i am not a healthy person. i enjoy sugar, salt, cheese, bread, bread covered in cheese and dipped into additional cheese. i do not enjoy exercise. i’ve never attempted a structured diet because it sounds awful, but my weight fluctuates in a fairly predictable way – i eat less in the summer because the heat sucks the pleasure out of everything, and i chub out around the holidays and easter/girl scout cookie season because yum. i usually eat one decent-sized meal a day, late at night, and apart from snacks consumed during daily teevee parties/weekly movie outings with connor and the weekly adventure in food and fun with greg, that’s my diet. but i’ve never counted calories or weighed food or read a freaking label – i just eat stuff when i wanna and if i start getting too chubby i rein it in a little. like many people, i’m not in love with what’s been happening to my body as i get older and blubber accrues, but i’m also not vexed enough to do much about it. i’m not lazy exactly, but exercise is boring and tedious and i hate sweat so much.
but then greg started this slow carb diet thing and he lost nine pounds the first day. which sounded crazy and unhealthy, but also very appealing. meanwhile, i was on medical leave from a surgery and just sitting around eating ice cream and being less active because doctor, so i figured why not be a person who diets?
pudge and surgical scars.
so here we are. i am going to try this slow carb diet for two weeks, and connor’s doing it with me because if i can’t have teevee party snacks, NO ONE can have teevee snacks. also, he wanted to. but i like feeling like a person of power and influence so let me pretend my bidding is being done.
it’s a pretty easy diet – you have to consume 30 g protein within the first half hour of being awake and then eat frequently throughout the day from a list of approved foods. it’s gonna suck – no sugar, no dairy, no fruit, no bread, no smartfood, but i like meats and vegetables, so i should be okay. although i’ve been told that the diet’s emphasis on eggs and beans does not mean cadbury mini eggs and jelly beans. which is a shame.
the night before the diet, i got me some kfc with all the fixins and then realized i had half a giant container of cherry kefir that would go bad if i didn’t drink it, and fruit salad and yogurt, so it was a pretty disgusting evening of gorging out of necessity, not pleasure. but enough blather, let’s diet!
DAY ONE:
starting weight – 165 pounds (thanks, kfc!)
BREAKFAST – 30 G PROTEIN WITHIN 30 MINUTES OF BEING AWAKE:
1 can tuna (22 g)
1 hardboiled egg (6 g)
handful of beans (dunno, but more than 2 g for sure)
mixed greens
how do people eat food in the morning? i have zero appetite and shoving food into my face hole feels lousy.
SNACK 1:
5 baby carrots
15 dry roasted/unsalted almonds
both carrots and almonds are on the “eat in moderation” part of the approved foods list, but this seems pretty moderate to me.
SNACK 2:
mixed greens
beans
poached chicken
oil & balsamic vinegar
SNACK 3:
1% cottage cheese
1/2 avocado
black pepper
meanwhile, while i am eating what – for me – is a lot of food to eat when the sun’s still up, i am drinking SO MUCH WATER:
lemon and lime are the only fruits permitted, unless you are one of those people who gets all curmudgeonly when i call lancelot link a monkey even though i know chimps are apes and i know tomatoes are fruits but i also know that a restaurant that offered spaghetti with fruit sauce would confound some diners.
SNACK 4:
mixed greens
chicken
bacon
red peppers
SNACK 5:
this is my to-go snack to-go to connor’s.
mixed greens
orange peppers
radishes
chickens
bacon
hardboiled egg
and it all voltrons/mc dlts into this salad, with oil & balsamic:
and that was day one. when i got home from connor’s i found that my thoughtful father had, knowing my lust for all “new” and “limited edition” snack treats, mailed me a box of chocolate peanut butter twinkies. life is so unfair.
neither me nor connor lost so much as an ounce, despite greg’s first-day 9 pound success story. fiddlesticks.
DAY TWO:
starting weight – 165 pounds. again.
BREAKFAST – 30 G PROTEIN WITHIN 30 MINUTES OF BEING AWAKE:
1 can chicken (25 g)
1 egg fried in bacon grease (6 g)
1 avocado
unmeasured amount of black beans and bacon – once i hit my 30 g mark, the extra protein was for flavor, not math.
much green tea (it’s still steeping so it’s not super green yet)
SNACK 1
and YES, i just reused the photo from day 1 because i devoured my snack before i remembered to take a picture, so this is spooky ghost food:
5 baby carrots
15 dry roasted/unsalted almonds
this was the day i learned greg had misled me when he said i couldn’t have coffee on this diet. or, to be precise, that i could have coffee, but only black coffee, which is the same as telling me i can’t have coffee. i don’t take sugar, but i need a little cream in my caffeine. especially since i am basically eating like a lumberjack on this diet and it is making me drowsy. i am permitted 2 tbsp organic, grass-fed whipping cream in my coffee. which is plenty in my XL DD coffee.
SNACK 2:
roughly a dozen unflavored seltzers
three knobs of poached chicken
two carrots
they call me karen “moderation” brissette
SNACK 3:
a quantity of black beans
a quantity of bacon
SNACK 4:
mixed greens
roast beef
hardboiled egg
yellow and red peppers
oil & balsamic
with some extra sea-salted meats on the side
i’m just going to report on my weight loss – connor can start his own blog. me, i lost 3 pounds on day 2, bringing me to 162 pounds.
DAY 3:
starting weight – 162 pounds
BREAKFAST – 30 G PROTEIN WITHIN 30 MINUTES OF BEING AWAKE:
1 can chicken (25 g)
1 egg (6 g)
this is the saddest-looking breakfast. eating it feels like punishment.
so much water, all day long – i had to fill the brita twice and i also drank a bunch of seltzers. my pee is invisible.
