat eats so much fish, you'd think he was... a cat ...
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July 9, 2018

in his spare time, heathcliff starts a band. their songs are wicked emo (duh), and heathcliff makes all the groupies ...
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July 10, 2018

he also catches the eye of a very special fan who shows him that, with a little magic, empires can ...
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July 11, 2018

and even an urchin can be king, or at least a powerful magnate. a - dare i say - fat ...
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July 12, 2018

heathcliff leans in to the nouveau riche lifestyle. he gets high marks in dandyism, but dude does not know how ...
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July 13, 2018

he splurges on a spaceship and a custom-made cather-android, but their relationship is as tempestuous as original recipe catherine, and ...
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July 14, 2018

not quite ready to return to the moors for OG catherine, heathcliff cleans himself up and goes looking for a ...
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July 15, 2018

once again playing to type, heathcliff manages to find love and happiness in the arms of this high-strung bitch ...
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July 16, 2018

love chills him out a bit. a little less stiff, a little less formal, and he is totally peeing in ...
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July 17, 2018

oh, i don't know how this photo got in here - just a private moment i don't think he'd want ...
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July 18, 2018

no matter what you may think of heathcliff's behavior between the covers of WH, there was a time when the ...
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July 19, 2018

sadly, heathcliff's new wife was as flighty as catherine (human or android version), and when her heat came upon her, ...
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July 20, 2018

because not only does he have a type, but he has an MO, and when his heart is broken, he ...
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July 21, 2018

his wife's family and friends, ...
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July 22, 2018

and any other randy dog he can snatch off the streets to feed his appetite for vengeance ...
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July 23, 2018

even going so far as to organize an underground dogfighting circuit, making even more money from his grief and outrage ...
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July 24, 2018

but the human interest appeal of an urchin cum business magnate cum dog spouse cum spree killer is too great ...
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July 25, 2018

while in hiding - bored and sad, eating his feelings and no longer burning off any calories through rigorous dog-punching, ...
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July 26, 2018

but you can't keep a good man down! or, for that matter, a morally bankrupt one! ...
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July 27, 2018

and he's soon back to his old self ...
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July 28, 2018

like all wealthy criminals he’s able to slide back into the spotlight without anyone protesting, "hey, isn't that the dude ...
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July 29, 2018

despite courting such reactions by teaming up with michael bay in a thinly-veiled biopic about a furious dog-hunter. many animals ...
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July 30, 2018

and he even won an award for it ...
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July 31, 2018

but sometimes heathcliff wanted to relive the good old days, going so far as to steal a fish from the ...
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