SNACK 1:
mixed greens
chicken
bacon
beans
red and yellow peppers
radishes
carrots (IN MODERATION)
oil & balsamic
SNACK 2:
connor cooked these chickens for us during weekly handmaid’s tale party, and i had two of them.
SNACK 3:
lentils. for a SNACK. WHAT WORLD IS THIS?
SNACK 4:
brussels sprouts roasted in olive oil and sea salt
bacon
splash of balsamic
for some reason, i am fine with calling this a snack. they are vibrant, lentils are drab.
day three – 158 pounds (4 pounds down, 7 pounds total)
DAY FOUR:
starting weight – 158 pounds
BREAKFAST – 30 G PROTEIN WITHIN 30 MINUTES OF BEING AWAKE:
1 hardboiled egg (6 g)
1 can tuna (22 g)
2 pieces bacon (6 g)
more water, always more water, but this time it’s sasquatch and lime…
SNACK 1:
bacon
chicken
SNACK 2:
bacon
chicken
avocado
a banger snatched off of connor’s plate
SNACK 3:
red beans
chicken
SNACK 4:
a piece
of this shepherd’s pie-thing i made
it’s got ground beef, garlic, onion, lentils, cinnamon, cumin, carrots (IN MODERATION), with mashed white beans, cauliflower, and oregano on top
SNACK 5:
ONE piece of bacon
SNACK 6:
three moderate carrots
my weight remained unchanged at 158
DAY FIVE:
starting weight – 158 pounds
BREAKFAST – 30 G PROTEIN WITHIN 30 MINUTES OF BEING AWAKE:
1 can chicken (25 g)
1 egg (6 g)
1 piece bacon (3 g)
water water always water.
SNACK 1:
TWO CARROTS
SNACK 2:
bacon and chicken. i am become predictable.
SNACK 3:
more pie. this was meant to be for connor, but he would not eat more than a single bite even though i thoughtfully integrated the vegetables into the meat so he wouldn’t have to see them. he was very brave, but cumin broke his picky ass.
SNACK 4:
he was gallant enough to reciprocate with one of the salmon croquettes he made – modified to omit the cracker crumbs, so basically just canned salmon and egg. still pretty tasty. my ass is not picky.
SNACK 5:
sad flat thing like an omelet with bacon, red peppers, and a glop of cottage cheese. not my finest hour.
EVENING COFFEE BREAK:
SNACK 6:
small pile of almonds
hooray, i gained 2 pounds back!! interestingly enough, this was also the day i learned the canned chicken i had eaten for THREE of my breakfasts had “modified corn starch” in it, and connor’s bangers had some kind of wheat filler. serves us right for not reading labels.
so – 160. still 5 pounds down but hardly the dramatic weight loss i’d been promised.
DAY SIX:
starting weight – 160 pounds
BREAKFAST – 30 G PROTEIN WITHIN 30 MINUTES OF BEING AWAKE:
1 can tuna (22 g)
1 egg (6 g)
heap o’ beans
i am so sick of eating breakfast. blarg.
this is way too much food for 6 am.
water water water pee pee pee
my daily 2 tbsp whipping cream surrounded by glorious caffeine
SNACK 1:
mixed greens
red peppers
beans
radishes
carrots IN MODERATION
oil & balsamic
SNACK 2:
turkey burger
peas
i barely ate anything today. and it felt kind of good to not be forcing myself to eat all the livelong day. as a reward, my weight stayed fixed at 160.
DAY 7 – CHEAT DAY!!!
starting weight – 160 pounds
on a cheat day, i can eat whatever i want. and i wanted and wanted and wanted. first of all, i set up a dish of cadbury mini eggs on the top of my alarm clock so i could start my party as soon as i opened my eyes. hell, before i opened my eyes. 30 G SUGAR WITHIN 30 SECONDS OF BEING AWAKE: NO PROBLEM.
i ate mini eggs until it was time for sunday movie adventure, to which i brought more snacks than two people could consume, but this is what made it into us. forgive the dark photos – movie theaters are dark.
three bags smartfood:
little thingie with crackers, three kinds of cheese, two kinds of grapes, one kind of strawberry:
little thingie of red grapes and apples:
(connor had one of just red grapes that photographed even worse than this)
one 18 oz bag mini eggs (32 g. protein)
XL wild cherry icee
nothing eaten in the dark has calories.
and then i met up with greg for the AIFAF and the cheating continued.
greg celebrated his own cheat day with a cuban sandwich
and cream AND sugar in his coffee
and let’s call these vegetables
i got a sloppy burger with CHEESE, onions, bbq sauce, and bacon. because i am not yet sick of bacon.
and we shared some disco fries. which, if you don’t know, are fries with gravy and cheese on top. sort of like a white trash version of poutine.
surveying the bounty
cheese, how i have missed you…
montage à la classic AIFAF:
but oh, did i overdo it.
however, the day was long and i rallied, sampling the much-anticipated chocolate peanut butter twinkie (thumbs-up)
one tiny ice cream cone
also, one coconut noosa with blueberries and some whole milk glugged straight outta the carton and one tate’s chocolate chip cookie. those were camera shy.
closing weight – 162. so, over the course of the week, i managed to lose…three pounds. this is not the miracle diet greg advertised. i feel logy from nomming all the time, i hate first-thing eating, and i probably could have lost the same amount of weight by just being more reasonable with my sugar intake and eating salads that occasionally have fruit on them and other things i enjoy, the real problem is that i haven’t found a satisfying snack within the limitations of this diet, some post-dinner craving-queller. it doesn’t even have to be something sweet, but it cannot be…lentils.
AND THAT WAS WEEK ONE! i promised myself i’d do two weeks of this, so let’s see what happens. connor is a one-week dieter, so he’s already bailed, but greg’s still consistently losing weight, so bully for him.